I think I'm on this wilderness journey. I feel like the Israelites on their way to the Promised Land.

I'm wandering and I have no idea where I'm going or what I'm doing. It seems like every time I try and take something into my own hands God gently sits me back down and reminds me that He is in fact in control.

Okay, God, let your will be done.

I'm okay with this, except it's a struggle. Grown ups (i.e. parents) expect their college aged children to get jobs during the summer thus making enough money to provide for needs in the up coming school year.

Finding a job didn't go as planned. But I need to be on this refining journey of the heart. Because my heart tends to go every which way. I need to learn to filter. I need to learn to let go. Whatever that looks like.

I'm not sure.

I don't know where this journey is going to lead. I know it will lead somewhere. It just takes time. And commitment. I'm sure I look crazy. Committing to a God. Committing to trusting God who is consistent and faithful and knows all things.

As hard as it may be. There are things this summer God has to teach me. It scares me a little. Uncertainty tends to do that every now and then. I did ask God for an adventure. I think this works.

The last few days have been not so great. That's totally ridiculous considering it is every students dream to have four months off and not do anything.

But I moved home and while it's not all that bad I was hoping for some sort of adventure. Like moving to a different city.

Plus that, grades. Evil little letters that show up about three times a year. It sucks. Really I could care less. I wish I cared though. I care more what my dad thinks. Here comes the tears and another lecture on time and money and friends and technology.

I think it's going to be the longest summer ever. I want to go somewhere. Ya know? Start over. Be away from life as I know it.

Five weeks until Missouri. Just the vacation I need. Five weeks.

Summer has officially started. I'm seriously trying so freakin' hard to have a good attitude about life and the new season of transition I'm in. It's always hard to move home and be under the parents rules again. I think this has to be the last summer of living at home. I've just decided this right now.

Anyways today was good. I woke up early and went to the Starrs and babysat. I just had Isaiah and Aubrey. Those four kids are so darn cute. I can't get over it hardly. So we had fun. Then lunch with them all, minus Eli.

I came home. Went to the mall and then slept for four hours. I woke up and was like okay what am I going to do. I have no desire to clean, so I baked my first dessert of the summer...apple crisp.

So not springy.

Whatevs.

I've decided to buy a chair and a coffee table for my room. That way I can wake up and read my Bible right away. I have lacked in that being grounded in the Word lately. And in prayer.

Grace upon Grace upon Grace...etc...

Nuttso.

So we start tomorrow morning.

Time for sleep.

Only four more days of school. Only four exams left until summer. Crazy!

This morning was really beautiful, actually yesterday was beautiful too. I got up early to start my day. I decided it'd be fun to do a spontaneous Saturday morning shopping trip. You never know what you will find. Sometimes you go and find absolutely nothing! And then sometimes you end up scoring big time! Yesterday was option B. I scored sweet shoes, a wonderful springy dress, and a summery sling purse.

I drove home to get some stuff done and to my delight my wonderful brother decided to take me lunch. It was so sweet! And then last night was worship at BSHOP. It's so good to be with friends and just worship Jesus together. We has some good time prayin' people up! AND well God is good. That's all I have about last night.

This morning I also woke up super early. I've been getting a solid 6-8 hours of sleep lately. It's worked. Eh. School's almost done anyways. I put on my new dress and decided it looked gloriously beautiful outside. I walked around the pond and prayed and told Jesus everything that was on my heart at the moment. Then I read some Scripture. This morning I'm going to Crossroads for church and studying the day away until the last Evensong.

I'm getting excited to move out and transition back home. But, a little part of me is sad too. I love this place and I love the people. The homework and other stuff....not so much. But what is, is.

I've really been asking God to prepare my heart for this summer. Last summer I go to the end of working and really was feeling burnt out. God let Your will be done no matter what. I want to be obedient. I also want to find joy in whatever I do.

Apart from my "20 before 21" list I think I'll make a list of things I want to accomplish and do this summer.

Summer Funsies List:

1. Go on weekly adventures downtown. This includes finding more coffee shoppes and thrift stores.

2. Get rid of lots of my junk that I never even look at or use.

2. Redecorate my room. I want to find some cute vintage furniture and do some DIY projects. I want to find a really fun vintage chair and coffee table for my room. I also want to find other fun accessories to liven it up! AND of course, add REDDD!!!! I love me some red.

3. I want to learn how to bake. And not the boring Betty Crocker crap. Like homemade, made from scratch, organic, yumminess, sugary goodness, stuff. My goal is to try making one new thing a week. And then bless our neighbors or friends or someone that needs a sugar high.

4. Take cake decorating classes or research how to make a cake online and then DO IT! I've said for a few summers that I wanted to do this, but either have been too lazy or too busy. so this is the summer friends. We'll see. Maybe I'll start with an easy cake first. I really want to nail down my own recipe and then go for it! Hmmm...red velvet? (Just for you Chelsie!) or chocolate? Or....strawberry!!!!??!!!!!!!!! YES! That'd be so creative...and strawberries are red! :)

5. I also want to find a vintage bike. Maybe repaint it and fix it up....because I'm so mechanically intelligent. NOT! Whatevs. That's what the internet is for!

6. I want to really pour into the girls at church as much as I'm able too. I'm not completely sure what that looks like. I know when I was their age, I LOVED having adult woman youth sponsors take me out for coffee or breakfast. Yes, I love coffee and food, but it was SO nice to sit and talk to them. Maybe that's what it looks like. Or maybe it doesn't have to look like anything.

7. I long to GROW GROW GROW! And mature.

8. Find joy in working.

9. Read the whole Bible. I want to spend massive amounts of time in the Word. It's my food!

10. I want to learn to love my family and friends and bless them. I want to learn what it means and IS to walk in Christ's humility.

11. My goal is to read 15 books this summer. Not stupid love novels. Like inspirational books. That's five books a month. Totally legit!

12. Go to the beach. Enough said.

13. Buy a DSLR CAMERA!!!!!!!!!!!!! Someone told me you can easily find one on Craigslist for 300-400 dollars! HECK YES! I so want to develop and grow in photography. I love it so much! Sometimes when I'm walking or driving I can see a photograph and wish I had a nice camera to capture the moment.

14. I want to expand my indie/folk/acoustic music. Any good artists?

That's all. This is how a person gets overwhelmed I suppose.