The same tune is in every song, every building, every car ride, every person.
Besides that...
The desire to be in the Word or prayer is completely quenched. The longing is completely gone. I haven't actually been in the Word and prayer for a long long time. Like a whole week in a half! And the scary thing is, I'm okay with that.
I'm searching for the reality of God. I don't know if it's laziness, but every time I think of God it's like these walls go up. I'm sure I'm supposed to learn something from this, but I can't quite put my finger on it exactly. The joy to live is not there. I sit on Facebook all day. I let myself go. I don't care about anyone anymore it feels like. I have no idea what I am doing in ministry. What I am doing at CU. What I am doing with my life.
I don't know where to go from here.
Okay in Hebrews it talks about how faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. Right? Right. So then how does feeling play into that? Because I believe in God, but then I can't seem to feel God or hear God. I also think to the subject of marriage. Marriage is between a man and a woman. At first it's butterrflies and love and rainbows and horses that are white. There are the feelings. The girl falls weak at the knees with every glance from her man. Need I go further?
Anyways, the point is their relationship starts off with feelings. But as it progresses the feelings are gone, but their love is somehow still there (I truly believe for real genuine love, Christ must be the center!). Love I suppose is not mere feelings, because those are fleeting. Love is action. It's a sacrifice for something greater than yourself. It's serving your husband or wife even when you don't really want too. It's sitting down and talking to a friend. You get the picture.
So is our relationship with Christ like this too? I think as in any relationship, the feelings always will come and go. Sometimes we have to get down to the simple basics of a relationship to find the beauty in it once again.
Tonight I had the privilege of talking some life issues out with my cousin. It was...refreshing. That's the best word. My soul was absolutely, positively refreshed to the uttermost. praise God!
The main thing he talked to me about was that nothing in life is really as bad as we make it. It's never that negative. God created me. He made me with these feelings. He made me this way. He freakin' created me! He knows that what I'm going through is a good thing. It's a chance to get closer to God. God's like, "Yes! This time is a beautiful time for me and Lauren to grow closer to each other. She has to trust me!"
This too shall pass.
The present is perfect.
This dry season will pass. It's a chance to remain faithful to Christ. Like a husband is faithful to his wife. What a beautiful picture!
Another thing we talked about was that of living life to the fullest. I have so much stress from being so task-oriented! If you have ever been in my dorm room you know that I love sticky notes! And planners! I like being organized. a lot. That's alright though, but when I'm always thinking and being consumed by what needs to get done tomorrow and tonight and stressing over philosophy and math, well that's when it's not healthy. That's when stress encompasses me. That's when I get burnt out. I miss out on the present and what I'm learning. I miss out on the lives of others and what God is doing. So, tonight I'm going to enjoy movie night with my family and I'm not going to think about tomorrow. I'm going to relax and enjoy myself.
This day sure has took a turn for the better. It's so good to hear that living for God is so worth it and that God is faithful! It's super encouraging!!!! It's ALRIGHT to have these feelings. It's OKAY to walk through these places. I didn't do anything wrong. It's not a punishment, instead it's another season to grow and mature in my faith.
Alright I've exhausted you all, but I hope that maybe this is encouraging in the least.
God is GOOD. All PRAISE, HONOR, and GLORY to God the Father!!!
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