Here's a quick update on my life before I begin my book that is due on Friday. (Oh procrastination...).

This last weekend was SO freeing in a sense. I still have things to work through, but progress has been made and God continues to refine me. I won't give every detail, but a few that stick out.

- Last Friday I ventured home after a long, depressing, tough week. I spent a wonderful afternoon alongside my mom, baking and spilling my heart out to her. It was so good. We spent a great amount of time rehashing the really good things that were going on in my life and the lives of friends and family.

-I went to Kava House and listened to some of the webstream for IHOP. I really believe it was from God, because what happened Friday night was completely awesome! After Kava House I was like, "it may be possible that God has something for me tonight through IHOP." God did. I went home and cleaned and listened to it. The first hour or so they were doing healings and really praying for the Spirit to intercede on behalf of people and their physical downfalls...if that's the right phrase. And, so there I am cleaning away when all of a sudden I hear them praying about the whole issue of identity in Christ and they start praying that the confusion would stop. At that moment I felt SOOOOO free. Like I actually was accepted and loved by Christ. I felt free from my past, from guys, from my present circumstances. It was glorious! I prayed and was on my knees and worshiped our God. He is SOO good and worthy to be praised!

-Church Sunday morning was awesome! I experienced God and a renewal of my heart.

-Evensong. So good! A man from India came. And he and his wife shared their story of how they got to where they are. This is weird, but they talked a little about how they had met and their marriage and it was encouraging. I really felt the presence of God around me. He was like, "Lauren stop worrying. I've got this. I know the desires of your heart. I will be attentive to them."

-This week has not been dramatic and nothing obscure happened, but I've kept running this race. I've kept going. God is moving and it's beautiful. Not just in my life either, but in my friends and families lives. I love it! I love it so much! I've messed up plenty, but God is our Redeemer. He redeems. He brings the beauty from pain. He sews color into the tapestry of our lives.

Boy oh boy! I'm growing for once, and there is this amazing steadiness to it. I can't imagine where I'll be and who I'll be ten years from now.

Today my heart is struggling to be hopeful. The lies are invading my heart and I feel weak. Days like today, I just wonder how I'll get through this.

Praise God, He has opened doors to get help and to seek true freedom. Now, it's a matter of obedience. I despise this feeling. It's the enemy stealing my joy. I know it. I'm getting tired of fighting. A lesson in perseverance is what it is.

"Consider it pure joy my brothers (and sisters) when you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance." (James 1)

I feel as if I'm fighting numerous battles. Last night I woke up so many times because I worried. There is so much to worry about. Finances being one of them. Yet, the Word says that faith as small as a mustard seed can move mountains.

My faith is about that size, so I choose to ultimately trust the Lord for His provision. He knows my needs. Not just what I yearn for, but what I need.

All GLORY, HONOR, and POWER goes to God.

Whom the Son sets FREE is FREE indeed!

Oh, the journey of one's heart! What an exciting one at that, though painful. I have come to the conclusion that I can't do this on my own. And, I don't think I was meant too. I want to be free. Like completely, genuinely FREEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I do not need this bondage, and I don't think God wills it that way!

I'm tired of this. I want to be all in or all out. I choose all in. Whatever it takes! This bondage is hindering me from a lot and it just needs to die and fall away. The chains need to be broken once and for all. I just can't live this way.

On a better note...I found this tree by the pond and it's SO serene! I love it. I feel so captivated by God. I've been doing my devotions lately under it and it's relaxing!

God always provides. He is always faithful. His mercies are new everyone morning. All praise and glory and honor goes to HIM.

God is good all the time...all the time He is good. He's been so so so so so good to me.

AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HE IS SO GOOD. I can't help but praise Him!

That's all for now.

Till next time...

I have written a lot this year already. I need too. It's healthy for me to get it all out.

It goes like this. It's not him. It really isn't. It's a plethora of the past. It's a whole lot of crap coming to the surface and culminating. Years and years of striving after guy after guy after guy has failed. The last five months God has brought guys into my life and taken guys out. I try and run back to them, and lately God hasn't been letting me get away with it. He's been pulling me back to Him. Into his arms. Into His perfectly capable arms. All these years. God is so faithful.

How can God watch me walk away from Him? Just like that? And still love me? How can God take it? This is insane!

For once in my life I want to be free. I long to be free from the belief that I am affirmed by a guy. I DO NOT need a guy. That is a lie from the pits of Hell. Straight from the enemy! I want to walk, I long to walk in the freedom that Christ has given me.

God is doing amazing things and moving in amazing ways and I don't want to lose focus. It's a battle. There are so many things vying for my attention. Oh my gosh is it ever hard.

Not even with the issues of life. Following Jesus is hard in and of itself. I mean, by human nature, we are all selfish. It's hard loving people and loving our enemies. As a good friend reminded me, "Love is gritty." It rubs up and comes in contact with life and it hurts sometimes to love.

It's a lot easier to sit here and be in my own world and do my own thing. It's a lot harder to go and meet someone's need.

Until next time...

Back to the Swing of Things.

I hate it! I hate how I always go back to the old.

It's like this. I get up. I am standing. I am walking. I am focused. And then I fall back. The tears come. The anger boils. The frustration plagues me. And I become lost. I become stuck.

I can't move. I want to run from this place. I want to be done. I wish this summer never would have happened. I wish it could disappear and I could move on! I am sick of this place I'm in. I'm sick of running and tripping and running and tripping and running and tripping. I just want to be done.

I am not okay. I am falling a part. Maybe this emptiness or longing is for God?

I long to find satisfaction in the love of Christ. The world keeps failing me. People keep letting me down. It's not worth it. Why do I keep turning away from Grace? Why?

God's love is astounding. His perfect peace finds me in my desperation and I am made whole. I love those times when you can feel the presence of God surrounding you. It's so thick and tangible. I don't think words can fully describe this divine, holy, beautiful experience.

I am letting go.

letting go.

letting go.

letting go.

I. AM. LETTING.GO.

I am sick and tired of carrying this and worrying about it. I'm tired of being angry. I am tired of being so concerned with him. I'm tired. I want to run away from this place. But I can't.

Suffer well.

The Crazy Busy Life of a Twenty Year Old.

Life is a battlefield. It's a constant war. The last few days I've felt really attacked and that's tough. It's hard fighting all the time. It's like, sometimes I want to lay it down and give up. And it's hard because I have all these weird feelings in my heart and it's like resistance or doubt or anxiety. I want it to leave. I want to be free, except, then life wouldn't be a war everyday. It would be easy to get out of bed in the morning. It'd be easy to get things done. It would be easy to look the person who you despise the most and love them.

Except life isn't like that, and it will never be...ever. And, if life were a breeze and you had that peace all the time how would one ever grow? How would anyone ever move forward? I DO NOT want to be in the same place tomorrow as I am right now. I want to be holy as He is holy. I want to be molded and refined into the likeness of Christ Jesus. If I have to go through these uncertain, painful days, than so be it. If I have to struggle through my pride, selfishness, sin, lust, faithlessness, and if I have to keep praying through the same strongholds...then I will.

Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance: perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.” – Romans 5:1-5 (NIV)

This is the point where I remind myself that fifty years of suffering is nothing compared to eternal glory.

God is faithful. Even in these moments where I feel so weighed down in my sin and shame. God. Is.Faithful.

Period.

I had other thoughts, but I'm so exhausted. That is all for tonight.

It is for Freedom.

This week has been SO productive and beautiful. It has been a week of healing, surrender, and peace. My heart has felt pain in places I didn't know were there. I have cried many tears. It has been a week of learning, immense growth, and God. This week has been one of the BEST and one of the HARDEST...in a good way though!

The thing I continually have to work on is that of FOCUS. I've never been one to focus. Growing up I succeeded at running around on the playground. Playing tag in gym class, multi-tasking. I didn't do so well in the context of a class room. I've never been one for focus. It's hard. It's almost as if you have to want and desire something so much, and that in itself helps you focus. That to say, I have to keep going back to the Lord. He is my stronghold, my support, my peace, my strength. My eyes have wandered off and when they do God gently brings them back to focus on His face. His glorious face!

Letting go is hard. That's nothing new. I've stated this concept before. Surrender is not easy. My human nature thinks hanging on to money and worrying over what I look like and what guy likes me and everything else that vies for my attention...my humanness believes hanging onto things and people is what will save me. It's been a battle against flesh and spirit. I'm learning to let go of things in my life that are unhealthy. God has brought to the surface mindsets and assumptions that are deceiving. This refining process hurts, but it is SO spectacularly beautiful! This is only the beginning! God's love never ends. God never ends. I'm SOOOOO excited to see how God continues moving in me.

"Draw near to God and He will draw near to you."

It's true. It's real. It's genuine.

The author of James wrote this as a statement. An unwavering statement. When we seek the Lord and draw near to Him, He draws near to us. It's beautiful!!!!!!!!!!! I have never felt the presence of God as much as I have this week. In the painful moments and joyful ones!

Don't think I'm there yet. Never will be until the glorious day we are united with Christ. This is a tiny fraction of how God is working and moving in my heart. This is a tiny part of the journey I'm on.

God has not just been evident in that aspect of life, but also in the area of academics. I LOVE MY CLASSES. All of them! They are SO interesting and that's all I'm going to say.

Anyways, God is on the move. I'm excited to see what He is going to do in my life tomorrow.

Until next time...

The Breaking of a Heart.

I think God sometimes has to break our hearts in order to soften them. In order for the idols to fall down. It hurts. My heart is broken. I don't like this feeling of sadness that overwhelms my soul to the point of tears. I don't particularly like the darkness that is encamped around me. I don't know what is going to happen. Everything is uncertain and that scares me to death.

Yet, this brokenness, darkness, sadness, even anger leads me to the cross. And ultimately it leads to God. So, its worth it. I'll tell you right now that I can't walk through these days if I am not walking in the strength of my savior. I am so weak. I have no strength.

It's a comfort knowing that God is a big God. He is our Rock. He is unshakable. So, when it feels like everything is falling a part, it isn't! Praise God. God is unfathomably big and glorious and here we are, mere humans who fail and make major mistakes and create disasters, and are selfish. Here I am a weak person, crying in the laundry room. I screwed up a relationship. I've been selfish. I've made people feel bad. I've sinned. I've fallen and somehow God sees me as beautiful. Somehow God calls me Beloved. He is jealous for me. He yearns for relationship with me. When I feel alone and rejected, God is there. God is here.

Despite the intense amount of pain and anguish I have never the felt the presence of God so near. That gives me hope. Sort of. Quite honestly I feel a mess. I hate feeling this way. I hate conflict. I like life simple, but the world is so complex.

I need to go through this. I'm going to let myself cry and go through all the emotions. I want to be taken deeper. If this is what it takes, no matter how painful, then so be it.

war.

I am going to vomit everything up. Not literally of course. That's gross. There are so many thoughts running through my mind. So many worries and fears and uncertainties. These things are warring for the attention of the Father. They are vieing for my focus.

I yearn to cry. I wish I could cry all of what I'm feeling out of me. I feel broken. I feel burdened. I feel weak. I'm not where I want to be. I wish I could focus on the positives. I need to weep. I need to go before the Lord.

When everything if falling apart...

This refining process hurts. Oh my goodness. It hurts. But it's so good. It's funny though. Even though my heart feels broken, God is here. When my mind gets off track and I start worrying that's when things go bad. When the focus is there, there is the this great sense of peace. God's like, "Yeah, I've got this. I'm here. In this place. In this season of life that seems unbearable. I am here. I call you my beloved. I see you as righteous and pure."

"If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God."

Colossians 3:1-3

"But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ."

Philippians 3:7-8

I continue to strive for the mindset that I am on a journey and this is a season of letting go. It's a season of stopping the cycle that has gone on for years. I have a feeling that this season in life will be one of great challenge. Great loss. Great LOVE. Growth. suffering. joy. pain. faith. lessons to be learned and so much more.

I'm on a journey of a reconstruction of my heart. I'm on a journey of freedom. I'm on a journey of falling in Love. I'm on a journey of finding who I am. I'm on a discovery of where I'm being led. Something in me is so filled with deep sadness. My flesh longs for intimacy, yet the spirit is gently whispering, "this is the way, walk in it."

I'm reminded of Elisabeth Eliott. She fell in love while in college and God brought her on a journey of a lifetime. One slightly similar to mine. She had to let go. She struggled every day to live a life of complete surrender. Even though that process was painful, I'm sure if she was here now, she would joyfully proclaim that God was there every step and through those long, intense days of wondering, God met her and filled those voids that longed for the intimacy of a man. Or the void of finding out where she was supposed to take her leadership and ministry.

Today I was reminded of a realization I had come to last semester. I remember realizing that God and his word were LIFE. They fed those empty parts of my soul and heart. Just as the physical body needs food and water, so does our soul. Really, the Word of God is LIFE to every aspect of us, not just spiritual or emotional. I think I've starved my soul. It's SO insanely hungry. It longs for the LIFE giving water to wash over it. It longs to breathe in God.

It's like every day is a battle. A battle against flesh and spirit. Every day is the battle of choosing life or death. It's choosing to spend time in the word and prayer rather than online with the guy you are attracted too. It's choosing to serve those that you judge. It's choosing to stop and talk and listen to your roommate. It's choosing to come alongside someone. It's choosing to focus your attention and heart on the Maker.

I want to come to this place of contentedness. And this place of striving. My life is pointless if it's not lived for Christ.

That's enough for now. I am very excited to see where God takes me this year. I grew so much last year and it only can get better from here on out.

All the praise, honor, glory and power go to You oh Lord.

Through Fire.

The last couple weeks are not what I thought they would be. I thought they would be filled with God. But no, I got distracted instead. I chose to put myself and my expectations and relationships first. They took top priority over God.

Tonight I had to be set free from those distractions.

So God, I thank you for where you have brought me tonight. I praise you for Your grace. I feel surrounded by it. God, I'm sorry for this place I'm in. Forgive me for my lack of dependence on You. Forgive me for thinking I can take things into my own hands Jesus.

Jesus take me to that place of utter dependence and satisfaction on You alone. Everything else is meaningless. Jesus I can't come to that spot by myself. I am weak, and You are strong. God I say that I'm scared that I'll wake up tomorrow and that fear will overtake me. I don't want to be dependent or needy. I want to run after you God.

God I choose to run after You. I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm in this unfamiliar place, so Jesus take me and refine me. If he needs to go then close that door. Lord guide us.

No. God I don't need him. I need you. It's like in Hebrews. "Let us throw off everything that hinders us, all the sin that so easily entangles us."

God guard my heart against the cares of this world.

Jesus I praise you for Your grace. I praise you that even in this time of confusion and chaos and pain and heartache that You are here.

There is freedom in surrender.

I praise you for your unfailing love. Your compassionate heart. Thank you for calling me Beloved. Thank You JESUS! I will praise you even though I can't see.

In a few short hours I am going to wake up and God I'm scared. Lord I'm reminded that "What matters to me; matters to God." So, "Cast all of your cares upon Him, because He cares for you."

God you care for me, and Lord I want to fall in love with you completely. Teach me Your ways oh Lord, so I may walk in Your truth. So that I may find freedom. I'm tired of always putting up those walls. God storm the walls of my heart.

"The enemy has been defeated. Death couldn't hold You down. I'm going to lift my voice in victory."

Jesus sweep me away. Take me deeper Jesus.

deeper

deeper

deeper

God I lay before you Alex. All the feelings, all the emotions, worries, fears, thoughts. I lay it before your throne. I lay my friendships down. I lay school down. My Terra Firma group. My priorities. My mind. My heart. My body. My actions. ALL of me. Every facet, every utterance. I give it to you Jesus.

I am not my own. I was bought at a price. Nothing else matters. Just You and me.

If God is the blazing center of the solar system of our lives, then all the planets will be held in their proper orbit. But if not, everything goes awry."- John Piper

God may I walk in Your spirit. I feel so extremely all over the place. Not even those thoughts but bring me to that place of complete and utter dependence. Break me God. Bring me to that place of redemption. Of brokeness. Of solace. Of hope. Of joy. Of love. Of grace. Of peace. Of authenticity. Of truth. Of self-control.

Change my thinking. My thoughts. My mindset. My hearts longings. Refocus God. Humble me. Be my rock. Be my joy. God give me strength to say no to those longings of the flesh.

Oh God. You are SO SO SO good. You bring me back. You bring me back to that realization and knowing that I need you. God may my motives be pure. And if they aren't change them Holy Spirit. Father I am nothing. My life is meaningless if you aren't the center of my universe.

Take me deeper.

Take me deeper.

Refine me. Mold me. Change me. Renew me. Take me. Hold me. Love me.

Even though it's painful. May I hold nothing back or for myself.
THANK YOU JESUS. ALL PRAISE AND GLORY AND HONOR AND POWER BELONG TO YOU OH JESUS.

May it be so.

May Your will be done.

Amen.