I think I'm on this wilderness journey. I feel like the Israelites on their way to the Promised Land.

I'm wandering and I have no idea where I'm going or what I'm doing. It seems like every time I try and take something into my own hands God gently sits me back down and reminds me that He is in fact in control.

Okay, God, let your will be done.

I'm okay with this, except it's a struggle. Grown ups (i.e. parents) expect their college aged children to get jobs during the summer thus making enough money to provide for needs in the up coming school year.

Finding a job didn't go as planned. But I need to be on this refining journey of the heart. Because my heart tends to go every which way. I need to learn to filter. I need to learn to let go. Whatever that looks like.

I'm not sure.

I don't know where this journey is going to lead. I know it will lead somewhere. It just takes time. And commitment. I'm sure I look crazy. Committing to a God. Committing to trusting God who is consistent and faithful and knows all things.

As hard as it may be. There are things this summer God has to teach me. It scares me a little. Uncertainty tends to do that every now and then. I did ask God for an adventure. I think this works.

The last few days have been not so great. That's totally ridiculous considering it is every students dream to have four months off and not do anything.

But I moved home and while it's not all that bad I was hoping for some sort of adventure. Like moving to a different city.

Plus that, grades. Evil little letters that show up about three times a year. It sucks. Really I could care less. I wish I cared though. I care more what my dad thinks. Here comes the tears and another lecture on time and money and friends and technology.

I think it's going to be the longest summer ever. I want to go somewhere. Ya know? Start over. Be away from life as I know it.

Five weeks until Missouri. Just the vacation I need. Five weeks.

Summer has officially started. I'm seriously trying so freakin' hard to have a good attitude about life and the new season of transition I'm in. It's always hard to move home and be under the parents rules again. I think this has to be the last summer of living at home. I've just decided this right now.

Anyways today was good. I woke up early and went to the Starrs and babysat. I just had Isaiah and Aubrey. Those four kids are so darn cute. I can't get over it hardly. So we had fun. Then lunch with them all, minus Eli.

I came home. Went to the mall and then slept for four hours. I woke up and was like okay what am I going to do. I have no desire to clean, so I baked my first dessert of the summer...apple crisp.

So not springy.

Whatevs.

I've decided to buy a chair and a coffee table for my room. That way I can wake up and read my Bible right away. I have lacked in that being grounded in the Word lately. And in prayer.

Grace upon Grace upon Grace...etc...

Nuttso.

So we start tomorrow morning.

Time for sleep.

Only four more days of school. Only four exams left until summer. Crazy!

This morning was really beautiful, actually yesterday was beautiful too. I got up early to start my day. I decided it'd be fun to do a spontaneous Saturday morning shopping trip. You never know what you will find. Sometimes you go and find absolutely nothing! And then sometimes you end up scoring big time! Yesterday was option B. I scored sweet shoes, a wonderful springy dress, and a summery sling purse.

I drove home to get some stuff done and to my delight my wonderful brother decided to take me lunch. It was so sweet! And then last night was worship at BSHOP. It's so good to be with friends and just worship Jesus together. We has some good time prayin' people up! AND well God is good. That's all I have about last night.

This morning I also woke up super early. I've been getting a solid 6-8 hours of sleep lately. It's worked. Eh. School's almost done anyways. I put on my new dress and decided it looked gloriously beautiful outside. I walked around the pond and prayed and told Jesus everything that was on my heart at the moment. Then I read some Scripture. This morning I'm going to Crossroads for church and studying the day away until the last Evensong.

I'm getting excited to move out and transition back home. But, a little part of me is sad too. I love this place and I love the people. The homework and other stuff....not so much. But what is, is.

I've really been asking God to prepare my heart for this summer. Last summer I go to the end of working and really was feeling burnt out. God let Your will be done no matter what. I want to be obedient. I also want to find joy in whatever I do.

Apart from my "20 before 21" list I think I'll make a list of things I want to accomplish and do this summer.

Summer Funsies List:

1. Go on weekly adventures downtown. This includes finding more coffee shoppes and thrift stores.

2. Get rid of lots of my junk that I never even look at or use.

2. Redecorate my room. I want to find some cute vintage furniture and do some DIY projects. I want to find a really fun vintage chair and coffee table for my room. I also want to find other fun accessories to liven it up! AND of course, add REDDD!!!! I love me some red.

3. I want to learn how to bake. And not the boring Betty Crocker crap. Like homemade, made from scratch, organic, yumminess, sugary goodness, stuff. My goal is to try making one new thing a week. And then bless our neighbors or friends or someone that needs a sugar high.

4. Take cake decorating classes or research how to make a cake online and then DO IT! I've said for a few summers that I wanted to do this, but either have been too lazy or too busy. so this is the summer friends. We'll see. Maybe I'll start with an easy cake first. I really want to nail down my own recipe and then go for it! Hmmm...red velvet? (Just for you Chelsie!) or chocolate? Or....strawberry!!!!??!!!!!!!!! YES! That'd be so creative...and strawberries are red! :)

5. I also want to find a vintage bike. Maybe repaint it and fix it up....because I'm so mechanically intelligent. NOT! Whatevs. That's what the internet is for!

6. I want to really pour into the girls at church as much as I'm able too. I'm not completely sure what that looks like. I know when I was their age, I LOVED having adult woman youth sponsors take me out for coffee or breakfast. Yes, I love coffee and food, but it was SO nice to sit and talk to them. Maybe that's what it looks like. Or maybe it doesn't have to look like anything.

7. I long to GROW GROW GROW! And mature.

8. Find joy in working.

9. Read the whole Bible. I want to spend massive amounts of time in the Word. It's my food!

10. I want to learn to love my family and friends and bless them. I want to learn what it means and IS to walk in Christ's humility.

11. My goal is to read 15 books this summer. Not stupid love novels. Like inspirational books. That's five books a month. Totally legit!

12. Go to the beach. Enough said.

13. Buy a DSLR CAMERA!!!!!!!!!!!!! Someone told me you can easily find one on Craigslist for 300-400 dollars! HECK YES! I so want to develop and grow in photography. I love it so much! Sometimes when I'm walking or driving I can see a photograph and wish I had a nice camera to capture the moment.

14. I want to expand my indie/folk/acoustic music. Any good artists?

That's all. This is how a person gets overwhelmed I suppose.

Life has been interesting as of late. It's been different. God is taking me somewhere. Some moments it feels like the desert. I feel dry and dark and hardened. Some moments are painful and frustrating.

But some are joyful and exciting and speak of freedom.

The last few weeks have been super difficult on a number of levels. To be specific, yesterday was plain hard. It was simply overwhelming. But, for the first time I felt like there was joy in the suffering.

Lately God and I have been wrestling. Over a guy. Nothing new. God's like "Lauren, let go." I'm like, "God I can't." Yes. So on and so forth.

And today I've settled it in my heart to let go.

I try, try is the key word here, to let go. I really do. Does it work? Never.

Okay, fast forward to tonight. I was bitter. That's the word. Bitter. angry. hurt. frustrated. raging on the inside.

A few days ago I listened to Derek's message on forgiveness.

Tonight I went to Crossroads and worshiped with their college students. So freeing. We worshiped and then we studied 1 John 4:7-21 together. SO GOOD.

Everything was completely what I needed to hear. You can go look it up. I'm not going to rehash every single part of it. But, one thing God really spoke to me tonight was about forgiveness and loving and letting go.

For forever literally I've tried letting go of things. Dude. Okay, I'm still carrying a lot of the crap I was years ago. It's ridiculous. Tonight God is like, "Lauren you can't let go, because you don't trust me. Because you are trying in your flesh. You flesh is sinful and evil and dark. I am light and freedom and love and so much more. Your flesh is sinful. I am Love. Love is the opposite of sin. Love is the opposite of hate and rage and bitterness and all that. You can't forgive and let go and love because you are operating in your fleshlyness. Trust me. Ask ME to love through you. Abide in me and I will abide in you. You must operate in my Spirit. I know you can't love by your own strength and wisdom. Only through me."

Okay, it's really really really easy to love some people. Love naturally overflows out of the wellsprings of my heart for some people. Then, well there are honestly others who I don't love. I avoid them mostly. I can't love those people in my own strength. And for the last 9ish months I've tried. I've prayed, "Jesus, help me love this person and that person."

Instead it needs to be "Jesus I am sinful, and broken. I am not capable of loving naturally. Please be my strength. Please love through me. Love in me. Be in me. Abide in me. Because I can't. I am not strong enough."

Jesus has overcome the grave. He has overcome. He has overcome sin. He has overcome shame and guilt and that other sucky stuff. He has overcome my pride. He has overcome my shame. My guilt. All the mistakes of yesterday. All of them today. All of them tomorrow and forever and forever.

WOW! His mercies are NEW EVERY SINGLE MORNING!

Back to 1 John. God is love. He is love. I feel like that should make me fall to my news every time I get out of bed in the morning. I feel like it should make me love others. I feel like it would happen naturally. I don't think I let the Word of God sink in and move me. I don't tremble at it.

I want to be so consumed with the Love of Jesus.

This means I can't go around saying "I love chocolate" or "I love Grand Rapids." If God is love and love is God then when I say those things such as "I love tacos" I'm rejecting God.

I think that might be all. I really want Jesus to consume my every desire. I really want to meet with him forever and love on Him.

Also, I've been really filled with joy and love tonight and happiness and laughter. It's a nice change. There really is joy in the sadness and heartache and letting go.

So Jesus take my desires. They aren't mine. They are yours. May my desires be your desires. May I chose love always. No matter what. May I always abhor what is evil and hold fast to what is good and right and true and pure. May I cling to you in the times when life gets wavy and stormy and dark. I always want to follow you Jesus. Put within in me a hunger and desire to love you Father. I love you through my love for others. That's the only way people see Christ. Manifested in me. In my actions and words and thoughts even...okay people don't know those, but you do. May your name be magnified through you. May this move me to action Jesus.

In Christ alone. In His holy name.

That's all.

God has been ever so faithful. And He will continue to be. For the thousandth time this week has been the roughest, most painful week I've walked through in a while. In fact I feel as though God maybe preparing me to walk into the "wilderness" this summer. It's like all this anxiety has come upon me.

Last night was just terrible, and tonight I was so filled and so blown away by Christ and deep thoughts and Colassians and then all of a sudden an attack. I forget that the devil is on the prowl. But it was so good. I pretty much thought I was going to run out of gas and I didn't. I got three pieces of cheesecake, which is an extra blessing. I was like "God I need to hear "Our God" on the radio." And of course, it came on right away. That happened yesterday too. Tonight God provided someone to intercede for me. Tonight God met me. Tonight God filled me with peace. Tonight God provided strength to get homework done. Tonight God is helping me look forward.

They are tiny things, yes.

Last summer I sat in Lincoln Park on Bridge St. with Delaney and we were talking. We were talking about what it would be like to live in faith. Like complete faith. I think that's when I began praying and telling the Lord I wanted to live in faith. God has seen the desires of my heart and the hunger there.

And so, for some reason, God heard that cry of my heart and he heard the prayer in the park that summer day.

He also answered it. I mean I was at Panera for five weeks and then quit. I have barely had any money. There are so many things God has taken out of my life.

See, I'm living by faith. Everyday is new. I am continually praying "Jesus, give me today my daily bread. Let your will be done."

It's a beautiful place to be in. Dependence on God. Because the world fails me. People fail me. My parents fail. I fail myself. I find myself continually going to the Lord for everything. I'm at a point where I am holding nothing back. It's a journey of surrender.

And tonight God blessed me with rest. I was planning on going home, but have no gas to get home, so I came back to CU. It's nice. It's quiet. I talked to God and wrote a mini outline. Now it's bed time. It's so peaceful in here. No roommate. No chaos. No people. Just the Lord and I.

God is faithful. Always, forever.

Tomorrow I'm going to wake up and shower and pack some things. Spend time with Jesus. Write my theology paper. Good Friday service probably at noon. Home.

That's all.

HOPE

Right now my heart hurts. The only thing I can think to do in the moment is pray and worship and write.

This morning was Derek and Dylan's funeral. It broke me. It made me feel things inside that I didn't even think existed.

I really don't even know what to write, except the same thing I wrote a few days ago.

Derek's life is causing people all over to stop and evaluate their lives and how they are living. He is causing people to run hard and fast. To run this race, focusing our ever wandering eyes on the face of Jesus.

Like, this changes absolutely everything.

I can't just go to youth group tonight the same. I can't just go pour myself out on those teens half heartedly. I want to go fast and hard. Because life is short.

About a month ago I was at Starbucks with a friend and we walk in. Towards the back there are a few people from Crossroads and one of them is Derek.

I was thinking that Derek didn't know he was going to die about a month later. Yet he still ran the race faster and harder and faster and harder.

I don't know when I am going to die. You don't know when you are going to die. Doesn't it make sense to throw our lives into Christ who is the HOPE of the world?

It make perfect sense. This last week or so I have realized how fragile life is. I have realized how broken I am. How in need of Grace I am.

From what I have heard, Derek's message was "repent for the kingdom of heaven is near. Repent and turn away from your sin."

I have realized the fullness of Christ. In Him is LIFE. In HIM there is LIGHT. He is the light. He is life. In Christ there is no death. There is no darkness. He is holy and sovereign and good and true and pure and right.

Be lifted higher Jesus. Be lifted higher.

You are stronger. You are stronger. Sin is broken. You have saved me. It is written. Christ is risen. Jesus you are Lord of all. So let Your name be lifted higher and higher and higher. No matter what. As I become lower and lower and lower. As I die to my sinful self.

God no matter what You are the Hope in this dark time.

I saw the hope. It's been so sad and gloomy and cloudy and depressing the past week. The sun hasn't come out and I haven't even see the sky. But I looked outside and for the briefest moment I saw blue sky peak out.

Darkness may last for the night, but JOY comes in the morning.

Our God is greater, Our God is stronger. God you are higher than any other. Our God is healer. Awesome in power. Our God. So if our God is for us. Then who could ever stop us. And if our God is with us, then what can stand against?

But this I call to mind and therefore I have hope. Great is His faithfulness. His mercies are new every morning.

Those who HOPE in the Lord will never ever be put to shame.

You are my strength when I am weak. You are the treasure that I seek.

Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord. You are the everlasting God. You do not faint, you won't grow weary. Our God you reign forever. Our HOPE our strong deliverer.

No matter what, I am determined to run fast and hard. To forsake the things of this world for the GLORY and HOPE of what is to come. Because Jesus loves me enough to die a sinner's death upon a cross. For Derek.