I think I'm on this wilderness journey. I feel like the Israelites on their way to the Promised Land.

I'm wandering and I have no idea where I'm going or what I'm doing. It seems like every time I try and take something into my own hands God gently sits me back down and reminds me that He is in fact in control.

Okay, God, let your will be done.

I'm okay with this, except it's a struggle. Grown ups (i.e. parents) expect their college aged children to get jobs during the summer thus making enough money to provide for needs in the up coming school year.

Finding a job didn't go as planned. But I need to be on this refining journey of the heart. Because my heart tends to go every which way. I need to learn to filter. I need to learn to let go. Whatever that looks like.

I'm not sure.

I don't know where this journey is going to lead. I know it will lead somewhere. It just takes time. And commitment. I'm sure I look crazy. Committing to a God. Committing to trusting God who is consistent and faithful and knows all things.

As hard as it may be. There are things this summer God has to teach me. It scares me a little. Uncertainty tends to do that every now and then. I did ask God for an adventure. I think this works.

The last few days have been not so great. That's totally ridiculous considering it is every students dream to have four months off and not do anything.

But I moved home and while it's not all that bad I was hoping for some sort of adventure. Like moving to a different city.

Plus that, grades. Evil little letters that show up about three times a year. It sucks. Really I could care less. I wish I cared though. I care more what my dad thinks. Here comes the tears and another lecture on time and money and friends and technology.

I think it's going to be the longest summer ever. I want to go somewhere. Ya know? Start over. Be away from life as I know it.

Five weeks until Missouri. Just the vacation I need. Five weeks.

Summer has officially started. I'm seriously trying so freakin' hard to have a good attitude about life and the new season of transition I'm in. It's always hard to move home and be under the parents rules again. I think this has to be the last summer of living at home. I've just decided this right now.

Anyways today was good. I woke up early and went to the Starrs and babysat. I just had Isaiah and Aubrey. Those four kids are so darn cute. I can't get over it hardly. So we had fun. Then lunch with them all, minus Eli.

I came home. Went to the mall and then slept for four hours. I woke up and was like okay what am I going to do. I have no desire to clean, so I baked my first dessert of the summer...apple crisp.

So not springy.

Whatevs.

I've decided to buy a chair and a coffee table for my room. That way I can wake up and read my Bible right away. I have lacked in that being grounded in the Word lately. And in prayer.

Grace upon Grace upon Grace...etc...

Nuttso.

So we start tomorrow morning.

Time for sleep.

Only four more days of school. Only four exams left until summer. Crazy!

This morning was really beautiful, actually yesterday was beautiful too. I got up early to start my day. I decided it'd be fun to do a spontaneous Saturday morning shopping trip. You never know what you will find. Sometimes you go and find absolutely nothing! And then sometimes you end up scoring big time! Yesterday was option B. I scored sweet shoes, a wonderful springy dress, and a summery sling purse.

I drove home to get some stuff done and to my delight my wonderful brother decided to take me lunch. It was so sweet! And then last night was worship at BSHOP. It's so good to be with friends and just worship Jesus together. We has some good time prayin' people up! AND well God is good. That's all I have about last night.

This morning I also woke up super early. I've been getting a solid 6-8 hours of sleep lately. It's worked. Eh. School's almost done anyways. I put on my new dress and decided it looked gloriously beautiful outside. I walked around the pond and prayed and told Jesus everything that was on my heart at the moment. Then I read some Scripture. This morning I'm going to Crossroads for church and studying the day away until the last Evensong.

I'm getting excited to move out and transition back home. But, a little part of me is sad too. I love this place and I love the people. The homework and other stuff....not so much. But what is, is.

I've really been asking God to prepare my heart for this summer. Last summer I go to the end of working and really was feeling burnt out. God let Your will be done no matter what. I want to be obedient. I also want to find joy in whatever I do.

Apart from my "20 before 21" list I think I'll make a list of things I want to accomplish and do this summer.

Summer Funsies List:

1. Go on weekly adventures downtown. This includes finding more coffee shoppes and thrift stores.

2. Get rid of lots of my junk that I never even look at or use.

2. Redecorate my room. I want to find some cute vintage furniture and do some DIY projects. I want to find a really fun vintage chair and coffee table for my room. I also want to find other fun accessories to liven it up! AND of course, add REDDD!!!! I love me some red.

3. I want to learn how to bake. And not the boring Betty Crocker crap. Like homemade, made from scratch, organic, yumminess, sugary goodness, stuff. My goal is to try making one new thing a week. And then bless our neighbors or friends or someone that needs a sugar high.

4. Take cake decorating classes or research how to make a cake online and then DO IT! I've said for a few summers that I wanted to do this, but either have been too lazy or too busy. so this is the summer friends. We'll see. Maybe I'll start with an easy cake first. I really want to nail down my own recipe and then go for it! Hmmm...red velvet? (Just for you Chelsie!) or chocolate? Or....strawberry!!!!??!!!!!!!!! YES! That'd be so creative...and strawberries are red! :)

5. I also want to find a vintage bike. Maybe repaint it and fix it up....because I'm so mechanically intelligent. NOT! Whatevs. That's what the internet is for!

6. I want to really pour into the girls at church as much as I'm able too. I'm not completely sure what that looks like. I know when I was their age, I LOVED having adult woman youth sponsors take me out for coffee or breakfast. Yes, I love coffee and food, but it was SO nice to sit and talk to them. Maybe that's what it looks like. Or maybe it doesn't have to look like anything.

7. I long to GROW GROW GROW! And mature.

8. Find joy in working.

9. Read the whole Bible. I want to spend massive amounts of time in the Word. It's my food!

10. I want to learn to love my family and friends and bless them. I want to learn what it means and IS to walk in Christ's humility.

11. My goal is to read 15 books this summer. Not stupid love novels. Like inspirational books. That's five books a month. Totally legit!

12. Go to the beach. Enough said.

13. Buy a DSLR CAMERA!!!!!!!!!!!!! Someone told me you can easily find one on Craigslist for 300-400 dollars! HECK YES! I so want to develop and grow in photography. I love it so much! Sometimes when I'm walking or driving I can see a photograph and wish I had a nice camera to capture the moment.

14. I want to expand my indie/folk/acoustic music. Any good artists?

That's all. This is how a person gets overwhelmed I suppose.

Life has been interesting as of late. It's been different. God is taking me somewhere. Some moments it feels like the desert. I feel dry and dark and hardened. Some moments are painful and frustrating.

But some are joyful and exciting and speak of freedom.

The last few weeks have been super difficult on a number of levels. To be specific, yesterday was plain hard. It was simply overwhelming. But, for the first time I felt like there was joy in the suffering.

Lately God and I have been wrestling. Over a guy. Nothing new. God's like "Lauren, let go." I'm like, "God I can't." Yes. So on and so forth.

And today I've settled it in my heart to let go.

I try, try is the key word here, to let go. I really do. Does it work? Never.

Okay, fast forward to tonight. I was bitter. That's the word. Bitter. angry. hurt. frustrated. raging on the inside.

A few days ago I listened to Derek's message on forgiveness.

Tonight I went to Crossroads and worshiped with their college students. So freeing. We worshiped and then we studied 1 John 4:7-21 together. SO GOOD.

Everything was completely what I needed to hear. You can go look it up. I'm not going to rehash every single part of it. But, one thing God really spoke to me tonight was about forgiveness and loving and letting go.

For forever literally I've tried letting go of things. Dude. Okay, I'm still carrying a lot of the crap I was years ago. It's ridiculous. Tonight God is like, "Lauren you can't let go, because you don't trust me. Because you are trying in your flesh. You flesh is sinful and evil and dark. I am light and freedom and love and so much more. Your flesh is sinful. I am Love. Love is the opposite of sin. Love is the opposite of hate and rage and bitterness and all that. You can't forgive and let go and love because you are operating in your fleshlyness. Trust me. Ask ME to love through you. Abide in me and I will abide in you. You must operate in my Spirit. I know you can't love by your own strength and wisdom. Only through me."

Okay, it's really really really easy to love some people. Love naturally overflows out of the wellsprings of my heart for some people. Then, well there are honestly others who I don't love. I avoid them mostly. I can't love those people in my own strength. And for the last 9ish months I've tried. I've prayed, "Jesus, help me love this person and that person."

Instead it needs to be "Jesus I am sinful, and broken. I am not capable of loving naturally. Please be my strength. Please love through me. Love in me. Be in me. Abide in me. Because I can't. I am not strong enough."

Jesus has overcome the grave. He has overcome. He has overcome sin. He has overcome shame and guilt and that other sucky stuff. He has overcome my pride. He has overcome my shame. My guilt. All the mistakes of yesterday. All of them today. All of them tomorrow and forever and forever.

WOW! His mercies are NEW EVERY SINGLE MORNING!

Back to 1 John. God is love. He is love. I feel like that should make me fall to my news every time I get out of bed in the morning. I feel like it should make me love others. I feel like it would happen naturally. I don't think I let the Word of God sink in and move me. I don't tremble at it.

I want to be so consumed with the Love of Jesus.

This means I can't go around saying "I love chocolate" or "I love Grand Rapids." If God is love and love is God then when I say those things such as "I love tacos" I'm rejecting God.

I think that might be all. I really want Jesus to consume my every desire. I really want to meet with him forever and love on Him.

Also, I've been really filled with joy and love tonight and happiness and laughter. It's a nice change. There really is joy in the sadness and heartache and letting go.

So Jesus take my desires. They aren't mine. They are yours. May my desires be your desires. May I chose love always. No matter what. May I always abhor what is evil and hold fast to what is good and right and true and pure. May I cling to you in the times when life gets wavy and stormy and dark. I always want to follow you Jesus. Put within in me a hunger and desire to love you Father. I love you through my love for others. That's the only way people see Christ. Manifested in me. In my actions and words and thoughts even...okay people don't know those, but you do. May your name be magnified through you. May this move me to action Jesus.

In Christ alone. In His holy name.

That's all.

God has been ever so faithful. And He will continue to be. For the thousandth time this week has been the roughest, most painful week I've walked through in a while. In fact I feel as though God maybe preparing me to walk into the "wilderness" this summer. It's like all this anxiety has come upon me.

Last night was just terrible, and tonight I was so filled and so blown away by Christ and deep thoughts and Colassians and then all of a sudden an attack. I forget that the devil is on the prowl. But it was so good. I pretty much thought I was going to run out of gas and I didn't. I got three pieces of cheesecake, which is an extra blessing. I was like "God I need to hear "Our God" on the radio." And of course, it came on right away. That happened yesterday too. Tonight God provided someone to intercede for me. Tonight God met me. Tonight God filled me with peace. Tonight God provided strength to get homework done. Tonight God is helping me look forward.

They are tiny things, yes.

Last summer I sat in Lincoln Park on Bridge St. with Delaney and we were talking. We were talking about what it would be like to live in faith. Like complete faith. I think that's when I began praying and telling the Lord I wanted to live in faith. God has seen the desires of my heart and the hunger there.

And so, for some reason, God heard that cry of my heart and he heard the prayer in the park that summer day.

He also answered it. I mean I was at Panera for five weeks and then quit. I have barely had any money. There are so many things God has taken out of my life.

See, I'm living by faith. Everyday is new. I am continually praying "Jesus, give me today my daily bread. Let your will be done."

It's a beautiful place to be in. Dependence on God. Because the world fails me. People fail me. My parents fail. I fail myself. I find myself continually going to the Lord for everything. I'm at a point where I am holding nothing back. It's a journey of surrender.

And tonight God blessed me with rest. I was planning on going home, but have no gas to get home, so I came back to CU. It's nice. It's quiet. I talked to God and wrote a mini outline. Now it's bed time. It's so peaceful in here. No roommate. No chaos. No people. Just the Lord and I.

God is faithful. Always, forever.

Tomorrow I'm going to wake up and shower and pack some things. Spend time with Jesus. Write my theology paper. Good Friday service probably at noon. Home.

That's all.

HOPE

Right now my heart hurts. The only thing I can think to do in the moment is pray and worship and write.

This morning was Derek and Dylan's funeral. It broke me. It made me feel things inside that I didn't even think existed.

I really don't even know what to write, except the same thing I wrote a few days ago.

Derek's life is causing people all over to stop and evaluate their lives and how they are living. He is causing people to run hard and fast. To run this race, focusing our ever wandering eyes on the face of Jesus.

Like, this changes absolutely everything.

I can't just go to youth group tonight the same. I can't just go pour myself out on those teens half heartedly. I want to go fast and hard. Because life is short.

About a month ago I was at Starbucks with a friend and we walk in. Towards the back there are a few people from Crossroads and one of them is Derek.

I was thinking that Derek didn't know he was going to die about a month later. Yet he still ran the race faster and harder and faster and harder.

I don't know when I am going to die. You don't know when you are going to die. Doesn't it make sense to throw our lives into Christ who is the HOPE of the world?

It make perfect sense. This last week or so I have realized how fragile life is. I have realized how broken I am. How in need of Grace I am.

From what I have heard, Derek's message was "repent for the kingdom of heaven is near. Repent and turn away from your sin."

I have realized the fullness of Christ. In Him is LIFE. In HIM there is LIGHT. He is the light. He is life. In Christ there is no death. There is no darkness. He is holy and sovereign and good and true and pure and right.

Be lifted higher Jesus. Be lifted higher.

You are stronger. You are stronger. Sin is broken. You have saved me. It is written. Christ is risen. Jesus you are Lord of all. So let Your name be lifted higher and higher and higher. No matter what. As I become lower and lower and lower. As I die to my sinful self.

God no matter what You are the Hope in this dark time.

I saw the hope. It's been so sad and gloomy and cloudy and depressing the past week. The sun hasn't come out and I haven't even see the sky. But I looked outside and for the briefest moment I saw blue sky peak out.

Darkness may last for the night, but JOY comes in the morning.

Our God is greater, Our God is stronger. God you are higher than any other. Our God is healer. Awesome in power. Our God. So if our God is for us. Then who could ever stop us. And if our God is with us, then what can stand against?

But this I call to mind and therefore I have hope. Great is His faithfulness. His mercies are new every morning.

Those who HOPE in the Lord will never ever be put to shame.

You are my strength when I am weak. You are the treasure that I seek.

Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord. You are the everlasting God. You do not faint, you won't grow weary. Our God you reign forever. Our HOPE our strong deliverer.

No matter what, I am determined to run fast and hard. To forsake the things of this world for the GLORY and HOPE of what is to come. Because Jesus loves me enough to die a sinner's death upon a cross. For Derek.

The Lord Gives and He takes away. May the Name of the Lord be Praised.

This weekend has been excruciatingly painful and joyful. On Thursday night a youth pastor at Crossroads Bible Church died in a house fire along with his six month old son Dylan. I have never met Derek, and if I have I am sure that I would remember him. I do however; have many friends that knew him and their lives were heavily impacted by this man of God.

My heart mourns as if I did know him though. And even though I didn't know him personally and I have never talked to him, his life will have a lasting impact on me.

It has been one of the most amazing weekends. On Friday I worshiped with lots of people from Crossroads down at BSHOP and it was amazing! There aren't words to to describe it. And, the Gathering Grand Rapids last night was amazing. Then this morning I went to Crossroads and it was the most amazing service I have ever been apart of. Today my heart mourns for the lives that were lost, but I rejoice, because I know Derek longed to be with Jesus. I can imagine his first Sunday in heaven was amazing! I get chills!

Hearing Rod Vansolkema talk about him this morning and hearing others talk about him, it sounds like he went and pressed on in life. He pressed on towards the goal. He had this eternal perspective and ran a hard, beautiful race.

That brings me to something else on my heart. I long to live my life purely for Christ and Him alone. I long to go after Jesus with every I've got. No matter what. I long to have an eternal perspective. So often I get hooked on the these stupid worldly matters that are only making my race slower. It's like this "thing" is not worth complaining about. This person is not worth fighting with because we only have so long. In a minute we will be home with Christ and I don't know about all of you, but I want to hear Jesus say "well done, good and faithful servant. Welcome home."

This is not my home. I do not belong to this world. I belong to Jesus. Nothing else in life brings as much joy, satisfaction, and love. And nothing ever ever ever will.

I want to live my life in such a way that exemplifies Christ.

This changes everything.

How I use my time. How I worship. How I pray. How I love. How I live. What I say. Who I hang out with even.

So today my heart is heavy, but I rejoice in the Hope of the World. In Jesus. This whole situation makes me even more excited to be with Jesus. My heart groans for His return.

"The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord."

I am utterly confused. About life. And maybe it's because I hear so many different people's opinions about everything. Life, love, relationships, election, Jesus, prosperity gospel, structure in churches, no structure in churches, the "right" way to worship", the "wrong" way to worship, how to spend my time, how to pray, how to read the Bible, how to study the Bible, nuclear energy, politics, mega churches, house churches, small groups, no small groups, community, what kind of community, what is the closest thing to the early church, how would Jesus live, how are you intimate with Jesus, what does that look like, what to read while doing devotions, blah blah blah blah blah.

I am seriously incredibly tired of talking talking talking about fixing the world. What we need is a love revolution? Does talking about every little thing actually help at all?

No.

So I had this epiphany in the shower. I do a lot of thinking there if you must know. It was more like divine revelation actually. Jesus was like" stop listening to the opinions of man and come find out for yourself by reading my Word. By seeking MY heart and MY purpose for your life."

That's what I need to do.

Ya know? I doubt God sometimes. I ALWAYS seem to hang out, but even then I'm like God where the heck are you. And HE ALWAYS IS SO FREAKIN" FAITHFUL AND TRUE AND RIGHT!

He always speaks guys. He always meets me where I am at. Like He sees the movements of my heart and He sees my desires.

This stuff has been on my heart a lot lately. Sometimes...no a lot of times...I make life so super complex. I just need to go to the Word. I'm am like going to puke maybe from talking about this for the thousandth time. It's always been a struggle. I want faith to come easy.

Alot of times I think I need to pack my bags and go to Africa where there aren't any distractions. Where I can love God and love people with ALL of me. Right? I think that is such a lie.

First, I have to finish school and second, I have ten freaking dollars. That will get me...well hardly anywhere these days. God has placed me here and I won't give into the lie that I can't make an impact and I can't do anything until I graduate. I am so sick and so tired of those lies. I seriously could scream right now.

Tonight, right now, I have a great peace. I'm so glad I'm in Grand Rapids. Tonight I feel called here. It's right. It's good. God has moved so much this week. I can't even begin to describe it. If you want to know, ask me personally. I'll be glad to tell you!

I think that's all. Nighty night.

Nothing Stops God from Meeting With You

I thought I should update. Actually, I feel like updating and spitting out some random thoughts.

First, it's late. It pretty much is way past my bed time. It's been a problem getting to bed lately. It throws me off. By the grace of God I have enough strength to make it through.

Life has been not so normal, but normal all the same. Every day is something new. God is on the move and I love it. Even the hard things. OH MY OH MY!!!! He blows me away. Even in the suffering and hard sucky times. Like the overwhelmation (not a word, I get it, but I can't think of another one...) of homework that doesn't consume my life. That's a problem, I feel as if it should. It just doesn't. And I'm okay with that. My dorm room is sucky. The spiritual darkness of this city is sucky...

This brings me to my next point. God is moving tanigably and it's amazing to be a part of. God astounds me. I've really found a solid group of girls who live in East town and they are are fire so passionate about the Father and I love it and I LOVE THEM. They are so life giving and you walk into their home and you are instantly at peace. Beautiful. And tonight we met and God moved. He moved big time. God is doing stuff in Grand Rapids. He is healing people. He is bring people to spiritual freedom. He is restoring brokeness. He is shining His light in the dark places of this city. He is pouring a refreshing shower of his Spirit on us. It's wonderful. It's beautiful. And the Gathering is on Saturday and I'm pumped and Friday night is BSHOP worship! WOOO!!!! And small groups Thursday! God is on the move!

I have a lot to learn actually. Like a lot. Every day God does that thing where He blows my mind and is like "no Lauren, you do not know as much as you think you do." I have so much to learn. I love it though.

Basically my deepest desire right now is to Love Jesus with EVERYTHING!!!! And love on others and be life giving. Grand Rapids needs a love revolution...no a Jesus Revolution!!!! Some friends and I were discussing Cornerstone and I'm like we need a wake up. We need revival. And my friend Chris looks at me and goes "You are revival." I'm not getting into a whole debate on this. Haha. God brings the revival, but we have to be faithful too! We are called to love Christ first above anything else and then others. When we love Jesus people see that. When we are intimate with Christ he grows our fruit and we can't help but love on others! Christ transforms us. As we spend time really digging into the Word of God and spending time on our knees we come face to face with the King of Kings. WHOA! Hey now! WAY AWESOME!

That's all for tonight.

I'm doing really well. In fact SUPER well. God is moving. Like, for weeks I've been praying that God would bring a group of strong, fervent, godly woman into my life...

AND HE SO DID! That's another story though. Best part is, it's not at Cornerstone.

That brings me to my next point.

Cornerstone.

I love my classes here. I do. Maybe not right now because of all the homework and the whole spring fever thing. Basically it feels like it'll be school forever and ever until my dying day.

So anyways, I love Cornerstone. I love the people and the staff and faculty. BUT it's getting small. For some reason I need to be released from this place. And that's just what I have been praying. I've been asking God if there is anyway I can not live on campus next year. Guys, I just need something deeper. That's how I roll. I need that in my life or else I lose it. Which is precisely what is happening now. I love for that community of steadfastness. I'm going insane.

So we pray into this one. And pray some more. Let God's will be done, no?

I'm tempted to blow this Popsicle stand and drive as far south as I can on $20 of gas. Seriously. If I had a nice camera it would be fun to take pictures downtown, but alas I have a project due tomorrow.

Something is so missing in my life. What is it Lord? Where do I need to be?

Saturday I go on a silent retreat. I. Can't. Wait. Really. I can't. Lots of good prayer time and journaling time and reading time. Maybe by God's loving mercy it will be sunny with a high of 60? That would wonderful. The hermitage is in a field and the field has beg tall trees and deer and barns. Red barns I think.

That's all. Have a lovely day friends.

Hello. I have a few minutes before an appointments so I wanted to write. It's therapeutic, no?

The last few days, no, the last year has been diff. i. cult. For almost 21 years I've aimed for joyful consistency...has that ever actually happened?

Heck no.

It's like this. You get to a good spot and then a hard crappy time hits. That's about my life. For me it's huge life changing decisions. Decisions I don't even feel capable of making on my own. Plus life is insane! I feel so lost and so confused and all over the place.

Jesus is my resting place. This morning instead of getting to my homework and all that jazz, I went to class, chapel and then went to my dorm and spent time with the Lord. And then had some good quality time with a friend. That was happy.

Anyways I should get on the homework. Oh my...

That's all.

Tonight/this morning was one of the most fun, holy, beautiful nights I've had in a very long time, which may be sad, but it's true.

It all started around 8.40 pm. I was walking to Evensong, basically my usual Sunday night routine. I'm like okay God do your thing in me tonight. Let your will be done. Prepare my heart to worship you.

I go to the spot on the bleachers and I meet up with a friend. All of a sudden I see two of my very best friends. One of them literally just got back from China yesterday. I was off the wall joyful. Evensong was great too! I've been thinking a lot about emotionalism lately. I don't want my faith to be something based off of emotions and experiences. Those don't last. They aren't constant.

Jesus is. Evensong was a good reminder of that.

So anyways afterwords some of us were in the back, up on the concourse. We are nuttso. I mean we are full of the joy of the Lord. It was wonderful. I haven't felt that lighthearted in a long while. We laughed and danced and sang and laughed some more. We were crazy! I loved every second of it. We get up to the doors and all five of us are preaching to each other and exhorting each other through our words. Then we spent time in prayer. Lifting each other up and pushing each other towards the Goal. It was beautiful.

And then Applebees. But that's a whole other story in itself.

I've felt really lonely lately I guess and it was good to be with some of my very best friends tonight. Ya know? They each are such a blessing to me and I love them. Like I love them so much. I literally don't know what I would do without them.

I think, well, that's all.

Give us this Day our Daily Bread.

Lately I've been worrying a lot. Worrying about the summer. About finances. About how I am going to put gas in the car. How I'm going to pay off loans. How I"m going to go to Africa.

Those sorts of silly things.

This morning I woke up and did my usual routine. I had a few minutes and decided to read. I sat down and looked over at my journal collections.

I do this weird thing where I open up to the same day as today, but from last year. For example, today is March 25, 2011. I open up to March 25, 2010.

I kid you not this is what I wrote. "As for everything else in life, I don't know. I feel like I have let my guard down. And yet I feel very much at peace too. Yes, life is stressful. Academics pops into my mind, But then I remember that I have to set up two jobs this summer and come up with $1,000 for Ecuador. And buy a car. And somehow sell the Cadilac. It's safe to say I am overwhelmed."

I'm looking at this and reading this and I was like holy moly I feel this way right now.

And then I realized how faithful God is and was and will continue to be.

That semester last spring was the best semester grade wise.

I got both jobs last summer.

God provided above and beyond for Ecuador.

I got a car.

We sold the Cadilac.

I mean God took care of every single thing on that list.

I believe He will take care of everything on this years list. Not for the sake of me getting my way. No. To prove His faithfulness! I'm super excited to witness this! Oh my!

I had another thought too. Dang it. I hate when I forget something profound. I don't know. Alls I know is God is good. Forever and always. OH! I know what I was going to say.

In our western culture we always think we need SO freakin' much more then we actually need.

Gah! I don't. I know that much. I'm learning to be content friends. God provides what we need and may even some of what we want. He is good. He loves giving good gifts to His children.

That's all.

I've been thinking a lot lately about wisdom and parents and pride and the past.

I've begun to figure out that a part of my personality tends to be a little rebellious. I like to do things differently than other people. I think that's okay, but part of me being rebellious and telling my mom at least every other day that I'm moving to Africa, well it may be because I have pride issues. We all know this anyways.

Growing up was not much different. I liked to be different as best I could. Well, because of the crummy pride I would go through these hard times and my parents would give me advice and wisdom on this matter. For like a whole decade I always thought I was right and they were wrong. I "listened." I stood there, but wasn't present.

It's weird and creepy. I've started to actually listen. And then implement their wisdom as best I could. Now that I have matured a little (a teensy weensy bit) I'm beginning to realize that my momma and dad are quite wise and actually have good advice. Now, i don't have to agree with everything they believe or think. I am my own person and all that good stuff. But I never want to stop listening and filtering and asking questions.

Another thing I love so dearly about my parents.

Today is a crummy day weather wise. It's icey and cold and wet. It may or many not be the definition of depressing. But that's okay. As Dr. Stowell reminded me this morning, "REJOICE in the Lord ALWAYS!" God is good. I'm alive. He's in control.

That's all.

I had quite the adventure this afternoon. Here it is.

Yesterday I was sitting in my room doing my homework and I was overcome with this conviction. Here I was sitting there doing homework and listening to "good, Christian" music. Frequently I have good conversations about how the Church needs to step up and do something about the poor and marginalized. I tell people that I love Jesus and want to give my life to serve Him and serve His children.

But this crazy conviction came over me last night.

The Spirit opened my mind and heart to the fact that I might say that I love Jesus and I might go on spontaneous mission trips. Those are great things. But how can I say I love Christ when I sit on my butt everyday and live selfishly. How can I say I love Jesus when I neglect to "feed the poor and clothe the homeless."? I don't do a good job at living out what I preach. sad, but true.

After this revelation I began thinking that the church may or may not make loving on the homeless more complicated than it actually is or has to be.

At Cornerstone we have something called Grab n' Go. You fill out a slip of paper and grab your food. It's real simple. Real easy.

And then it hit me! What if I got grab n' go and brought it to a homeless person. What if I ate lunch with a homeless person? What would happen?

So, this afternoon my friend and I took a bus downtown. We prayed over this and asked the Lord to lead us. What actually transpired is nothing dramatic. It wasn't crazy. It was simple.

We brought three grab n' go's. One for my friend. One for the person we would minister too, and one for me. We had this image of us having lunch with someone and chatting with them. I love this, because it doesn't have "charity" written all over it. It's like Hey! We want to get to know you and listen to you, because we love you.

Instead, we walked to Veteran's Park. As we were walking a homeless man came up and told us that we looked like nice young ladies and would we by any chance have money. He also had two friends with him. We were like we don't have money, but we have food! So we gave it away. Yep, a simple thing, right? No drama or hype or anything. We just wanted to love someone and bless them. I hope we did. It really wasn't about us...at all. It's Jesus. I hope the nice old man saw Christ and not us. I hope he felt cared for and loved.

We keep walking and we are like okay, what now? We keep walking through Veteran's Park and come across a man on a bench. His name was Jim. He had lovely blue eyes. If you looked in them long enough, it was as if you were swimming in the ocean. He looked sad. I look at him and I say hi and he says hi back. we talk for about ten minutes. Random things. Nothing deep. I really hope he felt loved too. I really hope he felt listened too.

And then we got lost, and go on the wrong bus, but that is beside the point.

I know I've said this before, but I'm going to say it again. You don't have to read farther. It's really okay.

Every time I get on a bus or walk among the homeless people my heart melts. I have this crazy love for them. It's like, hey! I can relate with you. I might not be physically poor (this is debatable, seeing as I have about $54 dollars), but I know how it is to have a poverty of the soul and to feel pain and to be lonely.

All of the presuppositions fade and I become one of them.

I love books. I wish I could major in reading books, but I'm positive they don't have that one at Cornerstone. I don't finish many things in life...unless of course I absolutely have too. But, when I finish a book I feel accomplished. I think to myself wow I actually finished something...and not another episode of The Office. One time I finished a 600 page book. That was a big deal I'd say.

I don't just like books for the good feeling I get when I finish the final page and shut it and put it back on the bookshelf. Nope. Books unlock things that otherwise I would never figure out.

Tonight I finished Blue Like Jazz for the fiftieth time. If you haven't read it, go and get yourself a copy. It's all worth it.

I'm going through this weird season of life right now. Figuring out who I am. Figuring out exactly what I believe about God and following Christ. Those sorts of things that I hear are normal for a college student. Currently I'm going through a refining process you could say. Whoever said it was easy going through this lied. It's not. It's hard. It's difficult. It hurts. It's almost painful.

But it's good.

So, like I said I finished Blue Like Jazz. It's one of the few books that I am captivated right from beginning to end. I know...there has been negative talk about this book, but I don't really care what anyone says.

The book has about 250 pages. At about page 245 I gasp. My eyes get wide and I finally realize why I adore him and his writing.

Don Miller and I are kindred spirits. We are the same person.

It sounds creepy, but it really isn't.

Everything he talked about I could absolutely relate too. He has pride issues,and so do I. He is needy, and so am I. He thinks and talks and writes like I do. It was as if the whole book was a reflection of me. So weird.

It gives me great hope for myself. There are more days then not that I think I am getting know where in my faith journey. There are plenty of days where I think I will never change. I will never get over myself and actually see others clearly, and for what they are worth. I will never love genuinely.

But God has done a miraculous work in Don Miller's life,and He is doing a miraculous work in mine as well. And in other people's lives too. That's comforting. Don is a human just like me. We are both so severely broken and tattered, but a long long long time ago Jesus gave up his very life so we may have life. nuttso.

That's all.

A Dark Lonely NIght.

That's just it. A dark, lonely night. That's what my life has been lately. It's funny, because whenever I struggle I HAVE GOT to figure out what the heck is going on. I cannot for the life of me just sit there and let life go by. Usually I walk through pain in steps.

Step 1. Cry about it.

Step 2. Pray about it.

Step 3. Journal about it.

Step 4. Write out at least 5 steps in getting over it and coming to find wholeness.

This time is different. I'm lost. Utterly, desperately lost. And I'm okay with that. I told God tonight that I wished I could come back from this beautiful sunshiney day and tell the world that I'm happy and excited for life and joyful. Such a lie. So I go on and tell the Lord that I need Him to guide me and direct my steps, because I'm scared. I'm broken. Some really crappy pride has taken over my heart. It needs to die. That much is evident. It's going to be a one day at a time thing. I mean, that's all I can actually see at the moment. Nothing beyond tomorrow.

I went to worship tonight and I had this desperateness come over me. I was actually hungry for God. I just wanted Him. Nothing else that the world could offer. I told God that I'm willing to walk through this "dark night." I long for the Lord's will to be done in my life.

That's all.

I need your help!

Where God is leading me...

As a part of my group of friends and family, I would like to share with you where God is leading me in this crazy season of life.

For years God has placed Youth with a Mission (YWAM) on my heart. I began prayerfully seeking the Lord on this last December. In the last four months God made it clear that He has something for me in Los Angelos, California. I have yet to find out what that something is, but for now I’m content in following and being obedient to the Lord’s voice.

History of Youth with a Mission...

YWAM was founded back in the 1950’s by a young man named Loren Cunningham. Loren always knew he had a calling to go and make disciples of all nations, but he didn’t know how serious this call was until he was in a hotel room in the Bahamas.

One afternoon Loren found himself in his room praying. As he was praying God gave him a clear vision. The vision was a map of the world and the map was covered with waves from the ocean. Soon the waves began turning into young people from all over the global church.

Now, about 60 years later the vision is being fulfilled. Thousands of people, young and old, are being commissioned every day.

What I would be doing...

YWAM is mainly comprised of two ministries. The first on is Discipleship Training School (DTS) and the second is Mission Builders’s (MB). I have the opportunity of being apart of Mission Builder’s.

During the months of May and June the mission base will have students from all over the world attending their School of Ministry Development. The months of June and July the base will be hosting youth groups and schools. This program is called Encounter4 Teens. It’s a two week program designed to get teens excited bout what God is doing in the nations. Teenagers also have the opportunity to go out and do service projects and outreach throughout greater Los Angeles.

So where do I fit into this?

I would have the opportunity to help the YWAM staff in training these students to go out and do ministry effectively. I would also have the amazing privilege of serving in any areas of the base that are most needed, such as, cooking, working at the coffee shop, working as a receptionist, and an amalgam of other things.

For many years I have felt the call to go into full time ministry somewhere in the world. This opportunity would not only be a season of growth, but it would give me the opportunity to get my feet wet in a mission agency, while also serving alongside amazing people who also have a heart to see the lost be found.

Financial Support

I have to raise about $400.

If you would like to help me monetarily, please send your check to:

Lauren Sack

Mailbox #: 2410

985 East Beltline Avenue Northeast

Grand Rapids, MI 49525

More importantly I would appreciate your prayers as I embark on this exciting journey.

Pray for God’ guidance and provision. Pray that His will be done in my life. Pray for protection and growth.

Thanks,

Lauren Sack

I am stuck. That is the most adequate way to describe it. Stuck. I am so held down this morning by the cares of life. I have been so incredibley lazy the last few weeks (that's another story in itself) and now the consequences of that are showing up. I am on spring break, but even so it's been so hard to focus and sit down and get anything done.

On a better note, last week I got accepted into Youth with a Mission or YWAM. I'll be spending three months of my summer in Los Angelos, California doing ministry at their base and learning and growing and OH MY I CAN"T WAIT! This is a dream come true.

But even this has worries. I really need to buy my plane ticket soon and don't have the money. That's part of why I'm so overcome with anxiety this morning. It's been plaguing me, how the heck am I going to come up with $345!?!

Seriously, these are the moments in life that I stuff God in this box and try and control Him. I forget that God could totally blow me over at any second. He is the One who makes it rain in spring and snow in winter. he holds the universe in His hands. That's nuttso! God is bigger than $345. I have to believe that is nothing to Him.

And I just feel crappy in general today. Maybe because the sun is out. Plus our house is a disaster! Whenever that happens I get irritated and frustrated with myself. Which of course is why I am going to spend this morning cleaning.

He's doing a new thing. So we are singing a New Song.

It has been quite the day. No quite the month. It's been quite the last five weeks. It's like every day God continually throws these life altering truths at me that strip me of what I always believed. It's amazing. It's hard. It's good.

Today even, God has blown me away! Besides a beautiful morning with my Love I had evangelism and discipleship class. I know evangelism and discipleship is about the person you are witnessing too, but God has been using the material and lectures and discussions in this class to correct my views. One thing that was said was, "A person's prayer life often reflects their view of God or the gospel." I was like, YES YES YES! No wonder my prayer life is so crazy messed up and me centered!!!! (YAY for revelations!!!). These walls and world views are being stripped from me. I always had the mindset that God exists for me and He will meet EVERY single need of mine. That is how I grew up. When God didn't meet that need or give me what i wanted, I questioned my faith. There was no consistency.

Truth: God DOES NOT exist for me. In fact He could zap me right now. I could stop breathing. I am breathing because God wills it that way.

I exist for God. I exist to bring Him glory. I exist to magnify His holy righteous beautiful name. That is all. In my day to day life I am called to love Him with everything I've got.

I was talking to a friend this morning and as I was talking I had another revelation.

If Jesus were to come to me physically tonight and looked me in the eyes, would I be able to tell him that in everything I did today I brought His name alone glory?

That blew me away completely! Crazy! And of course, the cost of discipleship. That's also been hitting me super hard today. Here it is: I am nothing. I am nothing without Christ. Every minute of every day I need His humility. I am weak. I have nothing! Christ calls us to drop everything. To kill it. To kill the flesh. Take up our crosses every day and go to our death. To starve the flesh.

This is what is not being preached in the pulpits. Christ demands our all. ALL. Christ is the best thing. He is worth it. In that, I have lost friends. In that I have given up sleep. In that I have no money. In that I have given up what this world has to offer. I'm not all there yet. It's tough. Some days are easier, some are harder. Yet it's worth it. Christ bids us come and die. Kill the desires of the flesh. kill the sin in you. He is doing a new thing. He says, "the old has gone, the new has come."

When I am weak, then He is strong. He is Jesus.

And that's as far as I've gotten really. I've come to realize so much in the past few hours. I wonder what the rest of today will hold?

This week has been utterly amazing! Including my evil bug I had a few days ago. It's just that I've begun to walk my faith much more consistently. It's not so much a roller coaster anymore. I'm beginning to see Jesus every day. I'm beginning to grasp His unconditional sweet sweet love and joy. I'm starting to understand His true humility. Jesus is so beautiful. His life was so not of this world. Living for Jesus is so upside down. It's crazy. But I would not trade it for anything!!!!

I've had many many many victories (through Christ alone) and joys this week. to many to count. What a blessing! Even so, it's hard sometimes. My mom is one of my best friends. Lately I feel like we've let life get in between us. When we talk I feel like it's the same thing over and over. When I just want to talk about some happy. Something not related to "that."

But then I'm humbled once again, and the Lord reminds me that people fail us and things don't always go our way. And my heart becomes postured in humility towards the throne. It's beautiful!

And then, there are those decisions in life we always have to make. But through this I'm learning faith. I'm learning to not worry and trust. I'm learning to be completely, 100% dependent on Him. It's a wonderful place to be.

My number one joy, no number two, is college group tonight!!!! Number two highlight of the week let me tell you! I'm ready! It's so good to serve and grow through that. It's so good to love and pour into people, but I think it's equally important to be poured into. I love that about this group. It's so balanced!!!

Off to class. Goodbye lovelies!

Cause I am Love sick, for my Beloved.

Today is the second day of school. Last night when I went to bed I began anticipating a full Tuesday of classes. I was actually really excited for today.

Yet, much to my dismay I woke up at three am with a terrible stomachache. And so began my day of throwing up. Praise the Lord it's been almost six hours since the last time I threw up!!!!!

Today's Joy List:

-the quiet moments when it was just me and God.

-Talking to God

-Listening to Jon Thurlow's song "My Little One" and crying, because God's presence was so in that room.

-Being humbled enough to let people get things for me

-Getting better is a plus

I think that's it for now. I'm praying my hardest for this bug to be completely gone in a few hours! I am ready to get into school and get rollin with that.

Today marks the first day of the semester and a fresh start. I love the first day of semesters. Your academic slate is clean and you get another chance (in my case) to redeem yourself. It's an opportunity to go after the Lord. Another chance to make relationships right, and strengthen some. Any opportunity to set some goals for myself.

Yeah, I like new semesters. A lot.

Today's Joy List:

-Waking up this morning when it was so quiet and dark and spending time with my Father

-Evangelism and Discipleship...it's going to be a great class!

-Worshiping with the CU community for the first time in five weeks!

-Taking a nap and organizing my life

-the beauty of stillness and peace

-Ingrid Michaelson loveliness filling our room

-seeing people I haven't seen in a month or so

Alright that's all for today. Homework waits for no one.

I'm back from Ireland! It was such a wonderful trip. I feel so blessed to be able to go see another small corner of the world.

Yesterday was a long day...sort of. We got to Dublin Airport...sometime. And caught our flight at 1. The airplane ride was one of the best I've been on. I got three hours of work done on my computer and they give free movies and I read my book and listened to music and worshiped. It was great! Not to mention the food was surprisingly good!

We landed at O'hare around 2:45-3. We left the airport around 3:30 and were on the road.

It's so nice to be back home. Every time I leave the country or even the state I always get excited to drive past the city and take it all in once again. I love Grand Rapids. My heart is in this city! I even got a good night's sleep too! We'll see later today how the jet lag affects me. I also haven't seen snow for two weeks. I'm really not a huge fan, but I woke up and the sun was out and it was making everything sparkle! How lovely!

And, tomorrow school starts. I'm looking forward to it for the most part. I know how last semester went and I really don't want to repeat it. I'm mostly excited to see how I grow. I'm excited to see where God leads me this summer and beyond. I'm not going to make any goals I decided. I always get to the end and feel like i failed. No goals this semester. Okay maybe I do have two of them.

1. Love God. Love people.

2. Rock it in school!

I can feel the Lord's strong hand upon. I feel Him slowly picking me up out of the dust and calling me to enter in to the promises. To freedom. To life. He is so good!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lord Jesus,

Thank you for Ireland. Thank you for the people I met and the growth that took place and the beauty of Your Majesty in the creation. It was beautiful! You are beautiful Jesus! Lord, I give you this semester. The next four months. They are yours. I ask that you would break me. Grow me. Use me. Sustain me. Provide for me. Mold me. May I come to fall more in love with you every day. May I enter in to the promises and the life that I am called. Lead me Lord.

I love you Jesus! You are the best!

Love,

Lauren

I'm at the point of this trip where I am ready to be home. There's a girl on this trip, when asked if she was ready to come home responded, "Yes and no. There's a part of me that doesn't want to ever leave, and the other part does want to be in a place much more familiar. Although I don't have a place that is familiar." So, once again, I am thankful for a place to call home. I'm thankful that in Grand Rapids I have multiple place to call home. In this big, scary, exciting world, I have somewhere to go to when I'm scared or hurt or worried.

Yet, that's also the hard part. It's hard finding a balance where I can be an adult and take care of myself, but also let my parents do there job still. I don't know. Especially right now. I have no idea where I'm going to be this summer. I think I know, but I'm not sure how to get there.

Anyways, I have to get ready for school.

L

Glorious Disarray...A college students attempt to write something deep at midnight.

Tonight I had a minor meltdown of sorts. Lately a huge struggle (like most college students) of mine has been that in the way of all things money.

"How the freakin way am I going to sponsor Kamal?"

"How am I going to pay off my loan?"

"How am I going to afford books?"

Those are some of the thoughts that have ran through my head. And I remembered that I had three more classes that I needed to buy books for. Each class has multiple books.

Then it happened. A thought. I realized that a couple weeks ago I gave God everything I had and everything I am. I surrendered it all and found freedom in that. I was healed. And God is a lot bigger then money. He is a whole lot bigger then my worries and fears.

He is faithful right? Each of you could take a moment and stop and think back to maybe hundreds of times in your own lives that you have seen the movement of God. The ever present faithfulness. That is beautiful. He is faithful. So faithful.

I've made really dumb mistakes in the past couple of months. I won't get into it, but I quit my job at Panera and at the time thought it was a good idea for multiple reasons and now I'm not so sure. BUT it's in the past and I can't turn back time. So I hereby leave this here and I'm not looking back. It's gone. done with.

I was in bed and Philippians 4 popped into my head and so I decided to read it. And oh, is it ever written so wise and beautifully. It just so happens that Paul was in the same predicament as me. Okay, maybe not the same one, but in principle he was. He worried. He was anxious about things in his life. But he figured it out. He gave it up. He turned his worries into heartfelt prayers and worship. And in turn, God gave him peace that is inconceivable on a human level. Then he even goes as far as to boldly proclaim to all the brothers and sisters to look at your situations and pick out the truth, the honor, the purity, the lovely, the excellent. And he even tells us that he has found a way to be content. Whether he has a little, or a lot. He is content. Through the strength of Christ Paul is content. Paul ends the chapter by telling us that Christ will supply all of our needs. Praise the Lord.

Okay, confession. For a couple weeks i faithfully did my devotions and spent time in the Word. Going to Ireland I haven't. I think it's a whole routine thing for me. One thing I love about God is that He is faithful to meet us where we are. So even though I haven't been in the Word a lot...or at all; He met me tonight. He is full of Grace and full of Mercy.

It's also beautiful that God sees the movements of our hearts. He sees me in my weakness and still beckons me to come to Him. He sees my heart in all it's glorious disarray. I love it! :) That's wonderful.

I am so freakin weak. There are good days, and there are bad days. Rarely are there great days, but I'm learning ever so slowly to walk in freedom and joy no matter what. I'm learning and I"m growing and I'm maturing and that gives me hope. I almost typed, "and that feels good." there's my weakness at its finest folks. No credit goes to me. none. Jesus is my hope.

And that's all there is to it.

Day...something...I've lost count.

I've officially decided that I love the balance of field trips and rest time. Even so the days are starting to mix together. Today we went to Lisburn to a linen museum. It was interesting to say the least. We headed back to the manor and had lunch and heard a lecture. We had the option to go to the city and shop, explore, and/or eat. I decided to take a rare evening and do some writing and catch up on e-mails and have a nice relaxing, quiet evening at home. It's nice. I was thinking today about how I thrive on being alone. Wow. I make myself sounds so depressing.

It's nice to have alone time once in a while, especially since I am surrounded by people constantly. That's always been tough being at school...the constant being around people 24/7 and having no place to go just be. If I wasn't a broke college student, then I would definitely be at a cozy coffee shop somewhere.

Okay, that's my quicky update for today.

Be blessed.

L

Day Three

It's another day in Belfast, Ireland, and I would have to concur that today has been my favorite thus far. We woke up and grabbed some breakfast and headed to this sleek, modern, cozy, charming coffee house called Clements. Okay, honestly, the coffee was disgusting. I didn't like it. I mean it wasn't bad, but nothing beats Madcap in my book. But it was still a great experience.

We came back to the house and had a lecture on art. It was interesting. The only reason I think so, is because I was born with many creative genes...handed down from my momma. She would be so proud. Now I can go home and intelligently talk about art and color and all that jazz. The paintings we saw were beautiful! I loved them! I sat there in awe, and wishing I was that good. Learning to really do art would take a lot of precious time that I just do not have.

After we grabbed lunch and we were supposed to go to the Ulster Art Museum, but one of our hosts was ill. So, we had the opportunity to go into the city and explore, and shop, and eat. So three other girls and I wandered around. And by wandered, I'm quite serious. We had no clue where we were! But, it was a blast. Loved every minute! We found some amazing hipster cafes. And some vintage shops...my favorite! We also had thee best tasty treats you cold imagine! They lived up to their name let me tell you! We took a double decker bus through the city.

My favorite color is red so I naturally bought a red (soccer) futbol jersey. Now I am broke..not that I wasn't before though. And actually that isn't natural of me, considering I am non-athletic, but I've traveled to two different countries. One in Latin America and one in south America. They are big into soccer, so I thought why not now? And it's Liverpool, England, and according to many reliable sources they are a top notch team. So that's exciting. Maybe people will take me as more aggressive. Maybe they'll be like, "Whoa watch out! She's wearing a soccer jersey. She's tough!"...okay, probably not. I gave up on being tough a while back.

We came back after and ate dinner and here I am. Typing away. It was a free night. I suppose I should have been doing my homework, but it was nice to catch up and relax before a busy semester. I actually ended up adding one more class. I don't actually know if that was a wise thing to do. Last semester I totally failed (not literally...) so this will be interesting, and a challenge.

Alright. That's all. I may or may not write tomorrow as well.

Be blessed!

Lauren

Day Two

Having this blog makes it feel more like home to me. I'm comfortable here. I probably won't update everyday about my trip b/c I feel as if that would be overdoing it, but we have some free time at the moment, and it's good to get your thoughts out.

First, it's so hard for me to keep the fire going in my heart after the last couple weeks and everything that has happened to me. It's hard being here in Ireland and not feeling like reading my Bible or praying. I hate that I'll get home and feel like I have to "make up" the time for not being with the Lord. On another note this whole freedom thing is hard. I almost half expected God to erase the memories. I don't actually think that's how it works though. I am pretty sure that would be way too easy. But it's harder than I thought. Way harder. Every time his name pops up on skype my heart remembers and it longs for that attention, or every time I have to walk out of my comfort zone the insecurities of myself flood my mind. Or random judgmental, prideful thoughts race across my mind about someone. It's hard being standing up and guarding my heart, or speaking loving things about myself, or loving on people.

I am a work in progress.

On another note, today was fascinating. It makes me want to go to every single country and learn about their culture and the rich history behind it. This morning the jet lag hit my hard, so I was fighting to keep myself awake and alert for the lecture. The lecture was done by a sweet, old (ancient as he calls himself) man named Hadden. He brought us through a brief history of Ireland.

Basically in 1845 there was the Potato Famine. Prior to this the population of Ireland was 8 million. Throughout the famine and beyond the population steadily decreased. Today Ireland has about 5 million people. The famine caused many to go hungry and die. Many people fled to America during that time which is why a lot of us come from Irish descent.

In 1922 Ireland split and from then on, until 1998 there was trouble and hardship. Southern Ireland is under Irish rule. In 1922 the Irish people became angry because they were ruled over by the English in England. Northern England is part of the UK (United Kingdom: England, Northern Ireland, Wales, and Scotland). Hadden also discussed newspapers in Ireland.

Then we took a much needed break and had tea and scones. My oh my were they delightful little things! It's really too bad that America couldn't pick up on this. It would definitely be a de-stresser.

After was probably my favorite part of the day. We heard a lecture on St. Patrick. The only reason I know even a little about him was because of ICM. I won't go into detail (but if you really want to know you should read a bio on him!). In those days the Irishmen would go on raids and kid nap girls and boys and bring them to Ireland as slaves. Patrick actually lived in England, but one day he was kidnapped and brought to Ireland. There he became an even stronger Christian and spent hours upon hours in prayer each day. He began to get visions and dreams from God and eventually fled from the island to go back to England. There he felt convicted to go back to Ireland to minister to the Irish. And...I will let you figure out the rest. It's quite an interesting story and he's my new hero!

This afternoon we actually had the honor of going to see where he pastored and where he was buried. It was beautiful and charming. At the church there was a brick prayer cell in the yard. I was imagining devout monks walking from the church ready to go pray. It was a very holy place.

Then we headed back and tonight, get this, I actually tried three types of fish and liked them all! That is a miracle my friends. That just does not happen...ever!

Alright. It's time to go. Thanks for reading.

Day One

January 9, 2011

I made it to Ireland! Finally. It’s one of those things that you never think will get here and when it does, you scarce can take it in. I feel like I’m in America right now, but I’m Europe. Bizarre.

For an update: We left Cornerstone at noon yesterday (Saturday) and drove to Chicago. This is quite trivial, but I’m going to say it anyways. The international terminal at O’Hare has no food. Thankfully, we didn’t wait too for our flight to get here. And, it was the easiest international flight I’ve been on in terms of procedures and security and customs. The flight was good too. I listened to music and fell asleep fairly quickly. Praise God! Especially since the last couple weeks have been really late nights and really early mornings.

We arrived in Dublin this morning (Sunday) at 8:32 a.m. Dublin is in the Southern part of Ireland, and Belfast is two hours north located in the United Kingdom. The countryside is beautiful. Rolling hills and old stone buildings everywhere. I love that about Ireland. Everything is old, charming, and beautiful. (just as side note: Ireland, and probably many other places in Europe are energy efficient, so to put it bluntly…it’s freezing! Thankfully I brought all my sweaters!).

When we arrived in Ireland I was thinking it’d be pouring down rain and freezing. It is freezing, but the sun was out and ever so bright! We had the opportunity to stop at an old 15th century celtic grave yard. It was beautiful! The burial sites were really old and they provided so much history. I was really tired when listening to the tour guide talk so I missed out on the history of it, but I did catch one interesting tidbit. The crosses tell a story. They tell a story of the gospel. The crosses are actually nicknamed “poor man’s gospel,” because poor people in Ireland were illiterate, so the crosses on the grave stones helped them understand.

Then we headed back to the manor and “nested” as they call it. We ate lunch almost immediately upon arriving. It was delicious! I’d live in Ireland just for the food! It was wild rice and chicken soup, bread, and a salad. After lunch we had a couple hours to get settled in and unpack. We were advised not to fall asleep, but I did anyways. I really tried not too! Later we had a meeting with our group to go over expectations and talk about what we are going to be doing. Some reading for the class I’m going to be taking, and dinner. It was called an Ulster Fry. It’s an Irish breakfast…but for dinner. And oh boy was it ever good!

In our group meeting we were told to be thinking about our expectations for this trip. Before ever leaving I had the expectation of growing in who I am as a person and growing in head knowledge. As a person, I’d like to become more of myself and become much more confident in who I am. After my freedom appointment last Thursday, I am slowly learning that it’s good to be yourself. So, I’ve let my insecurities go. A lot of my class that I’ll be taking is discussion based. I can be so introverted and shy, so this trip will really challenge me to go deeper and become stronger. I may know how to get around an airport, but when it comes to things in groups and especially with people who I don’t know; that is scary. I expect myself to learn the value of education and knowledge. I have never taken school seriously. Of course, it’s always ended up on my New Year Resolution list, but I’ve never really followed through.

This year has brought with it so much potential, freedom, joy, peace, Jesus, love, strength. I know it’s going to be an amazing year! I want to enjoy this experience to the fullest. I want to sit down and read Irish literature and take in everything that we see these next two weeks. I want to get to know the people and the culture. I want to get to know myself more and learn what my mind is capable of.

That’s all for tonight. This is so bizarre. It’s bed time here in Ireland, but back home it’s 4 pm. Alright friends, enjoy your Sunday afternoon!

Jesus I want to see you Rightly.

Today I have my Set Free appointment. And let me just say the enemy has been on me since yesterday. I even got a mini case of the stomach flu and was throwing up during the night...I know, you probably didn't want to hear that. Now I feel like 70% better. But I do believe that today Jesus is going to make me more free than I have ever been in years. For that, it's worth it. More of Jesus, less of me.

I'm listening to a song called "Dependant" by John Thurlow. If you have never heard it, I recommned going to listen to it. There's a line that says, "I don't have a care in the world if I am trusting you completely." That's the kind of faith I want to have. I want to not even care, b/c I am so focused and in love with Christ. Nothing else matters. None but Jesus.

I think it is about time to update this, due to the fact that it's been a while. A lot has been happening lately.

Last week I spent in Kansas City, Missouri at Onething conference put on my International House of Prayer (IHOP). It was beyond amazing! Not going to life the experience was amazing, but that's not where the glory goes. The glory goes to Jesus. His name was so much glorified in that place and I was reminded so much of his faithfulness, love, goodness, etc...

I won't go into every single detail considering that would take hours, but I'll touch on a few things. I fell in love with Jesus again. The hard thing about conferences is that they get you all hyped up, and when you get home it's gone. But I've found this love that does not fade with time. It doesn't fade with emotion. It's unconditional and genuine. This semester I am putting myself on a rigorous schedule of seeking God.

Corey Russel (leader at IHOPU) charged us to go to bed at 10 and wake up at 6 and spend two hours before school with Jesus. This message really got to me. Corey explained that this generation has a spirit of complacency and laziness on them. We are always on facebook, watching TV, texting, etc... He also explained that after ten p.m. we are more vulnerable to the enemy for multiple reasons. That message totally collided with me! I was convicted of my ever going flippancy. So this new year I am committing to pleading with the Lord to give me a spirit of sobriety. So this week I began digging in the word and worship and prayer.

I also got prophesied over on Thursday afternoon. I won't go into that, but God is always faithful! He is so good! Everything lined up with what God had been speaking to me initially!

The worship was amazing! I've literally listened to the Forerunner music non stop since last Saturday! It's so powerful, real, and fun (yes, I find worship a lot of fun!). One of the forerunner worship leaders is Misty Edwards. She spoke on how our mind is sacred space. We always have things running through our minds and conversations with my mind. She made the point that the people we have conversations with, well, they can't even hear us anyways, so why not keep that sacred space for you and God? Good point!

Another sermon was by Stephen Venable. He spoke on Luke 9. This is where Jesus says to take up our crosses and deny ourselves and follow Him. This one is convicting hardcore! And I've realized that I can't have anything without that right there. I can't go on and live a full and genuine faith if I won't surrender my very own life.

Okay, that's about it on that note. You all should really go experience IHOP for your own selves since a blog post will not give it justice. No, scratch that. Yes, IHOP is great and their mission is fantastic and so biblical, but I want to encourage you all to not give up. Don't give up. Don't give in. If you don't quit, you win, you win.

Keep running hard after Jesus. Stop what you are doing and make yourself a prayer schedule or schedule time during the day to actually BE with God. He longs for you. He loves you. He is ravished over you. And you don't need a conference to find Jesus. He is right here. His presence is always there! So keep running after Him! He is far more worth it then anything this world could offer! Promise! He is so fulfilling and so full of love and grace and freedom and Joy and peace and satisfaction. Friends we were made for Him. We were created for him, by him and through Him.

Tonight I'm hosting a dinner party. Yep, super exciting and quite a step as I mature into an adult.

I leave for Ireland in 4 days! Yikes! I'm ready for another adventure. I will tell you one of the things prophesied over me was i was going to go on adventures this year with the Lord. I was stirring the apple cidar when it dawned on me. "Woah! I was made for adventure!" I was made for adventures. I've always been adventurous. ever since I was an itty bitty thing. I'm excited!

So I think that's it. I'm about to go dig into Jeremiah.

I love you all! The joy of the Lord is our strength!