I hope everyone had a fantastic Christmas and experienced the joy of Christ's birth, and of course family, food, and giving too.

My Christmas was grand! We headed to Flint to spend time with my dad's side of the family and then of course who could forget Christmas morning? After we had my mom's side over for Christmas day. It was a lot of fun! Such a joyous time and even somewhat tiring. Actually, a lot tiring. Today calls for a nap.

Tomorrow morning I head out really early for Onething conference down in Kansas City, MA. I'm super pumped!!! A little nervous, but super excited!!!

In high school it may or may not have felt this way, but in college your world goes from knowing a few people to knowing a lot of people. Through this I have had to really check my motives concerning my faith and where I am at. There are a lot of people who have a really strong faith, and it becomes so easy to compare yourself to them. This conference will be intense too.

One of the easiest ways to get tripped up by the enemy is complacency. So of course, I haven't been in the Word or in prayer as I should. And in church today I was so distracted. my mind wandered and wandered basically everywhere! It's frustrating. I want my heart to be in the right place this time around. I've been to conferences and I have been on mission trips. Beforehand I always spend time praying that God would clear my mind of any thoughts other than him and he would work and move in me. It always seems to be the opposite of what actually happens.

I think so often I have this mindset that these conferences and trips are magic in a sense. Like, if I go to this then God will solve all of my problems right then and there. So, if you are reading this and feel impressed to pray for me, could you do that? pray that God would open my heart to the things of him. Pray that the minutes I wake up tomorrow morning and walk out that front door, my mind would be completely focused on Christ. Let His will be done right?

Alright that's enough for now. time to eat some leftover goodies.

Be blessed!

L

Here's to 2010.

One of my traditions about this time of year is writing about the last 365 days of the year. I think it's a good one, because it gives me a chance to remember how beautiful the faithfulness of God is. I don't reflect enough on life, so here's to 2010.

I brought in the New Year with 25,000 other believers in the America Center in St. Louis, Missouri. I spent the last week of 2009 at Urbana. Urbana is a missions conference held every 3 years. It was an incredible week learning about missions and what God is up to around the world. It really was a perfect start to a new year. The next week I was on my way to Chicago for little getaway with some friends. It was a wonderful week, despite issues in life that seem to creep up on you.

Soon after Chicago the semester was back in full swing. It was a great semester. One of the best parts was how well I did in school. But the most beautiful part of it was the growth I saw in myself. And not just in all things school, but in my faith. I remember spending many hours by the pond writing in my journal, praying, reading the Bible. Through those times I experienced the incredible love and joy of Christ.

I also had the chance to do even more traveling. My family and I went to Savannah, GA and Florida for spring break.

During the summer I worked at Stonewater. I also spent time babysitting. One of the highlights of my summer was traveling to Ecuador. I went with my youth group. We stayed up in the mountains, in a city called Riobamba. It was a wonderful trip! I loved it so much! It solidified my calling to go to the nations. I also had the privelege to help lead a domestic mission trip.

For a few years my youth pastor had this vision to live in poverty for a period of time. To experience it. So that's what we did. We partnered with another Nazarene church in the area and camped in a field. I could go into to detail, but for the sake of time I'll leave it at that. All to say, it was a great week.

And then this semester. This semester was by far the longest, hardest, busiest one. I had to learn a lot and honestly, I am still learning a lot. I'm still figuring out things and working through things. But that can be another post.

And here we are, at Christmas time. On Monday I leave for a conference in Kansas City. I can't wait. I can't wait to experience God and to learn and grow.
About a week after that I'll be heading to Ireland for two weeks. I can't wait. Seriously!

Be blessed this Christmas season!

awaken.

I'm five days into Christmas break and just loving it! It's been a good mix of productive, relaxful, and fun! It feels like I haven't done much though.

Today has been quite the day and I have only been up since 10! I woke up in a good mood actually. Which of late, is really quite rare. Lets just say, a shower and make up does a girl good. Took a shower, dressed, breakfast. During this routine my mom called to inform me that she ran into my car which resulted in the front, driver's side brake reflector light thing being crushed to pieces. Then, to add to my frustration I went to write a check to pay of my loan. Come to find out, my checks are all gone. And I forgot the address to where it's supposed to be sent. And the other day my kitty cat got into my opened drawers of my dresser and it tumbled over, breaking my moms antique glass lamp and spilling a glass of milk everywhere! In turn, it smells like spoiled milk.

At first I was super frustrated with the world, and then I started writing in my journal about everything and came to some conclusions. First, these things are super trivial. Like really. They are. In the grand scheme of things they really don't matter. Especially when you look at them from a biblical perspective. They. don't. matter. period.

There are people out there who are struggling. A good friend of mine might have uteran cancer, and she's only 30ish. I know families that are in disarray and are a mess. My precious sponsor child in India lives in a community of people who struggle with AIDS on a daily basis. There are people in Grand Rapids that have nothing. Their goal this Christmas is to stay as warm as possible and if they are blessed with a warm meal then that's a bonus.

With that thought I realized just how much I have. I'm not sick (as far as I know...). I feel alive and healthy. I have a fantastic family that I truly adore. We all get along great! I have a beautiful home that has heat. This Christmas will consist of lots of family, food, fun, laughter, cheer, joy and lots more.

Then I read the Sermon on the Mount. I've been really challenged lately to live the Sermon on the Mount, not just read it on occasion. BUT TO LIVE IT OUT IN MY DAILY LIFE. I'm not one is great at keeping goals and meeting them. Meeting my goals in life is difficult. seriously.

Instead, I want to try as best I can to live this out. I think I might even read it every day too. I suppose that means when my mom asks me to clean, i need to do that. Or, forgive even when it seems like that's the last thing I want to do. You get the picture.

I feel like the last seven years or so I've read and read and talked and talked and strategized and strategized. BUT, when I get to the judgement seat of Christ, Jesus isn't going to ask me how much I talked about loving on people and changing. Instead, he's going to ask how did I love. What did I do to relieve the pain of the oppressed. How much did I give of myself.

On another note, I'm going to IHOP. That really excites me! I yearn to be transformed. And honestly. I can't take my heart and transform it. Neither can you. Hate to break it to you. We all can yield ourselves and open up to God, but we can't change us. Only Christ. Anyways, that's all I'm going to say about that!

Christmas is in four days. YIKES! Thankfully I basically have all my Christmas gifts DONE! Which feels good. I love Christmas morning. Best morning of the year by far! The best part is watching my family open up the gifts I gave to them. There's something about giving that is so rewarding. It brings e so much joy! I love this season.

To end, whoever you are that is reading this post, enjoy the special moments this Christmas season. Don't get super caught up in the decor and food, but enjoy your family and friends. And read the Christmas story. Remember why we are here and why we celebrate Christmas!

I finished this semester. And let me tell you. It's weird. But lovely. I'm in our family room and the Christmas lights are twinkling on the tree and mom and I are watching Gilmore Girls...just like old times. AND I inherited a whole bunch of vintage wool sweaters from grandma, so that's cool!

I'm ready for break.

Lots of reading

Lots of writing

Lots of painting

Lots of worshiping

Lots of looking for an internship

Lots of family time

Lots of food

Lots of photography

Lots of movies

Lots of prayer

And then there's Ireland!!! I can't wait! I was walking up the driveway and it finally dawned on me! I can't believe it!

Adios!

This morning/afternoon I'm at Madcap studying...or supposed to be studying anyway. I've been working on math for pretty much two hours straight and my brain hurts. I've declared it break time now.

This week is the last week before vacation...also known as finals week. It really hasn't been super intense or anything and I'm just really chill about it. I'm not sure if that is good or bad, but whatevs.

I have one more tomorrow morning before the sun comes up. Whose idea was that anyways? To have exams scheduled at 7 freakin 45? Really now.

On the otherhand, I've been wondering why I haven't woken up at 7 every morning this semester. You get so much done before 9 a.m. love it!

This time tomorrow I'll be done with school and cleaning my butt off! So much packing and cleaning and organizing. Oh dear, I'm making myself stressed out and overwhelmed. It wouldn't be so bad except that I leave for Ireland in less than four weeks. Leaving the country is always stressful. Although this is true, I like the idea of doing life simply for two weeks. And, it's traveling and I feel so blessed to get to go on two international trips in the span of six months. God is good!

OH! That brings to my next thing. I want an adventure this summer. I am going to try to not have to work at Stonewater again, although if it's God's will then let it be so. Anyways, I have many options here. My friends are taking a road trip to California. That would be amazing!!!!! OR, YWAM Chicago. That's all I've come up with thus far. If you have any other ideas for a summer adventure let me know! I'd love to hear some ideas!

And God continually has been reminding me that it is NOT about me. All that matters is Jesus. So, why worry about my math final tomorrow or this summer or worry about money? Jesus is all that matters! That's super refreshing for my soul and my heart...and well, all of me. None but Jesus.

Alright there's my quicky update for ya! Be blessed!!!

A Continuation of Sorts.

Okay. Post number two.

I just got done having a great conversation with a great friend! My oh my how God has given him wisdom. Wisdom of God that is rarely seen these days.

I've come to realize that our culture has this thing where we are all very opinionated and we hate correction. So, we have come to accept that everyone is right. Anyways, speaking truth and correction is not on people's priority list these days. That makes me absolutely sad to think about. How is it that we will ever grow or recognize our evilness and sin? Basically this friend corrected me and spoke truth in a loving manner and it was beautiful! Really, try it sometime.

I also didn't realize that there are so many things in my life that I idolize. Even really truly good things. I idolize prayer, and missions, and community...who knew?!?

I'm not sure how to articulate this really...basically I have mega idols in my life...we all do. Yes, you dear friends who are reading this have idols and bluntly speaking...they need to go.

My idols of what community really is, well, they need to die. Reality is Christ is it. He will always be it. I really don't need community. Christ is my strength. He is my rock. Granted, I'm not opposed to having friends. and mentors and people to support me and such. it's all good, but when I say I can't see God moving b/c I don't have my community, something has gone wrong. And not in God...no sir. In me. In my very own heart.

And missions. God can work here too. Not just in L.A. God is not in a box! He doesn't just roam the streets of London or Africa or India or New York. The creator of the universe holds us.

The sun doesn't rise and set by chance. God causes the sun to rise and set. It's not a snowpocolyse out there by chance. Nope. God lets it snow. I am not typing this and breathing by chance. No. NO NO NO. I am breathing because God is breathing into me the breath of life. How amazing is that!?!

So that's all I can remember for the time being. It's four in the morning and I need to get some sort of sleep. Church tomorrow.

Before I go though...this life is not about you or me. It's not what we can do for God. It's not about how much we pray or read our Bibles...although those are good healthy things. We are here because God choose us weak things to reveal and bring glory to his name. Don't ask me why. Well I know why. It's LOVE! The love of Christ has set us free from our wicked ways.

So tomorrow when you get up for church and are getting ready, try and develop the mindset that it doesn't matter if you smell good. It doesn't matter how you look or what you wear. It's about what's in our hearts. It's not about YOU OR ME! It's about the glory of God. The precious glory of God.

It's late. Like 1 in the morning and I'm still in my real clothes and have lots of energy. It's like last year all over again. Staying up late chatting with friends. Drinking tea and watching cheesy movies. And it's snowing. It's beautiful. Dangerous to drive in, but beautiful!

In 20 minutes I'm chatting with a friend, and I thought about starting homework, but it takes like ten minutes to set everything up and get mentally prepared....big waste of time. So I'm going to update. Since today was unusual to say the least.

This morning I woke up at the crack of dawn for Silent Retreat. A group of Cornerstone students went to a hermitage in Three Rivers. We spent about 7 hours in complete silence. Now, I am so not one for silence. I can't go five minutes without music, my phone, or some kind of back ground noise, but after weeks of being crazy busy I was looking forward to this immensely.

The first hour I slept. I was exhausted and needed to give my body some kind of rest. I think my body appreciated it a lot! Then I journaled. I haven't journaled journaled in weeks! I wrote out everything on my heart! So refreshing. Then I tried to read a book, and fell asleep. Yet the quiet presence of God was there. By some gracious miracle of God I didn't even think about school or the busyness. I never made a "to-do" list...gasp! Just me and God. No technology no music. Just me. And God. My oh my was it refreshing and good. We also worshiped and read liturgy together. We also partook in the sacraments. So beautiful and holy. It was sort of like a whole different world. It was like the twilight zone. I mean come on. Who has ever heard of Americans taking like 8 hours to do nothing and not talk or check e-mail?!? Well, not me until this retreat! I'm going to make this a daily occurrence. of course, not for 8 hours at a time, but for at least an hour. I spend that long playing bubble shooter and on facebook and where will that ever get me?

I was kind of sad to get back to school. Back to reality. Back to the pressures of life. One thing (of many) that I took away is that if I don't start positive habits now, when will I ever? I just have to be done saying I'll change tomorrow, ya know? I'm changing today!

A couple weeks ago a very good friend built me a wooden cross. So, even if I spend 10 minutes a day just pausing and sitting by it, that would do me a whole lot of good.

Terra Firma party.

Then I decided to have some relaxful fun tonight and my oh my it was great loads of fun! My very best friend Chelsie invited me over and so I trekked to her house in the snowglobe of weather! magical might I add and we sat on the floor and drank tea and ate junkfood and chocolate galore! Friends, she has quite the gift of hospitality! I love her! AHH! And we watched a cheese of a film. It was terrible. Terrible everything! It had Mary-Kate and Ashely Olsen in it, so that should tell you something! :) never again. What did I see in those movies anyways?

Anyways...after we looked at pretty vintagy things online and had the most refreshing conversation. So, this might have to be a two part post. This was longer than I expected! So, stay tuned!

There is this person in my life. This person is a man. This man and I were friends this summer and now we aren't. We've had our ups and downs. More downs than ups unforutantely.

This whole post is going to be what I would tell him if I could. Except it would be really mean, so I am going to write it here instead.

This man drives me crazy. I need to let go of him and move on. seriously. But, a part of me can't, because my mind roams back to the summer nights of long conversations over coffee. I miss those times. I miss the genuineness. I want those times back. And, he won't give them to me. He pushes me aside while he deals with the rest of his life. I am not longer someone important in his life. I am just a person. and that stings. a lot.

So, he's my brother in Christ. I am called to love him and serve him as Christ does. But I can tell you right now that he's not worth it. Not worth the pain. Not worth my time. Not worth the energy or anxiety.

And that's that.

The end of the semester is slowly wrapping up. I have one more day of classes, and three days of finals to go. In God's miraculous grace I'm not even super stressed. I have no idea how that is, but praise God I'm not!!!

I've been having YWAM on my heart again lately. It's there and I can't ignore it. But it's difficult, because there are so many aspects to figure out and it's hard discerning what and where God wants me. I know that if I chose to finish school and then do YWAM God would work through that. OR, if I chose to do YWAM after this school year and then finished school...God could work through that. It's just that my faith seems to be all over the place these days. I am far from consistent in my walk and that's frustrating. I don't know what I want to do with my life. I am in that process of seeking direction. CU is getting small and it's hard for me to justify living here and my lifestyle and all that jazz.

And so, I shall resume covering this in prayer.

This weekend is the last weekend I work at Panera. PRAISE GOD! Saturday I have a silent retreat. And Wednesday I'll be home for Christmas! Just like the song! :)

If I have experienced anything this week it's that God is a God of mercy and love. So cliche, but true. I make these awful mistakes and I sin and am selfish and yet God is still intensely in love with me. He yearns for me. He wants me. He still blesses me and speaks and uses. Someway. Somehow. I will never understand that. Ever ever ever.

That's all for today. Busy busy busy day ahead of me.

I thought I would write before I go into the next crazy part of my day.

The last few days have been stressful, overwhelming, difficult and many other not so pretty adjectives. I've let go, I've conquered, I've wished, I've cried, I've been sorry, I've made mistakes.

I'm thinking that is as far as I'm going to go, because everything is in the past and I can only look forward.

Today has been really good! Philosophy actually made sense...for once. Definite plus! I was really productive! Finished my exegesis! Praise God!

Today was also good in the sense that I was reminded of God's gracious faithfulness! He is so extremely good and faithful and worthy to be praised. I'm also continually realizing that I need grace. I try to take things into my own hands and go with the flow.

A friend of mine made me a cross and I use it quite a bit when I'm praying. Or if I am simply walking through the room it is a really good reminder that Jesus paid it all. But really as I'm praying it's awesome to cast my anxiety and worry at the foot of the cross.

And you know what is really hard to let go of? Friends that mean a lot to you. That's tough. I'm learning that ever so slowly.

alright. Not a super dramatic posting, but I have to go to class.

It has been a real long day. Worst weekend I've had in a long time. I don't know if I can face going back to work next weekend.
Today is one of those days where life just empties you of all you've got. But, tomorrow is a new day. Praise God! Tomorrow will be a good day. One where I will have a chance to be strong and confident. Which is so hard! I have so many insecurities and it's hard to just simply put them behind you.

Life is hectic and crazy and I have to tell ya, God has been convicting me of how I use my time. I'm not sure where I'm going with this exactly. But, I need to rid my life of things.

And that's that.

School is a the point of being blah....Homework is at that point of being boring and I am so unmotivated.

Hence the fact that this week was a little unadventurous and it feels like I did nothing to help my grades or intelligence, I am making decision right now to have a good attitude. About everything and anything. I don't care if some of you all say that's not possible. Well for me it will be.

Tonight when I go into work I am going to have a good attitude. I am going to work my very hardest. I pray that through my life God would be praised!

Tomorrow when I work again, I am going to enjoy it and live it up. I am going to serve and love those that walk through Panera's doors. They are children of the King!

Not that this will be hard to enjoy, but when have a sister and sister's friends sleepover I am going to relish it!

This weekend will contain two somewhat adrenaline rushing talks...I am going to bring praise to the Lord through those. Life is to short to have a negative, bitter attitude.

I have an exegetical due next Wednesday. That's right friends, I am going to not dread it, but live up this great challenge and do and try my hardest.

Philosophy test. I am going to give it my all. I can't go back. I can't make up the missed notes and hours of studying. I just can't. But I am determined to try my very best.

Academia may not be my strong suit in life, but God still has given me a mind and I am determined to use it to His glory.

Remember that verse in Corinthians that talks about God using the weak. Well that's me. I'm weak! I fail and make mistakes and fail some more. Yet, somehow by God's grace and never ending mercy and love, He uses me. Blows my mind to China!

So that's Friday's rant....adios.

Well Done.

I've written a lot lately. I have so much to say these days!!! Goodness! And so I'll start at the beginning.

Today is December 1st. I woke up earlier then usual, which by the way, I LOVE. I know it's weird, but I always feel so productive when I wake up before 8! And I love the quietness of the morning! Also I am not able to use the bathroom until about a half hour before class starts, so I decided to wake up at 7:24 instead! Great idea! Well sort of. My whole intention was to do my devotions over breakfast, but that didn't happen. I walked out into the hall and opened the door to walk down the stairs and I see snow! And not just a few flakes floating through the cold, winter air. No my friends...the whole campus was covered in snow!

So I walk to breakfast enraptured with the flakes and crunchy snow! :) I actually had bumped into two friends and sat down and enjoyed their company for about forty minutes. It was relaxing! I sipped hot cocoa and we spent the morning laughing. Second best way to start your day!

Math. Enough said.

Went to chapel. It was beautiful! I sat in my chair and looked around and was surrounded by friends friends friends! I felt so incredibly blessed! I love worshiping with the CU community! The speaker was a pastor from Ada Bible. He spoke on Isaiah 9. He talked mainly about how Jesus came to earth as the Wonderful Counselor, Prince of Peace, Mighty God, and Everlasting King...something along those lines.

And my oh my! God spoke to me. Right. to. the. core. To the very depths that I didn't even know were there! :)

The pastor man goes, "So if you have ever surrendered and let go and given your problem to God then know that God's pleasure is upon you! He says ''well done'!"

well done.

You have no idea how freeing that was for me to hear.

Listen people. I am not intelligent. I make so many mistakes! I have screwed up relationship after relationship after relationship. seriously. I'm a sinner. broken. And yet God says well done. How amazing is that!?! I felt the pleasure and love of Christ so heavily on me!

The school year started really not so great. To put it nicely. It was a really dark sad season. But Joy broke through that. And I found freedom. Not by my own strength or power or might, but by the graciousness of God!

The "well done" statement is freeing for me because I felt like I needed to become more free and more surrendered before God could ever work. Not true. Lies from the pits of hell.

God is working in my heart and He is moving and He loves me despite my humaneness.

And friends, He loves you too. So much. You could never do anything that would separate you from His divine, beautiful love. He calls you beloved. He says, "well done."

So that was my blessed morning.

The afternoon was pretty good too. I ate lunch! Also good friend time! Went to the Corum to get work done. I sat by the fire. Trust me, it's not as lovely as it sounds. I sat by a fireplace. I wished the fire place was actually turned on though, because I love sitting by a fire when it's snowing and blizzardy! I spent a lot of time in the word. Reading different parts of God's mightyness.

I've started this project. I'm reading the bible in six months. I know, there are pros and cons to this, but I'm doing it mostly to be in the word and have a guide.

Then finished math. ICM. Dinner. snow. I've since decided that I dislike driving in the snow. yep. it's true. not so friendly and innocent on the road.

Youth group which was really good! Got to pray with a few teens. Another moment in youth group history that makes you get warm fuzzies and God gently reminds you why you are there. These kids are truly amazing. They have this hunger for more and more and more of God and aren't satisfied with their faith. Ahh! love it.

Sherpa party. Dear me! I feel like I'm in fifth grade writing in my diary. Except this one doesn't have a lock. :)

That was my day. I decided I'm really bad at doing homework. I don't think academia is my area of expertise. Not that I just figured that out. I really want to find something I'm super talented at!

Anyways, God uses me, the weak one. That's amazing!

Alrighty, nighty night!