Being Formatted...Spiritually.

Tonight spiritual formation was epic! Maybe epic is the wrong word exactly, but it definitely was totally what I needed to hear. Professor Bustrum began by talking about "The Dark Night of the Soul," referring to spiritual highs and lows. First to note, I am for sure in a "spiritually low" season of life. One that is dry and seemingly lifeless. As my professor puts it, "it's like I am in a tomb, and God is absent." I can't feel Him, hear Him, see Him, touch Him.

And I can see myself slipping back and going back to the old ways of life. It's not fun, but I have this great answer!

Adam was created. He went all around the garden and never found relationship. He was lonely. He longed for pleasure, for someone, something. God solved that problem real fast and made Eve!

Before I started wholeheartedly seeking out Jesus and became a committed Christian I tried to fill my void by looking at porn and seeking out the attention of guys and even girls. I lived this ugly double life. I tried money, materialism, media...those sorts of things.

Then I came to know Jesus. Usually when we come to know Christ we have this crazy passion and pleasure is found in following Jesus. We look forward to reading out Bible and praying and loving others and serving and our views have changed and our relationship change for the good. We look forward to church!

And then that flame dies. We wonder why God has left us. Why he has forsaken us. If you can picture God showering down pleasure and passion on us, well that's what it looks like basically. But then God takes that bottle of pleasure and passion away.

Before I explain this matter further ask yourselves why you go to God. If you hear people on Sundays pray or even if you search your own life you might come across something similar to my experience. For me I tend to pray prayers that are focused on me. "God, heal me of this. God get me this job. Lord provide for this. Restore this person." You get the picture.

Well my dear friends. That is not why we are here. That is not what we are created for. Oh, and by the way, sometimes for me praying those types of prayers leave me empty also. We are not created to worship anything other than God alone!

We go to church and Evensong for pleasure don't we? I look forward to church because I am eager to see what God has for ME. I go to Evensong because I'm excited for some good community. God actually really wants us to worship for HIS sake. NOT OURS.

And so He takes away the bottle.

God wants us during these desert times to fill our void with the Holy Spirit.

So, I understand why I'm in this season of life. I'm beginning too. God has really been opening my heart and eyes to interesting things that are quiet helpful. Divine understanding is what I like to call it.

So yeah, my motives need to change. Because they have been so focused on me. I'm on a journey to see what happens when my focus is on God completely. I feel it's going to be hard. But so worth it! I need to keep being in the Word and in prayer and being. Being with Jesus. Communing with my Savior.

So that's it. I'm going to actually eat breakfast tomorrow morning, so I need to go to bed. Thanks for listening! :)

If I said I had completely let go, I'm afraid I'd be wrong. I haven't. I try to get away from it, but I can't. It's impossible.

The same tune is in every song, every building, every car ride, every person.

Besides that...

The desire to be in the Word or prayer is completely quenched. The longing is completely gone. I haven't actually been in the Word and prayer for a long long time. Like a whole week in a half! And the scary thing is, I'm okay with that.

I'm searching for the reality of God. I don't know if it's laziness, but every time I think of God it's like these walls go up. I'm sure I'm supposed to learn something from this, but I can't quite put my finger on it exactly. The joy to live is not there. I sit on Facebook all day. I let myself go. I don't care about anyone anymore it feels like. I have no idea what I am doing in ministry. What I am doing at CU. What I am doing with my life.

I don't know where to go from here.

Okay in Hebrews it talks about how faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. Right? Right. So then how does feeling play into that? Because I believe in God, but then I can't seem to feel God or hear God. I also think to the subject of marriage. Marriage is between a man and a woman. At first it's butterrflies and love and rainbows and horses that are white. There are the feelings. The girl falls weak at the knees with every glance from her man. Need I go further?

Anyways, the point is their relationship starts off with feelings. But as it progresses the feelings are gone, but their love is somehow still there (I truly believe for real genuine love, Christ must be the center!). Love I suppose is not mere feelings, because those are fleeting. Love is action. It's a sacrifice for something greater than yourself. It's serving your husband or wife even when you don't really want too. It's sitting down and talking to a friend. You get the picture.

So is our relationship with Christ like this too? I think as in any relationship, the feelings always will come and go. Sometimes we have to get down to the simple basics of a relationship to find the beauty in it once again.

Tonight I had the privilege of talking some life issues out with my cousin. It was...refreshing. That's the best word. My soul was absolutely, positively refreshed to the uttermost. praise God!

The main thing he talked to me about was that nothing in life is really as bad as we make it. It's never that negative. God created me. He made me with these feelings. He made me this way. He freakin' created me! He knows that what I'm going through is a good thing. It's a chance to get closer to God. God's like, "Yes! This time is a beautiful time for me and Lauren to grow closer to each other. She has to trust me!"

This too shall pass.

The present is perfect.

This dry season will pass. It's a chance to remain faithful to Christ. Like a husband is faithful to his wife. What a beautiful picture!

Another thing we talked about was that of living life to the fullest. I have so much stress from being so task-oriented! If you have ever been in my dorm room you know that I love sticky notes! And planners! I like being organized. a lot. That's alright though, but when I'm always thinking and being consumed by what needs to get done tomorrow and tonight and stressing over philosophy and math, well that's when it's not healthy. That's when stress encompasses me. That's when I get burnt out. I miss out on the present and what I'm learning. I miss out on the lives of others and what God is doing. So, tonight I'm going to enjoy movie night with my family and I'm not going to think about tomorrow. I'm going to relax and enjoy myself.

This day sure has took a turn for the better. It's so good to hear that living for God is so worth it and that God is faithful! It's super encouraging!!!! It's ALRIGHT to have these feelings. It's OKAY to walk through these places. I didn't do anything wrong. It's not a punishment, instead it's another season to grow and mature in my faith.

Alright I've exhausted you all, but I hope that maybe this is encouraging in the least.

God is GOOD. All PRAISE, HONOR, and GLORY to God the Father!!!

It's sad how busy my life has gotten. And not just sad, but exhausting in a lot of ways. On the way to work this morning I actually turned down the radio and spent time talking to God. Bascially, I asked God to give me the strength to say "no," and grace to give up things next semester that clutter my life. I am not so sure God ever meant for us to work our butts off everyday. I was thinking tonight about the people I know who are always working. How tired they must get. How passionless and old life must get.

I don't want to go through my days checking things off my schedule in hopes for a well rounded resume and a great job. I want to enjoy life to the fullest. I want to stop in the middle of a hectic day and paint. I want to come home on the weekends after work and bake some tasty treats. I want to have time to actually sit down and talk to friends. I want to take time everyday to actually be in the Word and talk to God. I also want to do well in my leaderships positions. I also want to do well in school. I hate rushing through things!

Really, all I want is JOY back. Being happy is so fleeting. JOY is real and genuine. Maybe what I am going through is in fact a desert season. Whatever is going on I have to keep pressing on. I'm in this race and I want to win the Prize.

God, fill my life with copious amounts of Your joy, or your love, of your grace! You are so good God. I am so blessed! You are so faithful and majestic and so wonderfully powerful! Thank you for these challenges. Thank you for picking us up when we fail and makes huge mistakes and hurt people and hurt ourselves. Thank you for being there Jesus to hold our hand and walk through these valley's with us. You are so lovely. You are so good.

I love you.

Your Daughter,

Lauren

"Cast ALL of your burdens on Him because He cares for you!"

The Seemingly Large, Concrete Wall.

I made it to Thanksgiving..almost. Only by the Grace of God. Seriously. I really don't know how I made it here. The semester has been insanely insane. I'm ready for it to be over. And oh my goodness it just dawned on me that I am going to Ireland! I know, it's ridiculous that I would forget something like that, but like I said, life is insane.

I love Thanksgiving, well most of the time. This year, I feel will be different and depressing. I don't know why exactly.

So I have this wall in my heart. I hate walls, especially those that are emotional or spiritual. The stupid walls need to come down. It's sort of like I can't feel anymore. It's like my heart won't let God in. I don't like that. At all. I want the walls to come down down down! They don't belong there whatsoever! It's also quite difficult, because my life doesn't contain hurdles and pain at the moment. You could say it is a joyful season (even though I can't even feel the freakin' joy!!!). I need pain in my life. I need to be broken...again and again and again! That's where I want to be!

I don't want pain for the sake of pain. That's dumb. duh! It's in those moments where I am full and God is so very near. Not that He isn't here with me as I write this or am full of joy, but I'm so tired of being stagnant. I want that vibrant faith. One that is actually alive. I feel like I go with the flow and I am doing my duty as a college student. I don't like that. God has placed me in positions of leadership and I want to learn and embrace them. I want to bring Him glory in my life. In every aspect. When I'm sitting in Philosophy class or at Panera doing the "line." Or in my dorm room with my roommate. You get the picture. God is good. God is working. I do know this, but I need my heart changed.

I know that's weird. I don't feel that longing, but I know in my mind that I need change, because I've tasted and I've seen the goodness of the Lord. It's so good!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AHHH!!!!! I wonder if it's bad that my heart and mind aren't in unison? Hmmmm...

okay it is now officially time to wrap up this day and blow this popcsicle stand!

20 before 21

Wow...it's been a long while since I last updated this thing. Life is ridiculously (maybe even unhealthy) busy. It's been one thing right after the other! I'm getting to the point where I'm tired of being tired and I want some peace in life.

I really need to learn how to say "no." seriously. The word no and I need to become the best of friends. Yet, somehow by the grace of God I have energy and (on most days) and exuberance to get out of bed and do something with my life. I have decided that tonight

Something new in my life that has been scary, challenging, and maybe even fun is starting a new job at Panera. I'll tell you more about that later!

This week I have been thinking about how scary it is that Thanksgiving is already here! Three days away! Which of course means there are about two weeks left in the semester! Crazy! Seriously, where does the freakin' time go?

Now, this got me thinking. Do I really fly through life because I have no other choice? NO! (there's that word again). I want to live and experience life and do things! I was reading a couple blogs and they each made a list of what they want to do before their next birthdays.

Granted my21st birhtday is about 6 months away, but there's no time like the present, right? Right.

I'm going to attempt to make a list of 2o things to do before my 21st birthday.

1. Practice my painting skills

2. Discover more music

3. Sew a dress

4. Make a new desert or pastry once a month

5. Spend time everyday being quiet

6. Buy a type writer and write letters to people

7. Do really well in school next semester

8. Learn about Ireland and C.S. Lewis before January 8

9. (This really should be first, but I feel like Jesus should encompass and be a part of each one of these things.) I want to continue growing intimately in love with Christ.

10. Read the whole Bible

11. Find hip coffee shoppes in GR

12. Learn to be content

13. Buy an DSLR camera

14. Eat more protein

(this is getting difficult)

15. Go to India

16. Learn how to be a good daughter, sister, friend, mentor, leader, etc...

17. Read all of my books on my booklist

18. Spend time in prayer for LIFE on a daily basis

19. Go to Omega House to pray more regulary

20. Get rid of Facebook once and for all!

Yep. there it is. It will be interesting to see if I can actually do any of this faithfully. I hope so.

Right now I'm sitting in the Corum nd it's is pouring down rain. I mean a huge down pour! I love rain though. Some people find it a nuisance, but I love it! It's soothing. It's healing. It's lovely and warm.

Okay, well homework is calling.

Be blessed dear friends. OH! And in the spirit of Thanksgiving don't forget to think about what you are thankful for and all of the blessings God has blessed you with. We have more than we think we do.

L

Today is splendidly beautiful! I am all cozy with my hat, scarf, Regina Specktor, hot chocolate and of course, my turtle neck.

It's a good day.

Tonight I and a whole bunch of other superly cool teens are heading up north for a Fall Retreat. It will be cold, but awesome! Seriously these kids are super cool! They are SOO much fun. But besides that I'm excited to see how God moves. I'm not sure. The thing I have begun to learn is that I need to stop expecting big big big things to happen. When this does go down I usually miss out on the small things. I don't want to miss out.

This afternoon will consist of lots of prayer. And if you feel impressed, it'd be cool if you said a quicky prayer for us all.

It will be great...as long as we don't freeze to death. I'm not planning on it. I survived Toronto. I can for sure survive Traverse City.

Anyways, it's time go. People to see places to be.

Toronto Number Two.

I hate negativity. I avoid conflict at all cost and stray from the pain in life.

It was brought to my attention by someone who actually lives in Regent Park that, my post was not an accurate portrayal of the city.

So, I'm going to write about the positivity I saw. They ways I saw God work this last weekend.

1. Getting us there and back.

2. It was beautiful how so many nations and ethnicities came together peacefully in one city. They all got along. The streets were filled with Jamacian restaurants, and Mexican and Italian and Greek. It was spectacular!!!!!!!!!!!!! That's how it should be.

3. I loved the charming, old buildings that stood on the streets.

4. I loved the people. I loved that they are so willing to be open with you and chat for a while.

5. I loved that God began breaking my heart more and more for the hurting people of the world and Grand Rapids.

6. The missionaries were absolutely amazing!

7. I saw God as redeemer. I saw him as provider. I saw him as Love. Even in the dark times.

That's all for now. God is good and I believe he is raising up people in Toronto and breaking through the evil. He is good and worthy to be praised above ALL else.

God is good Eh?

Hello!

I am back from Toronto. And I have a few minutes (not in philosophy by the way) to update you on this interesting trip.

We drove all Friday afternoon and got there around 8ish. We went to this amazing Jamaican restaurant! It was the bomb!!!!!!!!! Then we went on this prayer tour through the city. We saw the good, the bad, the ugly. No lies right here. It was insane. We drove down the worst street in all of Toronto. It was terrible. We saw the corner where high sex trafficking takes place and we saw the corner where low trafficking occurs. Basically a lot of terrible things take place on this road. We saw Regent Park where a lot of affordable housing is. We saw the "fifth avenue" of Toronto.

It's terribly sad

It's like this. We all agreed that whatever way you look at it rich people and poor people have addictions that are heart breaking. The poor may have addictions to porn or drugs, but rich people have this addiction to material goods and wealth that gives them a five minute high.

We prayed for Toronto. Oddly, my heart was brought back to Grand Rapids. It's wierd considering we were there for these Canadians that are desperately in need of the Grace of the Father. Yet, my heart broke for our city.

Saturday we literally woke up at the crack of dawn. We ate, did devotions. Then we went to "The Good Shepherd." It's the equalivalent of Guiding Light Mission. It's a men's shelter and all of them are homeless. It's heartbreaking. I met a beautiful woman named Annette there.

Then we went and made beds. Next we ate some good Greek food. After we went to St. Lawrence Market. Objective: love on some people. Delaney and I found young woman who was sitting by herself waiting for her mom so we went and talked to her. She had to leave so we walked and came across a man on the sidewalk. He had a guitar and suitcase in tow. It naturally fell over, so we ran and picked it up.

This then spurned an hour of him talking to us and explaining that "Canadians LOVE Americans to death! We do. We really do. But we hate your government." And so we listened to him tell us this ten different ways. It was quite humorous.

Then we did a street walk. I don't even know what to say about this. I can't hardly fathom a 13 year old running away and going to a big city such as Toronto. It's incredible. So, if any of you want to run away...please don't. Trust me. Not a good situation.

It's sad. I do not even know how to say it.

Four years ago, when my family and I went to visit it for vacation I didn't like it then, and I don't like it now. It has it's charming aspects, but it's mostly just incredibley sad. The streets are lined with sex shops, porn shops, strip clubs, massage rooms, liquor stores, and other things that I don't want to know. It's unbelievable.

Then Sunday we cleaned and made beds at the shelter. We then headed to a Filippon Church. That was quite the adventure. I missed a lot of the sermon, because I definitely fell asleep. Missions= very little sleep. I'm beginning to learn this firsthand. Then ate some some interesting food.

Then HOMEEEE!!!!!!!!!!

I so want God to break my heart more and more for this city. There is so much pain and sin and evil. I want to bring LIFE and see the Lord move drastically!!!

I know this will take a lot of persistent prayer. I'm willing.

Anyways, that was my trip.