Aspirations of the Mind

Life has been interesting as of late. It's been different. God is taking me somewhere. Some moments it feels like the desert. I feel dry and dark and hardened. Some moments are painful and frustrating.

But some are joyful and exciting and speak of freedom.

The last few weeks have been super difficult on a number of levels. To be specific, yesterday was plain hard. It was simply overwhelming. But, for the first time I felt like there was joy in the suffering.

Lately God and I have been wrestling. Over a guy. Nothing new. God's like "Lauren, let go." I'm like, "God I can't." Yes. So on and so forth.

And today I've settled it in my heart to let go.

I try, try is the key word here, to let go. I really do. Does it work? Never.

Okay, fast forward to tonight. I was bitter. That's the word. Bitter. angry. hurt. frustrated. raging on the inside.

A few days ago I listened to Derek's message on forgiveness.

Tonight I went to Crossroads and worshiped with their college students. So freeing. We worshiped and then we studied 1 John 4:7-21 together. SO GOOD.

Everything was completely what I needed to hear. You can go look it up. I'm not going to rehash every single part of it. But, one thing God really spoke to me tonight was about forgiveness and loving and letting go.

For forever literally I've tried letting go of things. Dude. Okay, I'm still carrying a lot of the crap I was years ago. It's ridiculous. Tonight God is like, "Lauren you can't let go, because you don't trust me. Because you are trying in your flesh. You flesh is sinful and evil and dark. I am light and freedom and love and so much more. Your flesh is sinful. I am Love. Love is the opposite of sin. Love is the opposite of hate and rage and bitterness and all that. You can't forgive and let go and love because you are operating in your fleshlyness. Trust me. Ask ME to love through you. Abide in me and I will abide in you. You must operate in my Spirit. I know you can't love by your own strength and wisdom. Only through me."

Okay, it's really really really easy to love some people. Love naturally overflows out of the wellsprings of my heart for some people. Then, well there are honestly others who I don't love. I avoid them mostly. I can't love those people in my own strength. And for the last 9ish months I've tried. I've prayed, "Jesus, help me love this person and that person."

Instead it needs to be "Jesus I am sinful, and broken. I am not capable of loving naturally. Please be my strength. Please love through me. Love in me. Be in me. Abide in me. Because I can't. I am not strong enough."

Jesus has overcome the grave. He has overcome. He has overcome sin. He has overcome shame and guilt and that other sucky stuff. He has overcome my pride. He has overcome my shame. My guilt. All the mistakes of yesterday. All of them today. All of them tomorrow and forever and forever.

WOW! His mercies are NEW EVERY SINGLE MORNING!

Back to 1 John. God is love. He is love. I feel like that should make me fall to my news every time I get out of bed in the morning. I feel like it should make me love others. I feel like it would happen naturally. I don't think I let the Word of God sink in and move me. I don't tremble at it.

I want to be so consumed with the Love of Jesus.

This means I can't go around saying "I love chocolate" or "I love Grand Rapids." If God is love and love is God then when I say those things such as "I love tacos" I'm rejecting God.

I think that might be all. I really want Jesus to consume my every desire. I really want to meet with him forever and love on Him.

Also, I've been really filled with joy and love tonight and happiness and laughter. It's a nice change. There really is joy in the sadness and heartache and letting go.

So Jesus take my desires. They aren't mine. They are yours. May my desires be your desires. May I chose love always. No matter what. May I always abhor what is evil and hold fast to what is good and right and true and pure. May I cling to you in the times when life gets wavy and stormy and dark. I always want to follow you Jesus. Put within in me a hunger and desire to love you Father. I love you through my love for others. That's the only way people see Christ. Manifested in me. In my actions and words and thoughts even...okay people don't know those, but you do. May your name be magnified through you. May this move me to action Jesus.

In Christ alone. In His holy name.

That's all.