What is this? I don't even feel like worshiping God. I don't even feel like praying. I don't have that desperation in my soul that longs for more. I'm here. Living. breathing. being. But it's boring. It's the same old mundane life that I've always lived. I can't seem to jump. I can't seem to fly. I can't seem to get off this road. I feel inadequate. Insignificant. I know people can tell me I'm intelligent and significant and unique, but I can't believe that until I hear from my Maker's mouth. I try and try and keep on falling. It's the story of my life. I can't seem to get it right. I can't seem to ever stay consistent.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Inadequacies.
It's really hard being here. In this place. I feel entangled by sin and so very complacent. I can't get out. I feel like I'm drowning in an ocean of thought and striving. Something is wrong. Something is out of place in my heart. There is some stronghold in my life that is stuck. I don't know if it's from me not guarding my heart. I don't know if it's because I'm lying to myself by sticking with the status quo. I don't know if Cornerstone University is for me or not. I don't know for sure what my major is supposed to be. I don't know how to get out of this entanglement of sin. And apathy and frustration and hurt and pain.
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I know you probably don't want me to talk to you, but I feel obligated to respond to this anyway.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, you think too much. Slow down and let God show you what He wants you to do. Often times He doesn't say anything and waits for you to slow down and just listen to His voice. It's not easy, but it IS rewarding. I have found that if I try to chase anything it fails. So instead, I've tried to just let things come to me and let God figure them out. It has worked pretty well so far. In fact, Jesus talks about this in Matthew:
Matthew 6:19-34
I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? "And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labour or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendour was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, "What shall we eat?" or "What shall we drink?" or "What shall we wear?" For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
It is no coincidence that you are at Cornerstone University. God has you here, even if just for a season, for a specific purpose in life. He wants you here to learn things. What those things are, I have no idea, but I'm sure you know what He's trying to teach you. Let me just encourage you to "keep fighting the good fight" and don't give up.
Sometimes we don't feel like doing anything. Anything at all (my most recent blog explains this on my personal level). But the fact of the matter is, what do our feelings matter anyway? Emotions are a violent storm raging in our lives. They almost never bring peace, but instead sorrow and destruction. Emotions cannot be trusted. It's very hard to do, but try throwing emotions out of the mix for a while and look at things objectively. Sure it's ok to be happy and excited for things, but as far as where you are to go in life? Don't trust emotions. Trust God's word and the authority that He has placed over you (parents, Pastors, Youth Leaders, Teachers, etc). Often times He will use people to speak His words to us, even if it's someone we don't feel like listening to. Our parents are great examples of this.
I hope this helps. And I hope you take the time to read it. God bless, and keep your chin up, it'll be alright. Your life is in God's hands, and who else would you rather have protect you than Him?