Every time a break from school or a vacation comes up I always get this excitement that sets in. Not so much the exciting feelings of being away from school or taking a break to rest. Instead I get excited for a period of time where I can experience life and reflect on where I've been.
I suppose that's what I intend to do. I don't know how. I don't know. But I suppose that everyday should hold with it, chances to make yourself a better person. Or maybe one shouldn't necessarily make them-self better, but instead let the Lord do it.
It's hard sometimes, swimming through waters that are shark infested. It can be scary. There is so much uncertainty. I feel like there is so much stress, and even when I try to get away from the stress, it follows me. Take this moment for instance. I am sitting here in our hotel room in St. Augustine, Florida. The ocean is right across the street. I can see palm trees and branches waving in the distance. There is a pool right outside. The sun is out and warm as ever. Yet I sit here and can only bask in darkness and stress and overwhelming feelings.
I haven't done my devotions in days. I feel like there is distance between God and I. I feel like darkness pervades my soul. I'm stuck in this place of resistance. I don't know how to get out of this place. I want to be in familiar territory. I know I can be dramatic, but I'm trying to empty my heart of it's cries.
I've made so many mistakes along the way. I've hurt so many people. I so often let my pride get in the way. I make dumb decisions. There's a verse that says" Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things."
Yes, I've screwed up, but I think it's time to let go and let God. I think it's time to get serious. Life is not to be lived flippantly, but soberly, seriously. I need to pick up and start running this race for what it's worth, and it's worth a lot. I suppose I could look upon my mistakes and be disgusted with myself, but even the thought of that makes me nauseous. I rather keep walking. I rather keep searching. I don't need to be ahead, or number one. I don't need to be the best, I just want/need God.
Today my dad asked us what the most satisfying thing in life was, and the first thing that came to life was God. You know what I mean? Those times where life is crumbling or falling apart or maybe you are just simply having a bad day. It's those moments where you lay it all out before God and then this overwhelming feeling of hope rushes over you. I love those moments.
I want that hope again. I want the hope that I have made and am making good choices. I want that hope that someday peace will fill the earth. I want that hope that relationships will be restored. I want the hope of Jesus.
So even as I sit here worrying about all the homework that has to get done, and as I Iook in the mirror and see my splotchy face and my sun poisoned arms, and my oily hair. As I recall how I've let people go and all of the other bad stuff in the world...I somehow have Hope.
I may get burnt by the sun and by people and by school, yet I know that it will all be okay. k
Until next time...
