Inadequacies.

It's really hard being here. In this place. I feel entangled by sin and so very complacent. I can't get out. I feel like I'm drowning in an ocean of thought and striving. Something is wrong. Something is out of place in my heart. There is some stronghold in my life that is stuck. I don't know if it's from me not guarding my heart. I don't know if it's because I'm lying to myself by sticking with the status quo. I don't know if Cornerstone University is for me or not. I don't know for sure what my major is supposed to be. I don't know how to get out of this entanglement of sin. And apathy and frustration and hurt and pain.

What is this? I don't even feel like worshiping God. I don't even feel like praying. I don't have that desperation in my soul that longs for more. I'm here. Living. breathing. being. But it's boring. It's the same old mundane life that I've always lived. I can't seem to jump. I can't seem to fly. I can't seem to get off this road. I feel inadequate. Insignificant. I know people can tell me I'm intelligent and significant and unique, but I can't believe that until I hear from my Maker's mouth. I try and try and keep on falling. It's the story of my life. I can't seem to get it right. I can't seem to ever stay consistent.

The Persuasion of Man.

Today has been a really good day. I've had a lot of "just me" time which was nice. I spent about 7 hours in the library and didn't go on Facebook once. I got SO much done. I also did my devotions and ate dinner and now I'm trying to get another paragraph written for one of my many papers. I'm exhausted. But I get to go home and home is always a relaxing time. Tomorrow I have an Ecuador meeting and rest.

This week has been tough. I've messed up and caused people pain, I've traded my integrity for deceit and let pride take over. I've let people persuade me. I've let myself persuade me. I should have listened to God. I should have listened to God and then to my heart. But I didn't.

I'm not going to complain though. I did what was right for me and I learned a lot. That's always good.

I really like where I am in life right now. I feel content, and that's a nice feeling for once. I feel like I'm on top of things and I can do anything. God is moving. It may be at a snail pace, but He's God and he knows the perfect pace. I may grow impatient, but He's moving. I know it.

Adios!

A song so free.

You are my Sunshine.

I am sitting in the library and all around me the sunshine pours in. The glorious golden rays that bring warmth and very good moods might I add.

Today has been beautiful! I've had lots of time to hang out with my friends and even be productive. I have SO much to do and I have no idea how I am going to get it all done. In fact, I'm not so sure it's humanly possible. I really need to stay on top of my homework and life. I seem to lack the motivation I had before spring break.

I know the last two posts mostly consisted of my hearts groanings, but I've since come to a conclusion. And that is, I am content here. I've come to realize Cornerstone is where the Lord wants me. If He wanted me in Zambia, I'd be there now. If I was supposed to be at ONU, I'd be there. You get my point. I suppose what I lacked, I've begun to find all of a sudden. What I yearned for has sprung up from the deep soils of my spirit. I think I always thought the only way to grow is through experiences, but I have figured out that one is just as able to grow through knowledge and depth of insight, as traveling to an exotic country. I am not ready to be sprung out into the world yet. I am okay and actually quite excited to finish school, but until then I want to enjoy my years at CU and learn as much as I can to take with me out into the world. I want to go and not be ignorant. I've come to realize I'm so ignorant. I didn't even know what pot smelled like until three months ago. (sorry--that's a little irrelevant) ;).

I do have growing to do that doesn't include text books and professors. I am looking to grow through leadership roles. That's something I really want to do, get involved in leadership positions and take off! :)

Okay it's time to wrap it up and get some college readin' done. Until next time.

We are the outsiders.

Four more days of Spring Break and then it's back to the daily grind or normality and academia. This week has been hard. I wouldn't even dare to label it as good. It was blah. How is it that you can go from a week of blue skies, sunshine, and joy? To gray skies, a heavy heart, and pain. I just don't know, except to say we are all very much human. I haven't conquered my emotions yet. They all still have a tight reign on my heart. It's just these walls have taken my heart hostage. I don't like it, and yet something holds me back from fighting. I just feel weak. I feel this urge to break free and just run the other way and never look back. I''ve begun to build these walls and it feels like they aren't going to come down ever. It almost seems hopeless. I'm tired of how I live my life. Yes, it's true, some random outsiders probably would deem me as normal and the average twenty year old college student who has pretty good grades and is put together and loves God. That's ridiculous! I'm tired of my frivolous lifestyle. It's so lukewarm and average. It's like my spirit is fighting against flesh. So, who's going to win?

The Groaning of Creation

Today, this afternoon, as I sit in our green chair by the window reading Shane Claiborne's, "Irresistible Revolution" my spirit can't help, but groan. I can feel it. My soul is thirsty for that other world. I can't put my feeling into words. Every time I open up that book I feel it in me. A world that isn't here. A world that is built on community and the love of Christ. It's as if my spirit is crying out, "THIS IS NOT HOW IT"S SUPPOSED TO BE!"

It's not. My world is so wrong. It is so right side up. My spirit longs to be up side down. There is this unexplainable fire in my soul that needs to start living. That needs to start breathing and going. To quit talking for once! I don't need to be some famous speaker or some loud evangelical. I just want to be a world-changer for Jesus. I want to live like Jesus lived. I long to live among the poor and become lower than them. I long to serve them and love them. Not to gain approval of others or show off. It is because my spirit knows this is not "it." I know that the system is distorted and the American Empire of consumerism is messed up. I know and believe that Jesus has this huge heart for the least of these. When and how did we get this way? I just know that another world is in fact possible. I suppose nothing will change until people like you and me get out of our comfort zones and our ridiculous large houses and start being Jesus for once. No change will happen until we denounce the system.

My eyes have become blinded by the wealth and opportunity and privilege. It's time I figure out how to get out of this empire and this system.

You said, "Go."

I have to go. The signs and visions are clearly sewn in the tapestry of my life. For some reason I'm chained to the ground. Why? Why is it that I have felt this call for seven years and I get to this point and I can't walk? What are my intentions? I have these thoughts that are continuously gnawing at me. I have these invisible voices telling me that I can't do it. That I am not equipped. That I would be a complete failure again.

When will I finally stand up out of the mire and mud and run with everything and jump of the cliff of routine and institution and jump and free-fall into the unknown? When I will finally be brave enough to stand up for myself and my faith and say no to normalcy and the like?

I'm sorry Chelsie, but I have to use one of your numerous, brilliant analogies. Yes world, Chelsie is a brilliant writer and she is just brilliant in and of itself.

She uses this amazing analogy of a caged bird and life. She equates life at this moment to a caged bird who just wants to sing and make beautiful music, but instead is chained in the cage to all things average. The bird just wants to get out. It doesn't want to be the normal bird on the normal path: eating, sleeping, and chirping to get out. All in a cage. The bird wants to fly freely and go to far away places where dreams meet destiny. Where hopes meet purpose. Where the little caged birdy is fulfilled.

You possibly could equate that to me. I feel as if the status quo is that of going to school. The days include waking up, spending way to long on your makeup, going to class, eating, sleeping, watching T.V., spending way to long on your homework, and going to bed. While, eating, sleeping, and school may be good for some, I don't think it is where God is calling me.

Only one word echoes itself over and over: Zambia. I have grown up very, very privelaged. Our family has always had money and we've never sought to get food. Everything has always been right at our hands. And, America is great. It is a land of opportunity, education, and knowledge. But there a lot of flaws in the system. See, I can't sit here typing on this computer for four more years. I can't just sit here in this purgatory waiting to go out and change the world. I can't. And, I won't. I'm throwing the system to the ground. This call, this deep call that goes all the way to my core has been radiating through me for seven years. How can I ignore it? In the grand scheme of things, is education going to matter. Like I said, I am very privelaged for some reason. It's time, after twenty years of money and privelage, it is time I step out of my comfort zone and go. What scares me is that this is against everything. I mean both my parents went to college and graduated. They have fancy degrees. In America, its graduate from highschool, go to college, graduate, marriage, have babies, work, play, retire, go to Florida and play golf (which by the way, I learned something last night. I learned that if everyone in America who plays golf would give it up, that would end world hunger.) Dude, golf, or humanity? I can't believe I have to even type that. It's an atrocious reality.

I know that lifestyle is not everyone, but that is just how I personally have perceived American education and life basically to be.

Now the question is, will I have the courage to stand up to opinion and status quo and GO?

I hope I make the right decision.

The Old has Gone & the New has Come.

It's been a while. In fact it is already March. This afternoon I'm heading to Lansing to celebrate my grandmothers 87th birthday. It should be fun. I always love spending time with my family, especially being away at college. It makes you remember what you have.

The last three days have been sunshine and blue skies, literally, and figuratively. It is quite possible that this sudden joy is because spring break is almost here. In 48 hours to be exact. I can't wait. I'm not even going anywhere, but to have five days off to relax and get ahead in school sounds nice right about now. I guess it will also be nice to rejuvenate before two months of challenge and non-stop busyness.

The last month and a half or so has been awesome! Academics are going really well and I'm being challenged. It's been super cool getting assignments back and knowing it was a job well accomplished. This week has also brought with it the need to really manage my time well. I've been doing pretty good. I've worked non-stop since Monday, but took a break today and watched done episode of Gilmore Girls.

And most importantly, God and I. My relationship with Christ is growing. It is becoming just that, a relationship, not a legalistic routine.

Okay I have to go. Until next time.