Life has been interesting as of late. It's been different. God is taking me somewhere. Some moments it feels like the desert. I feel dry and dark and hardened. Some moments are painful and frustrating.

But some are joyful and exciting and speak of freedom.

The last few weeks have been super difficult on a number of levels. To be specific, yesterday was plain hard. It was simply overwhelming. But, for the first time I felt like there was joy in the suffering.

Lately God and I have been wrestling. Over a guy. Nothing new. God's like "Lauren, let go." I'm like, "God I can't." Yes. So on and so forth.

And today I've settled it in my heart to let go.

I try, try is the key word here, to let go. I really do. Does it work? Never.

Okay, fast forward to tonight. I was bitter. That's the word. Bitter. angry. hurt. frustrated. raging on the inside.

A few days ago I listened to Derek's message on forgiveness.

Tonight I went to Crossroads and worshiped with their college students. So freeing. We worshiped and then we studied 1 John 4:7-21 together. SO GOOD.

Everything was completely what I needed to hear. You can go look it up. I'm not going to rehash every single part of it. But, one thing God really spoke to me tonight was about forgiveness and loving and letting go.

For forever literally I've tried letting go of things. Dude. Okay, I'm still carrying a lot of the crap I was years ago. It's ridiculous. Tonight God is like, "Lauren you can't let go, because you don't trust me. Because you are trying in your flesh. You flesh is sinful and evil and dark. I am light and freedom and love and so much more. Your flesh is sinful. I am Love. Love is the opposite of sin. Love is the opposite of hate and rage and bitterness and all that. You can't forgive and let go and love because you are operating in your fleshlyness. Trust me. Ask ME to love through you. Abide in me and I will abide in you. You must operate in my Spirit. I know you can't love by your own strength and wisdom. Only through me."

Okay, it's really really really easy to love some people. Love naturally overflows out of the wellsprings of my heart for some people. Then, well there are honestly others who I don't love. I avoid them mostly. I can't love those people in my own strength. And for the last 9ish months I've tried. I've prayed, "Jesus, help me love this person and that person."

Instead it needs to be "Jesus I am sinful, and broken. I am not capable of loving naturally. Please be my strength. Please love through me. Love in me. Be in me. Abide in me. Because I can't. I am not strong enough."

Jesus has overcome the grave. He has overcome. He has overcome sin. He has overcome shame and guilt and that other sucky stuff. He has overcome my pride. He has overcome my shame. My guilt. All the mistakes of yesterday. All of them today. All of them tomorrow and forever and forever.

WOW! His mercies are NEW EVERY SINGLE MORNING!

Back to 1 John. God is love. He is love. I feel like that should make me fall to my news every time I get out of bed in the morning. I feel like it should make me love others. I feel like it would happen naturally. I don't think I let the Word of God sink in and move me. I don't tremble at it.

I want to be so consumed with the Love of Jesus.

This means I can't go around saying "I love chocolate" or "I love Grand Rapids." If God is love and love is God then when I say those things such as "I love tacos" I'm rejecting God.

I think that might be all. I really want Jesus to consume my every desire. I really want to meet with him forever and love on Him.

Also, I've been really filled with joy and love tonight and happiness and laughter. It's a nice change. There really is joy in the sadness and heartache and letting go.

So Jesus take my desires. They aren't mine. They are yours. May my desires be your desires. May I chose love always. No matter what. May I always abhor what is evil and hold fast to what is good and right and true and pure. May I cling to you in the times when life gets wavy and stormy and dark. I always want to follow you Jesus. Put within in me a hunger and desire to love you Father. I love you through my love for others. That's the only way people see Christ. Manifested in me. In my actions and words and thoughts even...okay people don't know those, but you do. May your name be magnified through you. May this move me to action Jesus.

In Christ alone. In His holy name.

That's all.

God has been ever so faithful. And He will continue to be. For the thousandth time this week has been the roughest, most painful week I've walked through in a while. In fact I feel as though God maybe preparing me to walk into the "wilderness" this summer. It's like all this anxiety has come upon me.

Last night was just terrible, and tonight I was so filled and so blown away by Christ and deep thoughts and Colassians and then all of a sudden an attack. I forget that the devil is on the prowl. But it was so good. I pretty much thought I was going to run out of gas and I didn't. I got three pieces of cheesecake, which is an extra blessing. I was like "God I need to hear "Our God" on the radio." And of course, it came on right away. That happened yesterday too. Tonight God provided someone to intercede for me. Tonight God met me. Tonight God filled me with peace. Tonight God provided strength to get homework done. Tonight God is helping me look forward.

They are tiny things, yes.

Last summer I sat in Lincoln Park on Bridge St. with Delaney and we were talking. We were talking about what it would be like to live in faith. Like complete faith. I think that's when I began praying and telling the Lord I wanted to live in faith. God has seen the desires of my heart and the hunger there.

And so, for some reason, God heard that cry of my heart and he heard the prayer in the park that summer day.

He also answered it. I mean I was at Panera for five weeks and then quit. I have barely had any money. There are so many things God has taken out of my life.

See, I'm living by faith. Everyday is new. I am continually praying "Jesus, give me today my daily bread. Let your will be done."

It's a beautiful place to be in. Dependence on God. Because the world fails me. People fail me. My parents fail. I fail myself. I find myself continually going to the Lord for everything. I'm at a point where I am holding nothing back. It's a journey of surrender.

And tonight God blessed me with rest. I was planning on going home, but have no gas to get home, so I came back to CU. It's nice. It's quiet. I talked to God and wrote a mini outline. Now it's bed time. It's so peaceful in here. No roommate. No chaos. No people. Just the Lord and I.

God is faithful. Always, forever.

Tomorrow I'm going to wake up and shower and pack some things. Spend time with Jesus. Write my theology paper. Good Friday service probably at noon. Home.

That's all.

HOPE

Right now my heart hurts. The only thing I can think to do in the moment is pray and worship and write.

This morning was Derek and Dylan's funeral. It broke me. It made me feel things inside that I didn't even think existed.

I really don't even know what to write, except the same thing I wrote a few days ago.

Derek's life is causing people all over to stop and evaluate their lives and how they are living. He is causing people to run hard and fast. To run this race, focusing our ever wandering eyes on the face of Jesus.

Like, this changes absolutely everything.

I can't just go to youth group tonight the same. I can't just go pour myself out on those teens half heartedly. I want to go fast and hard. Because life is short.

About a month ago I was at Starbucks with a friend and we walk in. Towards the back there are a few people from Crossroads and one of them is Derek.

I was thinking that Derek didn't know he was going to die about a month later. Yet he still ran the race faster and harder and faster and harder.

I don't know when I am going to die. You don't know when you are going to die. Doesn't it make sense to throw our lives into Christ who is the HOPE of the world?

It make perfect sense. This last week or so I have realized how fragile life is. I have realized how broken I am. How in need of Grace I am.

From what I have heard, Derek's message was "repent for the kingdom of heaven is near. Repent and turn away from your sin."

I have realized the fullness of Christ. In Him is LIFE. In HIM there is LIGHT. He is the light. He is life. In Christ there is no death. There is no darkness. He is holy and sovereign and good and true and pure and right.

Be lifted higher Jesus. Be lifted higher.

You are stronger. You are stronger. Sin is broken. You have saved me. It is written. Christ is risen. Jesus you are Lord of all. So let Your name be lifted higher and higher and higher. No matter what. As I become lower and lower and lower. As I die to my sinful self.

God no matter what You are the Hope in this dark time.

I saw the hope. It's been so sad and gloomy and cloudy and depressing the past week. The sun hasn't come out and I haven't even see the sky. But I looked outside and for the briefest moment I saw blue sky peak out.

Darkness may last for the night, but JOY comes in the morning.

Our God is greater, Our God is stronger. God you are higher than any other. Our God is healer. Awesome in power. Our God. So if our God is for us. Then who could ever stop us. And if our God is with us, then what can stand against?

But this I call to mind and therefore I have hope. Great is His faithfulness. His mercies are new every morning.

Those who HOPE in the Lord will never ever be put to shame.

You are my strength when I am weak. You are the treasure that I seek.

Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord. You are the everlasting God. You do not faint, you won't grow weary. Our God you reign forever. Our HOPE our strong deliverer.

No matter what, I am determined to run fast and hard. To forsake the things of this world for the GLORY and HOPE of what is to come. Because Jesus loves me enough to die a sinner's death upon a cross. For Derek.

The Lord Gives and He takes away. May the Name of the Lord be Praised.

This weekend has been excruciatingly painful and joyful. On Thursday night a youth pastor at Crossroads Bible Church died in a house fire along with his six month old son Dylan. I have never met Derek, and if I have I am sure that I would remember him. I do however; have many friends that knew him and their lives were heavily impacted by this man of God.

My heart mourns as if I did know him though. And even though I didn't know him personally and I have never talked to him, his life will have a lasting impact on me.

It has been one of the most amazing weekends. On Friday I worshiped with lots of people from Crossroads down at BSHOP and it was amazing! There aren't words to to describe it. And, the Gathering Grand Rapids last night was amazing. Then this morning I went to Crossroads and it was the most amazing service I have ever been apart of. Today my heart mourns for the lives that were lost, but I rejoice, because I know Derek longed to be with Jesus. I can imagine his first Sunday in heaven was amazing! I get chills!

Hearing Rod Vansolkema talk about him this morning and hearing others talk about him, it sounds like he went and pressed on in life. He pressed on towards the goal. He had this eternal perspective and ran a hard, beautiful race.

That brings me to something else on my heart. I long to live my life purely for Christ and Him alone. I long to go after Jesus with every I've got. No matter what. I long to have an eternal perspective. So often I get hooked on the these stupid worldly matters that are only making my race slower. It's like this "thing" is not worth complaining about. This person is not worth fighting with because we only have so long. In a minute we will be home with Christ and I don't know about all of you, but I want to hear Jesus say "well done, good and faithful servant. Welcome home."

This is not my home. I do not belong to this world. I belong to Jesus. Nothing else in life brings as much joy, satisfaction, and love. And nothing ever ever ever will.

I want to live my life in such a way that exemplifies Christ.

This changes everything.

How I use my time. How I worship. How I pray. How I love. How I live. What I say. Who I hang out with even.

So today my heart is heavy, but I rejoice in the Hope of the World. In Jesus. This whole situation makes me even more excited to be with Jesus. My heart groans for His return.

"The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord."

I am utterly confused. About life. And maybe it's because I hear so many different people's opinions about everything. Life, love, relationships, election, Jesus, prosperity gospel, structure in churches, no structure in churches, the "right" way to worship", the "wrong" way to worship, how to spend my time, how to pray, how to read the Bible, how to study the Bible, nuclear energy, politics, mega churches, house churches, small groups, no small groups, community, what kind of community, what is the closest thing to the early church, how would Jesus live, how are you intimate with Jesus, what does that look like, what to read while doing devotions, blah blah blah blah blah.

I am seriously incredibly tired of talking talking talking about fixing the world. What we need is a love revolution? Does talking about every little thing actually help at all?

No.

So I had this epiphany in the shower. I do a lot of thinking there if you must know. It was more like divine revelation actually. Jesus was like" stop listening to the opinions of man and come find out for yourself by reading my Word. By seeking MY heart and MY purpose for your life."

That's what I need to do.

Ya know? I doubt God sometimes. I ALWAYS seem to hang out, but even then I'm like God where the heck are you. And HE ALWAYS IS SO FREAKIN" FAITHFUL AND TRUE AND RIGHT!

He always speaks guys. He always meets me where I am at. Like He sees the movements of my heart and He sees my desires.

This stuff has been on my heart a lot lately. Sometimes...no a lot of times...I make life so super complex. I just need to go to the Word. I'm am like going to puke maybe from talking about this for the thousandth time. It's always been a struggle. I want faith to come easy.

Alot of times I think I need to pack my bags and go to Africa where there aren't any distractions. Where I can love God and love people with ALL of me. Right? I think that is such a lie.

First, I have to finish school and second, I have ten freaking dollars. That will get me...well hardly anywhere these days. God has placed me here and I won't give into the lie that I can't make an impact and I can't do anything until I graduate. I am so sick and so tired of those lies. I seriously could scream right now.

Tonight, right now, I have a great peace. I'm so glad I'm in Grand Rapids. Tonight I feel called here. It's right. It's good. God has moved so much this week. I can't even begin to describe it. If you want to know, ask me personally. I'll be glad to tell you!

I think that's all. Nighty night.

Nothing Stops God from Meeting With You

I thought I should update. Actually, I feel like updating and spitting out some random thoughts.

First, it's late. It pretty much is way past my bed time. It's been a problem getting to bed lately. It throws me off. By the grace of God I have enough strength to make it through.

Life has been not so normal, but normal all the same. Every day is something new. God is on the move and I love it. Even the hard things. OH MY OH MY!!!! He blows me away. Even in the suffering and hard sucky times. Like the overwhelmation (not a word, I get it, but I can't think of another one...) of homework that doesn't consume my life. That's a problem, I feel as if it should. It just doesn't. And I'm okay with that. My dorm room is sucky. The spiritual darkness of this city is sucky...

This brings me to my next point. God is moving tanigably and it's amazing to be a part of. God astounds me. I've really found a solid group of girls who live in East town and they are are fire so passionate about the Father and I love it and I LOVE THEM. They are so life giving and you walk into their home and you are instantly at peace. Beautiful. And tonight we met and God moved. He moved big time. God is doing stuff in Grand Rapids. He is healing people. He is bring people to spiritual freedom. He is restoring brokeness. He is shining His light in the dark places of this city. He is pouring a refreshing shower of his Spirit on us. It's wonderful. It's beautiful. And the Gathering is on Saturday and I'm pumped and Friday night is BSHOP worship! WOOO!!!! And small groups Thursday! God is on the move!

I have a lot to learn actually. Like a lot. Every day God does that thing where He blows my mind and is like "no Lauren, you do not know as much as you think you do." I have so much to learn. I love it though.

Basically my deepest desire right now is to Love Jesus with EVERYTHING!!!! And love on others and be life giving. Grand Rapids needs a love revolution...no a Jesus Revolution!!!! Some friends and I were discussing Cornerstone and I'm like we need a wake up. We need revival. And my friend Chris looks at me and goes "You are revival." I'm not getting into a whole debate on this. Haha. God brings the revival, but we have to be faithful too! We are called to love Christ first above anything else and then others. When we love Jesus people see that. When we are intimate with Christ he grows our fruit and we can't help but love on others! Christ transforms us. As we spend time really digging into the Word of God and spending time on our knees we come face to face with the King of Kings. WHOA! Hey now! WAY AWESOME!

That's all for tonight.

I'm doing really well. In fact SUPER well. God is moving. Like, for weeks I've been praying that God would bring a group of strong, fervent, godly woman into my life...

AND HE SO DID! That's another story though. Best part is, it's not at Cornerstone.

That brings me to my next point.

Cornerstone.

I love my classes here. I do. Maybe not right now because of all the homework and the whole spring fever thing. Basically it feels like it'll be school forever and ever until my dying day.

So anyways, I love Cornerstone. I love the people and the staff and faculty. BUT it's getting small. For some reason I need to be released from this place. And that's just what I have been praying. I've been asking God if there is anyway I can not live on campus next year. Guys, I just need something deeper. That's how I roll. I need that in my life or else I lose it. Which is precisely what is happening now. I love for that community of steadfastness. I'm going insane.

So we pray into this one. And pray some more. Let God's will be done, no?

I'm tempted to blow this Popsicle stand and drive as far south as I can on $20 of gas. Seriously. If I had a nice camera it would be fun to take pictures downtown, but alas I have a project due tomorrow.

Something is so missing in my life. What is it Lord? Where do I need to be?

Saturday I go on a silent retreat. I. Can't. Wait. Really. I can't. Lots of good prayer time and journaling time and reading time. Maybe by God's loving mercy it will be sunny with a high of 60? That would wonderful. The hermitage is in a field and the field has beg tall trees and deer and barns. Red barns I think.

That's all. Have a lovely day friends.

Hello. I have a few minutes before an appointments so I wanted to write. It's therapeutic, no?

The last few days, no, the last year has been diff. i. cult. For almost 21 years I've aimed for joyful consistency...has that ever actually happened?

Heck no.

It's like this. You get to a good spot and then a hard crappy time hits. That's about my life. For me it's huge life changing decisions. Decisions I don't even feel capable of making on my own. Plus life is insane! I feel so lost and so confused and all over the place.

Jesus is my resting place. This morning instead of getting to my homework and all that jazz, I went to class, chapel and then went to my dorm and spent time with the Lord. And then had some good quality time with a friend. That was happy.

Anyways I should get on the homework. Oh my...

That's all.