The Breaking of a Heart.

I think God sometimes has to break our hearts in order to soften them. In order for the idols to fall down. It hurts. My heart is broken. I don't like this feeling of sadness that overwhelms my soul to the point of tears. I don't particularly like the darkness that is encamped around me. I don't know what is going to happen. Everything is uncertain and that scares me to death.

Yet, this brokenness, darkness, sadness, even anger leads me to the cross. And ultimately it leads to God. So, its worth it. I'll tell you right now that I can't walk through these days if I am not walking in the strength of my savior. I am so weak. I have no strength.

It's a comfort knowing that God is a big God. He is our Rock. He is unshakable. So, when it feels like everything is falling a part, it isn't! Praise God. God is unfathomably big and glorious and here we are, mere humans who fail and make major mistakes and create disasters, and are selfish. Here I am a weak person, crying in the laundry room. I screwed up a relationship. I've been selfish. I've made people feel bad. I've sinned. I've fallen and somehow God sees me as beautiful. Somehow God calls me Beloved. He is jealous for me. He yearns for relationship with me. When I feel alone and rejected, God is there. God is here.

Despite the intense amount of pain and anguish I have never the felt the presence of God so near. That gives me hope. Sort of. Quite honestly I feel a mess. I hate feeling this way. I hate conflict. I like life simple, but the world is so complex.

I need to go through this. I'm going to let myself cry and go through all the emotions. I want to be taken deeper. If this is what it takes, no matter how painful, then so be it.