The Seemingly Large, Concrete Wall.

I made it to Thanksgiving..almost. Only by the Grace of God. Seriously. I really don't know how I made it here. The semester has been insanely insane. I'm ready for it to be over. And oh my goodness it just dawned on me that I am going to Ireland! I know, it's ridiculous that I would forget something like that, but like I said, life is insane.

I love Thanksgiving, well most of the time. This year, I feel will be different and depressing. I don't know why exactly.

So I have this wall in my heart. I hate walls, especially those that are emotional or spiritual. The stupid walls need to come down. It's sort of like I can't feel anymore. It's like my heart won't let God in. I don't like that. At all. I want the walls to come down down down! They don't belong there whatsoever! It's also quite difficult, because my life doesn't contain hurdles and pain at the moment. You could say it is a joyful season (even though I can't even feel the freakin' joy!!!). I need pain in my life. I need to be broken...again and again and again! That's where I want to be!

I don't want pain for the sake of pain. That's dumb. duh! It's in those moments where I am full and God is so very near. Not that He isn't here with me as I write this or am full of joy, but I'm so tired of being stagnant. I want that vibrant faith. One that is actually alive. I feel like I go with the flow and I am doing my duty as a college student. I don't like that. God has placed me in positions of leadership and I want to learn and embrace them. I want to bring Him glory in my life. In every aspect. When I'm sitting in Philosophy class or at Panera doing the "line." Or in my dorm room with my roommate. You get the picture. God is good. God is working. I do know this, but I need my heart changed.

I know that's weird. I don't feel that longing, but I know in my mind that I need change, because I've tasted and I've seen the goodness of the Lord. It's so good!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AHHH!!!!! I wonder if it's bad that my heart and mind aren't in unison? Hmmmm...

okay it is now officially time to wrap up this day and blow this popcsicle stand!