Time is Running Out.

Tonight my heart is restless.

I want something more. I am not content with my life. I'm not content where my spiritual life is going for starters. And it scares me, because as long as I'm in school I'll be busy. In fact living here, busyness is the plan for my life. The world has my future planned out.

I can't find God here. Maybe it's that I'm not looking hard enough. I believe God is all around me. But I can't find him in the midst of all my stuff. I can't find him in the busyness of my life. I can't find Him in the emotional baggage that I've carried for years. I'm beginning to let go of that all, but it's still there. Everything reminds me of him. And so, I'm learning to cope. I'm learning to deal with it. slowly. But then again, slow is better than nothing.

It's just I'm not happy here. Not genuinely happy. I can't find that joy I had in Guat. or that joy I had in Ecuador, loving on those people, and their simple way of living. I miss not taking showers. and living with only a few belongings. I miss that genuine community. I miss living in a tent in the middle of nowhere.

How come I am told that right now the only place I can find God is at CU? Why is that? This is not the only way.

I have to get out of here. I need to breathe. Time is running out. I long to have a purpose. I love to find God.

I can't find Him here. I am sick of finding God in dainty little bites here and there! I am SO freakin sick of that! I want to see the power of God revealed. The heart of God revealed. I long to see God. I want more of God.

I'm about to burst. God where do I go? Where do I go? Where are you?

I smelled Ecuador tonight. Walking through the parking lot at Woodland. I stepped outside and I smelled it. And my heart longed to go back. My heart longed for a purpose. I refuse to go on living like this. I know that God is moving. And maybe I can't take it all dumped on me. I don't know.

I am so extremely discontent if you couldn't already tell. I have to do something. I can't sit here and pretend it's all okay. I don't particularly want to be in this spiritual state the rest of my life.

It's so terrible being in this state of mind. I can't even begin to tell you what God's heart on this is and where my heart is.