Glorious Disarray...A college students attempt to write something deep at midnight.

Tonight I had a minor meltdown of sorts. Lately a huge struggle (like most college students) of mine has been that in the way of all things money.

"How the freakin way am I going to sponsor Kamal?"

"How am I going to pay off my loan?"

"How am I going to afford books?"

Those are some of the thoughts that have ran through my head. And I remembered that I had three more classes that I needed to buy books for. Each class has multiple books.

Then it happened. A thought. I realized that a couple weeks ago I gave God everything I had and everything I am. I surrendered it all and found freedom in that. I was healed. And God is a lot bigger then money. He is a whole lot bigger then my worries and fears.

He is faithful right? Each of you could take a moment and stop and think back to maybe hundreds of times in your own lives that you have seen the movement of God. The ever present faithfulness. That is beautiful. He is faithful. So faithful.

I've made really dumb mistakes in the past couple of months. I won't get into it, but I quit my job at Panera and at the time thought it was a good idea for multiple reasons and now I'm not so sure. BUT it's in the past and I can't turn back time. So I hereby leave this here and I'm not looking back. It's gone. done with.

I was in bed and Philippians 4 popped into my head and so I decided to read it. And oh, is it ever written so wise and beautifully. It just so happens that Paul was in the same predicament as me. Okay, maybe not the same one, but in principle he was. He worried. He was anxious about things in his life. But he figured it out. He gave it up. He turned his worries into heartfelt prayers and worship. And in turn, God gave him peace that is inconceivable on a human level. Then he even goes as far as to boldly proclaim to all the brothers and sisters to look at your situations and pick out the truth, the honor, the purity, the lovely, the excellent. And he even tells us that he has found a way to be content. Whether he has a little, or a lot. He is content. Through the strength of Christ Paul is content. Paul ends the chapter by telling us that Christ will supply all of our needs. Praise the Lord.

Okay, confession. For a couple weeks i faithfully did my devotions and spent time in the Word. Going to Ireland I haven't. I think it's a whole routine thing for me. One thing I love about God is that He is faithful to meet us where we are. So even though I haven't been in the Word a lot...or at all; He met me tonight. He is full of Grace and full of Mercy.

It's also beautiful that God sees the movements of our hearts. He sees me in my weakness and still beckons me to come to Him. He sees my heart in all it's glorious disarray. I love it! :) That's wonderful.

I am so freakin weak. There are good days, and there are bad days. Rarely are there great days, but I'm learning ever so slowly to walk in freedom and joy no matter what. I'm learning and I"m growing and I'm maturing and that gives me hope. I almost typed, "and that feels good." there's my weakness at its finest folks. No credit goes to me. none. Jesus is my hope.

And that's all there is to it.