I yearn to cry. I wish I could cry all of what I'm feeling out of me. I feel broken. I feel burdened. I feel weak. I'm not where I want to be. I wish I could focus on the positives. I need to weep. I need to go before the Lord.
When everything if falling apart...
This refining process hurts. Oh my goodness. It hurts. But it's so good. It's funny though. Even though my heart feels broken, God is here. When my mind gets off track and I start worrying that's when things go bad. When the focus is there, there is the this great sense of peace. God's like, "Yeah, I've got this. I'm here. In this place. In this season of life that seems unbearable. I am here. I call you my beloved. I see you as righteous and pure."
"If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God."
Colossians 3:1-3
"But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ."
Philippians 3:7-8
I continue to strive for the mindset that I am on a journey and this is a season of letting go. It's a season of stopping the cycle that has gone on for years. I have a feeling that this season in life will be one of great challenge. Great loss. Great LOVE. Growth. suffering. joy. pain. faith. lessons to be learned and so much more.
I'm on a journey of a reconstruction of my heart. I'm on a journey of freedom. I'm on a journey of falling in Love. I'm on a journey of finding who I am. I'm on a discovery of where I'm being led. Something in me is so filled with deep sadness. My flesh longs for intimacy, yet the spirit is gently whispering, "this is the way, walk in it."
I'm reminded of Elisabeth Eliott. She fell in love while in college and God brought her on a journey of a lifetime. One slightly similar to mine. She had to let go. She struggled every day to live a life of complete surrender. Even though that process was painful, I'm sure if she was here now, she would joyfully proclaim that God was there every step and through those long, intense days of wondering, God met her and filled those voids that longed for the intimacy of a man. Or the void of finding out where she was supposed to take her leadership and ministry.
Today I was reminded of a realization I had come to last semester. I remember realizing that God and his word were LIFE. They fed those empty parts of my soul and heart. Just as the physical body needs food and water, so does our soul. Really, the Word of God is LIFE to every aspect of us, not just spiritual or emotional. I think I've starved my soul. It's SO insanely hungry. It longs for the LIFE giving water to wash over it. It longs to breathe in God.
It's like every day is a battle. A battle against flesh and spirit. Every day is the battle of choosing life or death. It's choosing to spend time in the word and prayer rather than online with the guy you are attracted too. It's choosing to serve those that you judge. It's choosing to stop and talk and listen to your roommate. It's choosing to come alongside someone. It's choosing to focus your attention and heart on the Maker.
I want to come to this place of contentedness. And this place of striving. My life is pointless if it's not lived for Christ.
That's enough for now. I am very excited to see where God takes me this year. I grew so much last year and it only can get better from here on out.
All the praise, honor, glory and power go to You oh Lord.
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