I hope everyone had a fantastic Christmas and experienced the joy of Christ's birth, and of course family, food, and giving too.

My Christmas was grand! We headed to Flint to spend time with my dad's side of the family and then of course who could forget Christmas morning? After we had my mom's side over for Christmas day. It was a lot of fun! Such a joyous time and even somewhat tiring. Actually, a lot tiring. Today calls for a nap.

Tomorrow morning I head out really early for Onething conference down in Kansas City, MA. I'm super pumped!!! A little nervous, but super excited!!!

In high school it may or may not have felt this way, but in college your world goes from knowing a few people to knowing a lot of people. Through this I have had to really check my motives concerning my faith and where I am at. There are a lot of people who have a really strong faith, and it becomes so easy to compare yourself to them. This conference will be intense too.

One of the easiest ways to get tripped up by the enemy is complacency. So of course, I haven't been in the Word or in prayer as I should. And in church today I was so distracted. my mind wandered and wandered basically everywhere! It's frustrating. I want my heart to be in the right place this time around. I've been to conferences and I have been on mission trips. Beforehand I always spend time praying that God would clear my mind of any thoughts other than him and he would work and move in me. It always seems to be the opposite of what actually happens.

I think so often I have this mindset that these conferences and trips are magic in a sense. Like, if I go to this then God will solve all of my problems right then and there. So, if you are reading this and feel impressed to pray for me, could you do that? pray that God would open my heart to the things of him. Pray that the minutes I wake up tomorrow morning and walk out that front door, my mind would be completely focused on Christ. Let His will be done right?

Alright that's enough for now. time to eat some leftover goodies.

Be blessed!

L

Here's to 2010.

One of my traditions about this time of year is writing about the last 365 days of the year. I think it's a good one, because it gives me a chance to remember how beautiful the faithfulness of God is. I don't reflect enough on life, so here's to 2010.

I brought in the New Year with 25,000 other believers in the America Center in St. Louis, Missouri. I spent the last week of 2009 at Urbana. Urbana is a missions conference held every 3 years. It was an incredible week learning about missions and what God is up to around the world. It really was a perfect start to a new year. The next week I was on my way to Chicago for little getaway with some friends. It was a wonderful week, despite issues in life that seem to creep up on you.

Soon after Chicago the semester was back in full swing. It was a great semester. One of the best parts was how well I did in school. But the most beautiful part of it was the growth I saw in myself. And not just in all things school, but in my faith. I remember spending many hours by the pond writing in my journal, praying, reading the Bible. Through those times I experienced the incredible love and joy of Christ.

I also had the chance to do even more traveling. My family and I went to Savannah, GA and Florida for spring break.

During the summer I worked at Stonewater. I also spent time babysitting. One of the highlights of my summer was traveling to Ecuador. I went with my youth group. We stayed up in the mountains, in a city called Riobamba. It was a wonderful trip! I loved it so much! It solidified my calling to go to the nations. I also had the privelege to help lead a domestic mission trip.

For a few years my youth pastor had this vision to live in poverty for a period of time. To experience it. So that's what we did. We partnered with another Nazarene church in the area and camped in a field. I could go into to detail, but for the sake of time I'll leave it at that. All to say, it was a great week.

And then this semester. This semester was by far the longest, hardest, busiest one. I had to learn a lot and honestly, I am still learning a lot. I'm still figuring out things and working through things. But that can be another post.

And here we are, at Christmas time. On Monday I leave for a conference in Kansas City. I can't wait. I can't wait to experience God and to learn and grow.
About a week after that I'll be heading to Ireland for two weeks. I can't wait. Seriously!

Be blessed this Christmas season!

awaken.

I'm five days into Christmas break and just loving it! It's been a good mix of productive, relaxful, and fun! It feels like I haven't done much though.

Today has been quite the day and I have only been up since 10! I woke up in a good mood actually. Which of late, is really quite rare. Lets just say, a shower and make up does a girl good. Took a shower, dressed, breakfast. During this routine my mom called to inform me that she ran into my car which resulted in the front, driver's side brake reflector light thing being crushed to pieces. Then, to add to my frustration I went to write a check to pay of my loan. Come to find out, my checks are all gone. And I forgot the address to where it's supposed to be sent. And the other day my kitty cat got into my opened drawers of my dresser and it tumbled over, breaking my moms antique glass lamp and spilling a glass of milk everywhere! In turn, it smells like spoiled milk.

At first I was super frustrated with the world, and then I started writing in my journal about everything and came to some conclusions. First, these things are super trivial. Like really. They are. In the grand scheme of things they really don't matter. Especially when you look at them from a biblical perspective. They. don't. matter. period.

There are people out there who are struggling. A good friend of mine might have uteran cancer, and she's only 30ish. I know families that are in disarray and are a mess. My precious sponsor child in India lives in a community of people who struggle with AIDS on a daily basis. There are people in Grand Rapids that have nothing. Their goal this Christmas is to stay as warm as possible and if they are blessed with a warm meal then that's a bonus.

With that thought I realized just how much I have. I'm not sick (as far as I know...). I feel alive and healthy. I have a fantastic family that I truly adore. We all get along great! I have a beautiful home that has heat. This Christmas will consist of lots of family, food, fun, laughter, cheer, joy and lots more.

Then I read the Sermon on the Mount. I've been really challenged lately to live the Sermon on the Mount, not just read it on occasion. BUT TO LIVE IT OUT IN MY DAILY LIFE. I'm not one is great at keeping goals and meeting them. Meeting my goals in life is difficult. seriously.

Instead, I want to try as best I can to live this out. I think I might even read it every day too. I suppose that means when my mom asks me to clean, i need to do that. Or, forgive even when it seems like that's the last thing I want to do. You get the picture.

I feel like the last seven years or so I've read and read and talked and talked and strategized and strategized. BUT, when I get to the judgement seat of Christ, Jesus isn't going to ask me how much I talked about loving on people and changing. Instead, he's going to ask how did I love. What did I do to relieve the pain of the oppressed. How much did I give of myself.

On another note, I'm going to IHOP. That really excites me! I yearn to be transformed. And honestly. I can't take my heart and transform it. Neither can you. Hate to break it to you. We all can yield ourselves and open up to God, but we can't change us. Only Christ. Anyways, that's all I'm going to say about that!

Christmas is in four days. YIKES! Thankfully I basically have all my Christmas gifts DONE! Which feels good. I love Christmas morning. Best morning of the year by far! The best part is watching my family open up the gifts I gave to them. There's something about giving that is so rewarding. It brings e so much joy! I love this season.

To end, whoever you are that is reading this post, enjoy the special moments this Christmas season. Don't get super caught up in the decor and food, but enjoy your family and friends. And read the Christmas story. Remember why we are here and why we celebrate Christmas!

I finished this semester. And let me tell you. It's weird. But lovely. I'm in our family room and the Christmas lights are twinkling on the tree and mom and I are watching Gilmore Girls...just like old times. AND I inherited a whole bunch of vintage wool sweaters from grandma, so that's cool!

I'm ready for break.

Lots of reading

Lots of writing

Lots of painting

Lots of worshiping

Lots of looking for an internship

Lots of family time

Lots of food

Lots of photography

Lots of movies

Lots of prayer

And then there's Ireland!!! I can't wait! I was walking up the driveway and it finally dawned on me! I can't believe it!

Adios!

This morning/afternoon I'm at Madcap studying...or supposed to be studying anyway. I've been working on math for pretty much two hours straight and my brain hurts. I've declared it break time now.

This week is the last week before vacation...also known as finals week. It really hasn't been super intense or anything and I'm just really chill about it. I'm not sure if that is good or bad, but whatevs.

I have one more tomorrow morning before the sun comes up. Whose idea was that anyways? To have exams scheduled at 7 freakin 45? Really now.

On the otherhand, I've been wondering why I haven't woken up at 7 every morning this semester. You get so much done before 9 a.m. love it!

This time tomorrow I'll be done with school and cleaning my butt off! So much packing and cleaning and organizing. Oh dear, I'm making myself stressed out and overwhelmed. It wouldn't be so bad except that I leave for Ireland in less than four weeks. Leaving the country is always stressful. Although this is true, I like the idea of doing life simply for two weeks. And, it's traveling and I feel so blessed to get to go on two international trips in the span of six months. God is good!

OH! That brings to my next thing. I want an adventure this summer. I am going to try to not have to work at Stonewater again, although if it's God's will then let it be so. Anyways, I have many options here. My friends are taking a road trip to California. That would be amazing!!!!! OR, YWAM Chicago. That's all I've come up with thus far. If you have any other ideas for a summer adventure let me know! I'd love to hear some ideas!

And God continually has been reminding me that it is NOT about me. All that matters is Jesus. So, why worry about my math final tomorrow or this summer or worry about money? Jesus is all that matters! That's super refreshing for my soul and my heart...and well, all of me. None but Jesus.

Alright there's my quicky update for ya! Be blessed!!!

A Continuation of Sorts.

Okay. Post number two.

I just got done having a great conversation with a great friend! My oh my how God has given him wisdom. Wisdom of God that is rarely seen these days.

I've come to realize that our culture has this thing where we are all very opinionated and we hate correction. So, we have come to accept that everyone is right. Anyways, speaking truth and correction is not on people's priority list these days. That makes me absolutely sad to think about. How is it that we will ever grow or recognize our evilness and sin? Basically this friend corrected me and spoke truth in a loving manner and it was beautiful! Really, try it sometime.

I also didn't realize that there are so many things in my life that I idolize. Even really truly good things. I idolize prayer, and missions, and community...who knew?!?

I'm not sure how to articulate this really...basically I have mega idols in my life...we all do. Yes, you dear friends who are reading this have idols and bluntly speaking...they need to go.

My idols of what community really is, well, they need to die. Reality is Christ is it. He will always be it. I really don't need community. Christ is my strength. He is my rock. Granted, I'm not opposed to having friends. and mentors and people to support me and such. it's all good, but when I say I can't see God moving b/c I don't have my community, something has gone wrong. And not in God...no sir. In me. In my very own heart.

And missions. God can work here too. Not just in L.A. God is not in a box! He doesn't just roam the streets of London or Africa or India or New York. The creator of the universe holds us.

The sun doesn't rise and set by chance. God causes the sun to rise and set. It's not a snowpocolyse out there by chance. Nope. God lets it snow. I am not typing this and breathing by chance. No. NO NO NO. I am breathing because God is breathing into me the breath of life. How amazing is that!?!

So that's all I can remember for the time being. It's four in the morning and I need to get some sort of sleep. Church tomorrow.

Before I go though...this life is not about you or me. It's not what we can do for God. It's not about how much we pray or read our Bibles...although those are good healthy things. We are here because God choose us weak things to reveal and bring glory to his name. Don't ask me why. Well I know why. It's LOVE! The love of Christ has set us free from our wicked ways.

So tomorrow when you get up for church and are getting ready, try and develop the mindset that it doesn't matter if you smell good. It doesn't matter how you look or what you wear. It's about what's in our hearts. It's not about YOU OR ME! It's about the glory of God. The precious glory of God.

It's late. Like 1 in the morning and I'm still in my real clothes and have lots of energy. It's like last year all over again. Staying up late chatting with friends. Drinking tea and watching cheesy movies. And it's snowing. It's beautiful. Dangerous to drive in, but beautiful!

In 20 minutes I'm chatting with a friend, and I thought about starting homework, but it takes like ten minutes to set everything up and get mentally prepared....big waste of time. So I'm going to update. Since today was unusual to say the least.

This morning I woke up at the crack of dawn for Silent Retreat. A group of Cornerstone students went to a hermitage in Three Rivers. We spent about 7 hours in complete silence. Now, I am so not one for silence. I can't go five minutes without music, my phone, or some kind of back ground noise, but after weeks of being crazy busy I was looking forward to this immensely.

The first hour I slept. I was exhausted and needed to give my body some kind of rest. I think my body appreciated it a lot! Then I journaled. I haven't journaled journaled in weeks! I wrote out everything on my heart! So refreshing. Then I tried to read a book, and fell asleep. Yet the quiet presence of God was there. By some gracious miracle of God I didn't even think about school or the busyness. I never made a "to-do" list...gasp! Just me and God. No technology no music. Just me. And God. My oh my was it refreshing and good. We also worshiped and read liturgy together. We also partook in the sacraments. So beautiful and holy. It was sort of like a whole different world. It was like the twilight zone. I mean come on. Who has ever heard of Americans taking like 8 hours to do nothing and not talk or check e-mail?!? Well, not me until this retreat! I'm going to make this a daily occurrence. of course, not for 8 hours at a time, but for at least an hour. I spend that long playing bubble shooter and on facebook and where will that ever get me?

I was kind of sad to get back to school. Back to reality. Back to the pressures of life. One thing (of many) that I took away is that if I don't start positive habits now, when will I ever? I just have to be done saying I'll change tomorrow, ya know? I'm changing today!

A couple weeks ago a very good friend built me a wooden cross. So, even if I spend 10 minutes a day just pausing and sitting by it, that would do me a whole lot of good.

Terra Firma party.

Then I decided to have some relaxful fun tonight and my oh my it was great loads of fun! My very best friend Chelsie invited me over and so I trekked to her house in the snowglobe of weather! magical might I add and we sat on the floor and drank tea and ate junkfood and chocolate galore! Friends, she has quite the gift of hospitality! I love her! AHH! And we watched a cheese of a film. It was terrible. Terrible everything! It had Mary-Kate and Ashely Olsen in it, so that should tell you something! :) never again. What did I see in those movies anyways?

Anyways...after we looked at pretty vintagy things online and had the most refreshing conversation. So, this might have to be a two part post. This was longer than I expected! So, stay tuned!

There is this person in my life. This person is a man. This man and I were friends this summer and now we aren't. We've had our ups and downs. More downs than ups unforutantely.

This whole post is going to be what I would tell him if I could. Except it would be really mean, so I am going to write it here instead.

This man drives me crazy. I need to let go of him and move on. seriously. But, a part of me can't, because my mind roams back to the summer nights of long conversations over coffee. I miss those times. I miss the genuineness. I want those times back. And, he won't give them to me. He pushes me aside while he deals with the rest of his life. I am not longer someone important in his life. I am just a person. and that stings. a lot.

So, he's my brother in Christ. I am called to love him and serve him as Christ does. But I can tell you right now that he's not worth it. Not worth the pain. Not worth my time. Not worth the energy or anxiety.

And that's that.

The end of the semester is slowly wrapping up. I have one more day of classes, and three days of finals to go. In God's miraculous grace I'm not even super stressed. I have no idea how that is, but praise God I'm not!!!

I've been having YWAM on my heart again lately. It's there and I can't ignore it. But it's difficult, because there are so many aspects to figure out and it's hard discerning what and where God wants me. I know that if I chose to finish school and then do YWAM God would work through that. OR, if I chose to do YWAM after this school year and then finished school...God could work through that. It's just that my faith seems to be all over the place these days. I am far from consistent in my walk and that's frustrating. I don't know what I want to do with my life. I am in that process of seeking direction. CU is getting small and it's hard for me to justify living here and my lifestyle and all that jazz.

And so, I shall resume covering this in prayer.

This weekend is the last weekend I work at Panera. PRAISE GOD! Saturday I have a silent retreat. And Wednesday I'll be home for Christmas! Just like the song! :)

If I have experienced anything this week it's that God is a God of mercy and love. So cliche, but true. I make these awful mistakes and I sin and am selfish and yet God is still intensely in love with me. He yearns for me. He wants me. He still blesses me and speaks and uses. Someway. Somehow. I will never understand that. Ever ever ever.

That's all for today. Busy busy busy day ahead of me.

I thought I would write before I go into the next crazy part of my day.

The last few days have been stressful, overwhelming, difficult and many other not so pretty adjectives. I've let go, I've conquered, I've wished, I've cried, I've been sorry, I've made mistakes.

I'm thinking that is as far as I'm going to go, because everything is in the past and I can only look forward.

Today has been really good! Philosophy actually made sense...for once. Definite plus! I was really productive! Finished my exegesis! Praise God!

Today was also good in the sense that I was reminded of God's gracious faithfulness! He is so extremely good and faithful and worthy to be praised. I'm also continually realizing that I need grace. I try to take things into my own hands and go with the flow.

A friend of mine made me a cross and I use it quite a bit when I'm praying. Or if I am simply walking through the room it is a really good reminder that Jesus paid it all. But really as I'm praying it's awesome to cast my anxiety and worry at the foot of the cross.

And you know what is really hard to let go of? Friends that mean a lot to you. That's tough. I'm learning that ever so slowly.

alright. Not a super dramatic posting, but I have to go to class.

It has been a real long day. Worst weekend I've had in a long time. I don't know if I can face going back to work next weekend.
Today is one of those days where life just empties you of all you've got. But, tomorrow is a new day. Praise God! Tomorrow will be a good day. One where I will have a chance to be strong and confident. Which is so hard! I have so many insecurities and it's hard to just simply put them behind you.

Life is hectic and crazy and I have to tell ya, God has been convicting me of how I use my time. I'm not sure where I'm going with this exactly. But, I need to rid my life of things.

And that's that.

School is a the point of being blah....Homework is at that point of being boring and I am so unmotivated.

Hence the fact that this week was a little unadventurous and it feels like I did nothing to help my grades or intelligence, I am making decision right now to have a good attitude. About everything and anything. I don't care if some of you all say that's not possible. Well for me it will be.

Tonight when I go into work I am going to have a good attitude. I am going to work my very hardest. I pray that through my life God would be praised!

Tomorrow when I work again, I am going to enjoy it and live it up. I am going to serve and love those that walk through Panera's doors. They are children of the King!

Not that this will be hard to enjoy, but when have a sister and sister's friends sleepover I am going to relish it!

This weekend will contain two somewhat adrenaline rushing talks...I am going to bring praise to the Lord through those. Life is to short to have a negative, bitter attitude.

I have an exegetical due next Wednesday. That's right friends, I am going to not dread it, but live up this great challenge and do and try my hardest.

Philosophy test. I am going to give it my all. I can't go back. I can't make up the missed notes and hours of studying. I just can't. But I am determined to try my very best.

Academia may not be my strong suit in life, but God still has given me a mind and I am determined to use it to His glory.

Remember that verse in Corinthians that talks about God using the weak. Well that's me. I'm weak! I fail and make mistakes and fail some more. Yet, somehow by God's grace and never ending mercy and love, He uses me. Blows my mind to China!

So that's Friday's rant....adios.

Well Done.

I've written a lot lately. I have so much to say these days!!! Goodness! And so I'll start at the beginning.

Today is December 1st. I woke up earlier then usual, which by the way, I LOVE. I know it's weird, but I always feel so productive when I wake up before 8! And I love the quietness of the morning! Also I am not able to use the bathroom until about a half hour before class starts, so I decided to wake up at 7:24 instead! Great idea! Well sort of. My whole intention was to do my devotions over breakfast, but that didn't happen. I walked out into the hall and opened the door to walk down the stairs and I see snow! And not just a few flakes floating through the cold, winter air. No my friends...the whole campus was covered in snow!

So I walk to breakfast enraptured with the flakes and crunchy snow! :) I actually had bumped into two friends and sat down and enjoyed their company for about forty minutes. It was relaxing! I sipped hot cocoa and we spent the morning laughing. Second best way to start your day!

Math. Enough said.

Went to chapel. It was beautiful! I sat in my chair and looked around and was surrounded by friends friends friends! I felt so incredibly blessed! I love worshiping with the CU community! The speaker was a pastor from Ada Bible. He spoke on Isaiah 9. He talked mainly about how Jesus came to earth as the Wonderful Counselor, Prince of Peace, Mighty God, and Everlasting King...something along those lines.

And my oh my! God spoke to me. Right. to. the. core. To the very depths that I didn't even know were there! :)

The pastor man goes, "So if you have ever surrendered and let go and given your problem to God then know that God's pleasure is upon you! He says ''well done'!"

well done.

You have no idea how freeing that was for me to hear.

Listen people. I am not intelligent. I make so many mistakes! I have screwed up relationship after relationship after relationship. seriously. I'm a sinner. broken. And yet God says well done. How amazing is that!?! I felt the pleasure and love of Christ so heavily on me!

The school year started really not so great. To put it nicely. It was a really dark sad season. But Joy broke through that. And I found freedom. Not by my own strength or power or might, but by the graciousness of God!

The "well done" statement is freeing for me because I felt like I needed to become more free and more surrendered before God could ever work. Not true. Lies from the pits of hell.

God is working in my heart and He is moving and He loves me despite my humaneness.

And friends, He loves you too. So much. You could never do anything that would separate you from His divine, beautiful love. He calls you beloved. He says, "well done."

So that was my blessed morning.

The afternoon was pretty good too. I ate lunch! Also good friend time! Went to the Corum to get work done. I sat by the fire. Trust me, it's not as lovely as it sounds. I sat by a fireplace. I wished the fire place was actually turned on though, because I love sitting by a fire when it's snowing and blizzardy! I spent a lot of time in the word. Reading different parts of God's mightyness.

I've started this project. I'm reading the bible in six months. I know, there are pros and cons to this, but I'm doing it mostly to be in the word and have a guide.

Then finished math. ICM. Dinner. snow. I've since decided that I dislike driving in the snow. yep. it's true. not so friendly and innocent on the road.

Youth group which was really good! Got to pray with a few teens. Another moment in youth group history that makes you get warm fuzzies and God gently reminds you why you are there. These kids are truly amazing. They have this hunger for more and more and more of God and aren't satisfied with their faith. Ahh! love it.

Sherpa party. Dear me! I feel like I'm in fifth grade writing in my diary. Except this one doesn't have a lock. :)

That was my day. I decided I'm really bad at doing homework. I don't think academia is my area of expertise. Not that I just figured that out. I really want to find something I'm super talented at!

Anyways, God uses me, the weak one. That's amazing!

Alrighty, nighty night!

Being Formatted...Spiritually.

Tonight spiritual formation was epic! Maybe epic is the wrong word exactly, but it definitely was totally what I needed to hear. Professor Bustrum began by talking about "The Dark Night of the Soul," referring to spiritual highs and lows. First to note, I am for sure in a "spiritually low" season of life. One that is dry and seemingly lifeless. As my professor puts it, "it's like I am in a tomb, and God is absent." I can't feel Him, hear Him, see Him, touch Him.

And I can see myself slipping back and going back to the old ways of life. It's not fun, but I have this great answer!

Adam was created. He went all around the garden and never found relationship. He was lonely. He longed for pleasure, for someone, something. God solved that problem real fast and made Eve!

Before I started wholeheartedly seeking out Jesus and became a committed Christian I tried to fill my void by looking at porn and seeking out the attention of guys and even girls. I lived this ugly double life. I tried money, materialism, media...those sorts of things.

Then I came to know Jesus. Usually when we come to know Christ we have this crazy passion and pleasure is found in following Jesus. We look forward to reading out Bible and praying and loving others and serving and our views have changed and our relationship change for the good. We look forward to church!

And then that flame dies. We wonder why God has left us. Why he has forsaken us. If you can picture God showering down pleasure and passion on us, well that's what it looks like basically. But then God takes that bottle of pleasure and passion away.

Before I explain this matter further ask yourselves why you go to God. If you hear people on Sundays pray or even if you search your own life you might come across something similar to my experience. For me I tend to pray prayers that are focused on me. "God, heal me of this. God get me this job. Lord provide for this. Restore this person." You get the picture.

Well my dear friends. That is not why we are here. That is not what we are created for. Oh, and by the way, sometimes for me praying those types of prayers leave me empty also. We are not created to worship anything other than God alone!

We go to church and Evensong for pleasure don't we? I look forward to church because I am eager to see what God has for ME. I go to Evensong because I'm excited for some good community. God actually really wants us to worship for HIS sake. NOT OURS.

And so He takes away the bottle.

God wants us during these desert times to fill our void with the Holy Spirit.

So, I understand why I'm in this season of life. I'm beginning too. God has really been opening my heart and eyes to interesting things that are quiet helpful. Divine understanding is what I like to call it.

So yeah, my motives need to change. Because they have been so focused on me. I'm on a journey to see what happens when my focus is on God completely. I feel it's going to be hard. But so worth it! I need to keep being in the Word and in prayer and being. Being with Jesus. Communing with my Savior.

So that's it. I'm going to actually eat breakfast tomorrow morning, so I need to go to bed. Thanks for listening! :)

If I said I had completely let go, I'm afraid I'd be wrong. I haven't. I try to get away from it, but I can't. It's impossible.

The same tune is in every song, every building, every car ride, every person.

Besides that...

The desire to be in the Word or prayer is completely quenched. The longing is completely gone. I haven't actually been in the Word and prayer for a long long time. Like a whole week in a half! And the scary thing is, I'm okay with that.

I'm searching for the reality of God. I don't know if it's laziness, but every time I think of God it's like these walls go up. I'm sure I'm supposed to learn something from this, but I can't quite put my finger on it exactly. The joy to live is not there. I sit on Facebook all day. I let myself go. I don't care about anyone anymore it feels like. I have no idea what I am doing in ministry. What I am doing at CU. What I am doing with my life.

I don't know where to go from here.

Okay in Hebrews it talks about how faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. Right? Right. So then how does feeling play into that? Because I believe in God, but then I can't seem to feel God or hear God. I also think to the subject of marriage. Marriage is between a man and a woman. At first it's butterrflies and love and rainbows and horses that are white. There are the feelings. The girl falls weak at the knees with every glance from her man. Need I go further?

Anyways, the point is their relationship starts off with feelings. But as it progresses the feelings are gone, but their love is somehow still there (I truly believe for real genuine love, Christ must be the center!). Love I suppose is not mere feelings, because those are fleeting. Love is action. It's a sacrifice for something greater than yourself. It's serving your husband or wife even when you don't really want too. It's sitting down and talking to a friend. You get the picture.

So is our relationship with Christ like this too? I think as in any relationship, the feelings always will come and go. Sometimes we have to get down to the simple basics of a relationship to find the beauty in it once again.

Tonight I had the privilege of talking some life issues out with my cousin. It was...refreshing. That's the best word. My soul was absolutely, positively refreshed to the uttermost. praise God!

The main thing he talked to me about was that nothing in life is really as bad as we make it. It's never that negative. God created me. He made me with these feelings. He made me this way. He freakin' created me! He knows that what I'm going through is a good thing. It's a chance to get closer to God. God's like, "Yes! This time is a beautiful time for me and Lauren to grow closer to each other. She has to trust me!"

This too shall pass.

The present is perfect.

This dry season will pass. It's a chance to remain faithful to Christ. Like a husband is faithful to his wife. What a beautiful picture!

Another thing we talked about was that of living life to the fullest. I have so much stress from being so task-oriented! If you have ever been in my dorm room you know that I love sticky notes! And planners! I like being organized. a lot. That's alright though, but when I'm always thinking and being consumed by what needs to get done tomorrow and tonight and stressing over philosophy and math, well that's when it's not healthy. That's when stress encompasses me. That's when I get burnt out. I miss out on the present and what I'm learning. I miss out on the lives of others and what God is doing. So, tonight I'm going to enjoy movie night with my family and I'm not going to think about tomorrow. I'm going to relax and enjoy myself.

This day sure has took a turn for the better. It's so good to hear that living for God is so worth it and that God is faithful! It's super encouraging!!!! It's ALRIGHT to have these feelings. It's OKAY to walk through these places. I didn't do anything wrong. It's not a punishment, instead it's another season to grow and mature in my faith.

Alright I've exhausted you all, but I hope that maybe this is encouraging in the least.

God is GOOD. All PRAISE, HONOR, and GLORY to God the Father!!!

It's sad how busy my life has gotten. And not just sad, but exhausting in a lot of ways. On the way to work this morning I actually turned down the radio and spent time talking to God. Bascially, I asked God to give me the strength to say "no," and grace to give up things next semester that clutter my life. I am not so sure God ever meant for us to work our butts off everyday. I was thinking tonight about the people I know who are always working. How tired they must get. How passionless and old life must get.

I don't want to go through my days checking things off my schedule in hopes for a well rounded resume and a great job. I want to enjoy life to the fullest. I want to stop in the middle of a hectic day and paint. I want to come home on the weekends after work and bake some tasty treats. I want to have time to actually sit down and talk to friends. I want to take time everyday to actually be in the Word and talk to God. I also want to do well in my leaderships positions. I also want to do well in school. I hate rushing through things!

Really, all I want is JOY back. Being happy is so fleeting. JOY is real and genuine. Maybe what I am going through is in fact a desert season. Whatever is going on I have to keep pressing on. I'm in this race and I want to win the Prize.

God, fill my life with copious amounts of Your joy, or your love, of your grace! You are so good God. I am so blessed! You are so faithful and majestic and so wonderfully powerful! Thank you for these challenges. Thank you for picking us up when we fail and makes huge mistakes and hurt people and hurt ourselves. Thank you for being there Jesus to hold our hand and walk through these valley's with us. You are so lovely. You are so good.

I love you.

Your Daughter,

Lauren

"Cast ALL of your burdens on Him because He cares for you!"

The Seemingly Large, Concrete Wall.

I made it to Thanksgiving..almost. Only by the Grace of God. Seriously. I really don't know how I made it here. The semester has been insanely insane. I'm ready for it to be over. And oh my goodness it just dawned on me that I am going to Ireland! I know, it's ridiculous that I would forget something like that, but like I said, life is insane.

I love Thanksgiving, well most of the time. This year, I feel will be different and depressing. I don't know why exactly.

So I have this wall in my heart. I hate walls, especially those that are emotional or spiritual. The stupid walls need to come down. It's sort of like I can't feel anymore. It's like my heart won't let God in. I don't like that. At all. I want the walls to come down down down! They don't belong there whatsoever! It's also quite difficult, because my life doesn't contain hurdles and pain at the moment. You could say it is a joyful season (even though I can't even feel the freakin' joy!!!). I need pain in my life. I need to be broken...again and again and again! That's where I want to be!

I don't want pain for the sake of pain. That's dumb. duh! It's in those moments where I am full and God is so very near. Not that He isn't here with me as I write this or am full of joy, but I'm so tired of being stagnant. I want that vibrant faith. One that is actually alive. I feel like I go with the flow and I am doing my duty as a college student. I don't like that. God has placed me in positions of leadership and I want to learn and embrace them. I want to bring Him glory in my life. In every aspect. When I'm sitting in Philosophy class or at Panera doing the "line." Or in my dorm room with my roommate. You get the picture. God is good. God is working. I do know this, but I need my heart changed.

I know that's weird. I don't feel that longing, but I know in my mind that I need change, because I've tasted and I've seen the goodness of the Lord. It's so good!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AHHH!!!!! I wonder if it's bad that my heart and mind aren't in unison? Hmmmm...

okay it is now officially time to wrap up this day and blow this popcsicle stand!

20 before 21

Wow...it's been a long while since I last updated this thing. Life is ridiculously (maybe even unhealthy) busy. It's been one thing right after the other! I'm getting to the point where I'm tired of being tired and I want some peace in life.

I really need to learn how to say "no." seriously. The word no and I need to become the best of friends. Yet, somehow by the grace of God I have energy and (on most days) and exuberance to get out of bed and do something with my life. I have decided that tonight

Something new in my life that has been scary, challenging, and maybe even fun is starting a new job at Panera. I'll tell you more about that later!

This week I have been thinking about how scary it is that Thanksgiving is already here! Three days away! Which of course means there are about two weeks left in the semester! Crazy! Seriously, where does the freakin' time go?

Now, this got me thinking. Do I really fly through life because I have no other choice? NO! (there's that word again). I want to live and experience life and do things! I was reading a couple blogs and they each made a list of what they want to do before their next birthdays.

Granted my21st birhtday is about 6 months away, but there's no time like the present, right? Right.

I'm going to attempt to make a list of 2o things to do before my 21st birthday.

1. Practice my painting skills

2. Discover more music

3. Sew a dress

4. Make a new desert or pastry once a month

5. Spend time everyday being quiet

6. Buy a type writer and write letters to people

7. Do really well in school next semester

8. Learn about Ireland and C.S. Lewis before January 8

9. (This really should be first, but I feel like Jesus should encompass and be a part of each one of these things.) I want to continue growing intimately in love with Christ.

10. Read the whole Bible

11. Find hip coffee shoppes in GR

12. Learn to be content

13. Buy an DSLR camera

14. Eat more protein

(this is getting difficult)

15. Go to India

16. Learn how to be a good daughter, sister, friend, mentor, leader, etc...

17. Read all of my books on my booklist

18. Spend time in prayer for LIFE on a daily basis

19. Go to Omega House to pray more regulary

20. Get rid of Facebook once and for all!

Yep. there it is. It will be interesting to see if I can actually do any of this faithfully. I hope so.

Right now I'm sitting in the Corum nd it's is pouring down rain. I mean a huge down pour! I love rain though. Some people find it a nuisance, but I love it! It's soothing. It's healing. It's lovely and warm.

Okay, well homework is calling.

Be blessed dear friends. OH! And in the spirit of Thanksgiving don't forget to think about what you are thankful for and all of the blessings God has blessed you with. We have more than we think we do.

L

Today is splendidly beautiful! I am all cozy with my hat, scarf, Regina Specktor, hot chocolate and of course, my turtle neck.

It's a good day.

Tonight I and a whole bunch of other superly cool teens are heading up north for a Fall Retreat. It will be cold, but awesome! Seriously these kids are super cool! They are SOO much fun. But besides that I'm excited to see how God moves. I'm not sure. The thing I have begun to learn is that I need to stop expecting big big big things to happen. When this does go down I usually miss out on the small things. I don't want to miss out.

This afternoon will consist of lots of prayer. And if you feel impressed, it'd be cool if you said a quicky prayer for us all.

It will be great...as long as we don't freeze to death. I'm not planning on it. I survived Toronto. I can for sure survive Traverse City.

Anyways, it's time go. People to see places to be.

Toronto Number Two.

I hate negativity. I avoid conflict at all cost and stray from the pain in life.

It was brought to my attention by someone who actually lives in Regent Park that, my post was not an accurate portrayal of the city.

So, I'm going to write about the positivity I saw. They ways I saw God work this last weekend.

1. Getting us there and back.

2. It was beautiful how so many nations and ethnicities came together peacefully in one city. They all got along. The streets were filled with Jamacian restaurants, and Mexican and Italian and Greek. It was spectacular!!!!!!!!!!!!! That's how it should be.

3. I loved the charming, old buildings that stood on the streets.

4. I loved the people. I loved that they are so willing to be open with you and chat for a while.

5. I loved that God began breaking my heart more and more for the hurting people of the world and Grand Rapids.

6. The missionaries were absolutely amazing!

7. I saw God as redeemer. I saw him as provider. I saw him as Love. Even in the dark times.

That's all for now. God is good and I believe he is raising up people in Toronto and breaking through the evil. He is good and worthy to be praised above ALL else.

God is good Eh?

Hello!

I am back from Toronto. And I have a few minutes (not in philosophy by the way) to update you on this interesting trip.

We drove all Friday afternoon and got there around 8ish. We went to this amazing Jamaican restaurant! It was the bomb!!!!!!!!! Then we went on this prayer tour through the city. We saw the good, the bad, the ugly. No lies right here. It was insane. We drove down the worst street in all of Toronto. It was terrible. We saw the corner where high sex trafficking takes place and we saw the corner where low trafficking occurs. Basically a lot of terrible things take place on this road. We saw Regent Park where a lot of affordable housing is. We saw the "fifth avenue" of Toronto.

It's terribly sad

It's like this. We all agreed that whatever way you look at it rich people and poor people have addictions that are heart breaking. The poor may have addictions to porn or drugs, but rich people have this addiction to material goods and wealth that gives them a five minute high.

We prayed for Toronto. Oddly, my heart was brought back to Grand Rapids. It's wierd considering we were there for these Canadians that are desperately in need of the Grace of the Father. Yet, my heart broke for our city.

Saturday we literally woke up at the crack of dawn. We ate, did devotions. Then we went to "The Good Shepherd." It's the equalivalent of Guiding Light Mission. It's a men's shelter and all of them are homeless. It's heartbreaking. I met a beautiful woman named Annette there.

Then we went and made beds. Next we ate some good Greek food. After we went to St. Lawrence Market. Objective: love on some people. Delaney and I found young woman who was sitting by herself waiting for her mom so we went and talked to her. She had to leave so we walked and came across a man on the sidewalk. He had a guitar and suitcase in tow. It naturally fell over, so we ran and picked it up.

This then spurned an hour of him talking to us and explaining that "Canadians LOVE Americans to death! We do. We really do. But we hate your government." And so we listened to him tell us this ten different ways. It was quite humorous.

Then we did a street walk. I don't even know what to say about this. I can't hardly fathom a 13 year old running away and going to a big city such as Toronto. It's incredible. So, if any of you want to run away...please don't. Trust me. Not a good situation.

It's sad. I do not even know how to say it.

Four years ago, when my family and I went to visit it for vacation I didn't like it then, and I don't like it now. It has it's charming aspects, but it's mostly just incredibley sad. The streets are lined with sex shops, porn shops, strip clubs, massage rooms, liquor stores, and other things that I don't want to know. It's unbelievable.

Then Sunday we cleaned and made beds at the shelter. We then headed to a Filippon Church. That was quite the adventure. I missed a lot of the sermon, because I definitely fell asleep. Missions= very little sleep. I'm beginning to learn this firsthand. Then ate some some interesting food.

Then HOMEEEE!!!!!!!!!!

I so want God to break my heart more and more for this city. There is so much pain and sin and evil. I want to bring LIFE and see the Lord move drastically!!!

I know this will take a lot of persistent prayer. I'm willing.

Anyways, that was my trip.

Dear Friends,

I know I'm a blog nerd. I update way freakin to much!

My sister wanted me tell you that she got to go to college with me today. We are currently sitting here in New Testament waiting for Professor Mohrman to come to class. Yep...and in two hours I depart from school for

......................TORONTO. Land of maple syrup, Canadians and Bacon!

Alright I'm peacin' out. See ya'll lata!

Be blessed this weekend and keep your eyes on Jesus.

L

Off to Toronto today! The land of maple sugar, hockey, and the french language...mayne? I could be wrong on that one!

It shall be beautiful. I"m pumped to go serve some superly awesome people on the streets. They need some lovin' especially in the freakin sub zero weather. It's freezing!

Copious Amounts of God's Joy and Peace and Love.

Dear lovely people who read this,

Despite the grayness and cloudy, overcast day; it sure has been beautiful!
So it goes like this. God pretty much is amazing! It's true. He has awakened in me a new joy for life.
Writing post after post about how depressing life is, is simply getting old. I have been beyond blessed!
Just because my dear professor for New Testament says we are here to study...does not mean we are banned from expieriencing the sweetness of life. I'm so freakin' excited about life!

Today has been so filled with JOY. This morning was filled with beautiful friends and hot chocolate and scripture.

Failed philosopy midterm.. I've since decided that philosophy lowers my self-esteem.

Then ran back to my dorm and chillaxed while waiting for mom.

What a beautiful afternoon with my dear mother. She felt impressed by the Holy Spirit to go to Panera, so we walk in and two seconds later this lady was like, "So, would you like the job you interviewed for?" And I was like, "Heck yes I would!" Praise Jesus for that! He is so good and worthy of all the heart-filled praise and thanksgiving I have!

Ate, fellowshipped, and shopped. My sweet mom gave me two early Christmas presents. I got these awesomely awesome brown leather vintagey looking boots. And, a teal coat. Teal is cool. Red is cooler.

Bible study tonight with some freaking, ridiculosly cool people!

Oh, I've decided to take up baking. Now, my history with baking/and cooking/...really anything to do with an oven, has actually not turned out right. I messed up pineapple upside down cake and it wasn't even in the oven. I set it on a burner that was still hot!

But I'm giving it one more try. Especially since I'm having a huge craving for chocolately goodness!

peace and blessings,

Lauren

I feel slightly guilty that I don't really care about philosophy and I really don't want to be in class. So here I am. Updating...why not?

Currently there is a Tornado Warning in effect and we are required to take shelter immediately. There is severe weather in effect till tomorrow night! Crazy. It's fun though, because it's exciting. Very rarely do we have severe weather..unless it's a blizzard!

Anyways, it's exciting, although I have no food so hopefully it doesn't last too long.

I'm not really sure what to write today. It seems like I repeat myself over and over and over.

This weekend was fantastic! I have really gotten into taking the bus recently. Mainly because I love meeting interesting people. Last Saturday I decided to take the bus into the city and head to Madcap to have some coffee and get work done. I spent a couple hours there and headed back to the transit station. I found my bus and realized quickly that I missed my bus by two minutes. On the weekends the buses come in one hour increments. Basically I had a whole hour to sit there.

There was an elderly woman sitting there and so I decided to get to know her. She is the sweetest old lady! Her name is Elaine and she lives in the North West side of GR. She is on disability and comes from a low income family.

I began asking about her life. I asked her about her children and she took great pride in telling me about them. Somewhere in there she mentioned she went to church. I asked her what church and she told me. I asked how she became a Christian. She quickly got really excited and told me that she had to start from the beginning.

When she was 14 she became a Christian. A few years later she got married, but much to her dismay her husband was abusive. It wasn't clear if they got divorced or not. She had six kids and I she realized she was cycling weird and spotting. She went to the doctor and found out she had cervical cancer. During her recovery her husband made her do too much and she had to go in for more surgeries because she ruptured her ovaries.

Today she has many health issues and back problems which result in constant pain. Yet she still had a smile on her face. She told me, "Lauren, I have been through hard times, but God has been in it all. He has walked through this every step of the way. He is good."

She was quite inspiring. I got on the bus and we rode together and before she got off she told me she would be praying for me. And I have been praying for her.

Just to note...I met and elderly man. She gave me a big smile and when we got on the bus he sat down next to me. Before he got off he looked at me and told me to be home by midnight :). That made me smile.

I was really encouraged and inspired. And, I went to Bridgestreet and it was so beautiful. The focus was freedom and of course, that's been something I have had on my heart lately.

Sunday morning church was beautiful. Pastor Joe preached on being a multicultural church. One of the things that stuck out to me the most was when he mentioned that the Bible makes no reference to one's color, but to their ethnicity. Who they are. Where they are from.

And Evensong! Oh my lands! It was powerful! That's all I'm going to say. God was at work and He continues to be at work. It's great.

This week my Inter-Cultural Mandate class is heading to Toronto, Canada! I'm not completely sure what we are going to be doing. But I'm really excited to see what God is going to do in each of our hearts.

That's my week basically. School, homework, school. And God at the center. There's that conviction. I should have listened in Philosophy.

Anyways, God is good all the time. And all the time He is good.

Psalm 34

I will extol the LORD at all times;
his praise will always be on my lips.

² My soul will boast in the LORD;
let the afflicted hear and rejoice.

³ Glorify the LORD with me;
let us exalt his name together.

⁴ I sought the LORD, and he answered me;
he delivered me from all my fears.

⁵ Those who look to him are radiant;
their faces are never covered with shame.

⁶ This poor man called, and the LORD heard him;
he saved him out of all his troubles.

⁷ The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him,
and he delivers them.

⁸ Taste and see that the LORD is good;
blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.

⁹ Fear the LORD, you his saints,
for those who fear him lack nothing.

¹⁰ The lions may grow weak and hungry,
but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing.

¹¹ Come, my children, listen to me;
I will teach you the fear of the LORD.

¹² Whoever of you loves life
and desires to see many good days,

¹³ keep your tongue from evil
and your lips from speaking lies.

¹⁴ Turn from evil and do good;
seek peace and pursue it.

¹⁵ The eyes of the LORD are on the righteous
and his ears are attentive to their cry;

¹⁶ the face of the LORD is against those who do evil,
to cut off the memory of them from the earth.

¹⁷ The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them;
he delivers them from all their troubles.

¹⁸ The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

¹⁹ A righteous man may have many troubles,
but the LORD delivers him from them all;

²⁰ he protects all his bones,
not one of them will be broken.

²¹ Evil will slay the wicked;
the foes of the righteous will be condemned.

²² The LORD redeems his servants;
no one will be condemned who takes refuge in him.

Time is Running Out.

Tonight my heart is restless.

I want something more. I am not content with my life. I'm not content where my spiritual life is going for starters. And it scares me, because as long as I'm in school I'll be busy. In fact living here, busyness is the plan for my life. The world has my future planned out.

I can't find God here. Maybe it's that I'm not looking hard enough. I believe God is all around me. But I can't find him in the midst of all my stuff. I can't find him in the busyness of my life. I can't find Him in the emotional baggage that I've carried for years. I'm beginning to let go of that all, but it's still there. Everything reminds me of him. And so, I'm learning to cope. I'm learning to deal with it. slowly. But then again, slow is better than nothing.

It's just I'm not happy here. Not genuinely happy. I can't find that joy I had in Guat. or that joy I had in Ecuador, loving on those people, and their simple way of living. I miss not taking showers. and living with only a few belongings. I miss that genuine community. I miss living in a tent in the middle of nowhere.

How come I am told that right now the only place I can find God is at CU? Why is that? This is not the only way.

I have to get out of here. I need to breathe. Time is running out. I long to have a purpose. I love to find God.

I can't find Him here. I am sick of finding God in dainty little bites here and there! I am SO freakin sick of that! I want to see the power of God revealed. The heart of God revealed. I long to see God. I want more of God.

I'm about to burst. God where do I go? Where do I go? Where are you?

I smelled Ecuador tonight. Walking through the parking lot at Woodland. I stepped outside and I smelled it. And my heart longed to go back. My heart longed for a purpose. I refuse to go on living like this. I know that God is moving. And maybe I can't take it all dumped on me. I don't know.

I am so extremely discontent if you couldn't already tell. I have to do something. I can't sit here and pretend it's all okay. I don't particularly want to be in this spiritual state the rest of my life.

It's so terrible being in this state of mind. I can't even begin to tell you what God's heart on this is and where my heart is.

It's been a while.

God is slowly moving in my life. He continues to shape me and bring me into freedom. Last Monday I was at home and I was feeling really down and depressed and so naturally I talked it out with a couple friends. Basically they both bluntly told me that I had to let go. And I had to do it now.

I then talked about my life with my dad and he said the same thing.

I began to realize that the past is the past. I can't go back. I can't un-do what has been done. I choose to leave the past. Everything that has happened in the last decade is gone. It's shredded and it's dead. It has no power over me.

That's really quite freeing. I'm letting go and moving forward. Because God is on the move. And I don't want to miss out. I'm not going to be stuck in the past.

Life is quite the journey. It's not terribly easy to say the least. But it's so good. It's so good living in the will of God and striving after Him. Such a beautiful place to be.

What does it take to let go of the past? Last week I had two people tell me that my solution was to stop coming up with solutions to my problems. Instead, to simply go with the flow. First, I have no idea how to do that. How does one let old habits go? Second, there comes a point where the end is in sight. There are too many things from my past that are holding me back.

I'd love to be able to look forward for once. Ya know? Remember that the past made you who you are, but move on. The chains of the past need to be broken someday. I guess that's the journey I am on this season of life. Learning to be okay. Slowly I'm getting there.

slowly.

I haven't written in a while, and I have a good ten minutes until I have to listen intently, so I thought now would be as good a time as ever to update everyone or no one.

The last week or so has been quite the roller coaster. I got sick last week and went home for the weekend. It was wonderful to be home. Home is quiet. Home is peaceful. I love going home. It was a refreshing few days that flew by. It was so nice to REST. I never intentionally relax and this week I've really started taking advantage of resting.

God created rest. He knows that our minds and bodies can only take so much and I for one feel almost burnt out.

And school has been frustrating. It's like I can't quite understand the material and everything won't click. But once again, I've begun learning another lesson on identity. My identity is not in school. It's not in my vocation. It's not in my grades. It's not in what school I have chosen to go to.

My identity is solely in Christ alone.

Which brings me to my next point.

Every Thursday morning a friend and I have coffee and meet together for a couple hours to hold each other accountable, pray, and be in the Word. It's wonderful! I love it. I've realized the beauty of getting into the Word with others and how beautiful that really is!

We read 1 Corinthians chapter 1. Here's a section of the text that really spoke directly to me. ..

"Where is the one who is wise? Where is the scribe? Where is the debater of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world? For since, in the wisdom of God, the world did not know God through wisdom, it pleased God through the folly of what we preach to save those who believe. For Jews demand signs and Greeks seek wisdom, but we preach Christ crucified, a stumbling block to Jews and folly to Gentiles, but to those who are called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God. For the foolishness of God is wiser than men, and the weakness of God is stronger than men.

"For consider your calling, brothers: not many of you were wise according to worldly standards, not many were powerful, not many were of noble birth. But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are, so that no human being might boast in the presence of God. And because of him you are in Christ Jesus, who became to us wisdom from God, righteousness and sanctification and redemption, so that, as it is written, “Let the one who boasts, boast in the Lord.”

When reading this, it probably is mostly self-explanatory. Right? But what's comforting and beautiful is the fact that God uses those who are WEAK to shame the STRONG. I'm not saying this in a condoning way. Not at all. My point is probably an obvious one, but I'll try and explain it in "Lauren terms."

Being at Cornerstone is far from easy. It's tough. It's frustrating. Everyone has such good ideas and everyone seems so intelligent and their good at school. I have always had troubles concerning school and such. It's difficult. A majority of American teenagers and early twenties lives is school.

Some days I feel like I"m here to fill space. Like, I don't really have a gift. I'm not good at anything. And that's hard. I feel inferior and so dumb at times. I get so down on myself.

But reading that verse this morning and stopping and digging into it, was SO good. If anything, I believe God will use my weakness in school for His GLORY.

And that, that is comforting. That brings me a great sense of peace.

Until next time.

And throw off the sin that so easily entangles you.

It is unbelievable how fast you get sucked into the world's ways. The last month I gave up Facebook. It was SO good for me,and then yesterday I put it back up. You all have no idea how badly I just want it to disappear, but I justify everything.

Recently, I've chosen to take a season to focus on God and remain in that consistency. I want this to be a catalyst for the rest of my life. You have no idea how badly I want to be content. Content with who I am. Content with being single. I long to let go completely.

You have no idea how much I tend to get sucked into gossip and drama. I hate it. I despise it. I feel the Spirit convicting and I don't choose LIFE. I choose death. I choose to talk about others and judge them.

I give so much time to watching TV and being on the internet. I want to let all these things go. But something holds me back.

You have no idea how much I want the chains in my heart to fall off. I SO want to walk in the FREEDOM of CHRIST.

I long for my pride to be put to death, so the love of Christ can flow through me. I want to explode, but I am so brought down by the world.

I can relate to Paul. He says" For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate."

I hate what I do. Yet, I do it anyway. Sometimes it seems just as easy to move to Africa with only the clothes on your back and your faith. Yet I am called here. To Cornerstone University for such a time as this. Maybe this is the safe place to try new things, to let things go, to die to the flesh.

it's not that it's a terrible travesty to watch TV once in a while or have a Facebook, but when it consumes you, then we have a problem. These things are used for the glory of God, but for me focus is hard. In order to truly focus on the Lord, I believe I need to kill some things in my life.

It's kind of exciting being on this journey. It's fun. I'm sure some of you think I'm crazy, and maybe i am. But I, and a few other people in the world, can attest that another world is possible. They would tell you that following Christ is the most fulfilling thing. It is good to follow Christ...obviously...or else I wouldn't waste time figuring out my life and getting on my knees every day.

I've figured out that following Christ is worth it. I really have. The thing I'm struggling with is how? How does one genuinely follow Christ as a college student? It truly is a journey let me tell you. But it's so good!!!!!!!

It's hard sometimes being at Cornerstone. It's hard being here today. Today I want to be downtown, riding the bus, floating around town meeting interesting people. Loving on people who are lost. I do not want to be in philosophy.

it's hard being in a bubble, but then maybe this is God's way of saying, "Lauren, it's not the time yet. I have work to do in you." And God would be right.

This is long. I still have 27 minutes in Philosophy. I should probably listen.

And so, I will leave you with this...

"Do not be conformed to the patterns of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of you mind."

New and Improved.

Mom, if you won't let me paint my room red I made my blog red! A happy medium.

The Wheels on the Bus go round and round.

I th ought it was time to update once again! Life has been insane. Literally one thing right after the other. It's crazy, but good for me. So here's an update...

First, Friday night I rediscovered the efficiency of taking the bus. I've had a lot of anxiety over my finances, so it felt really good to come up with a solution. I went to ArtPrize with Chelsie Friday night. SO much fun! We walked to lots of different exhibits and then went to Madcap to relax for a while. Then yesterday I took a bus downtown by myself. I was really nervous, but the bus drivers were super nice, especially when I jammed the hole where you put your change. Then I headed to church for the 100th anniversary. Good times with old friends, even though I don't know half of them.

Anyways, as I was sitting on the bus heading to church I sat there looking out the window and watching the people who got on an off. At one of the stops near the city a little guy, probably no more than 10, jumped off. I sat there realizing how displaced I am. Well, no wonder people living in the inner-city think we are better! I have never taken the bus before the poverty-simulation. Never. I've always riden in a car or flown in a plane. I never really came in contact with drunk people on the sidewalk; I have never seen the darkness of prostitution until recently.

I am not any better than then the scared mom on Division or the man on Bridge Street. I am a sinner. I deserve death. And yet by the grace of Christ I am saved and forgiven. It's sad to look into the eyes of a mommy protecting her kids or a child who has lost their innocence or a drug dealer. It's sad. They have so much darkness in them. You can see it in their eyes.

I have become displaced. It's time to pop my bubble. I am a white, midwest girl. I've grown up in the suburbs and gone to a Christian school my whole life. The walls are falling down.

Taking the bus isn't really a big deal to the average person. Really. It's not. But for me it's breaking down those stereotypes. And it's freeing. Scary, but freeing.

I look around my room and there is stuff and it's sad. It's just very sad. I've let go a lot in one month and yet i still feel like I need to let go of my stuff. It's not going to save me. It brings me no joy or fulfillment. It's meaningless. It's worthless. Yet, it's not that easy. It's hard discerning Jesus' words, "In order to find Life you must lose life." Those words aren't exactly easy ones to take in. Yes, America, I do think we are all called to let go. Some of us might be called overseas. Some of us called to stay in the suburbs. Some of us in the urban environment. But we have to let go, because until we physically and spiritually let go of ourselves the Spirit will never have room to work. It's just not worth it. I don't want to get to the end of my life and realized I spent my whole life chasing after the American dream.

I want to live and experience and learn. Not accumulate things. The cycle has got stuff. I long to remain consistent. Because either I let go or I don't.

Sometimes I have this huge urge to put everything in boxes and give it away and sell it. But more times than not my heart is tied to my stuff.

It's time to put an end to that.

Here's a quick update on my life before I begin my book that is due on Friday. (Oh procrastination...).

This last weekend was SO freeing in a sense. I still have things to work through, but progress has been made and God continues to refine me. I won't give every detail, but a few that stick out.

- Last Friday I ventured home after a long, depressing, tough week. I spent a wonderful afternoon alongside my mom, baking and spilling my heart out to her. It was so good. We spent a great amount of time rehashing the really good things that were going on in my life and the lives of friends and family.

-I went to Kava House and listened to some of the webstream for IHOP. I really believe it was from God, because what happened Friday night was completely awesome! After Kava House I was like, "it may be possible that God has something for me tonight through IHOP." God did. I went home and cleaned and listened to it. The first hour or so they were doing healings and really praying for the Spirit to intercede on behalf of people and their physical downfalls...if that's the right phrase. And, so there I am cleaning away when all of a sudden I hear them praying about the whole issue of identity in Christ and they start praying that the confusion would stop. At that moment I felt SOOOOO free. Like I actually was accepted and loved by Christ. I felt free from my past, from guys, from my present circumstances. It was glorious! I prayed and was on my knees and worshiped our God. He is SOO good and worthy to be praised!

-Church Sunday morning was awesome! I experienced God and a renewal of my heart.

-Evensong. So good! A man from India came. And he and his wife shared their story of how they got to where they are. This is weird, but they talked a little about how they had met and their marriage and it was encouraging. I really felt the presence of God around me. He was like, "Lauren stop worrying. I've got this. I know the desires of your heart. I will be attentive to them."

-This week has not been dramatic and nothing obscure happened, but I've kept running this race. I've kept going. God is moving and it's beautiful. Not just in my life either, but in my friends and families lives. I love it! I love it so much! I've messed up plenty, but God is our Redeemer. He redeems. He brings the beauty from pain. He sews color into the tapestry of our lives.

Boy oh boy! I'm growing for once, and there is this amazing steadiness to it. I can't imagine where I'll be and who I'll be ten years from now.

Today my heart is struggling to be hopeful. The lies are invading my heart and I feel weak. Days like today, I just wonder how I'll get through this.

Praise God, He has opened doors to get help and to seek true freedom. Now, it's a matter of obedience. I despise this feeling. It's the enemy stealing my joy. I know it. I'm getting tired of fighting. A lesson in perseverance is what it is.

"Consider it pure joy my brothers (and sisters) when you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance." (James 1)

I feel as if I'm fighting numerous battles. Last night I woke up so many times because I worried. There is so much to worry about. Finances being one of them. Yet, the Word says that faith as small as a mustard seed can move mountains.

My faith is about that size, so I choose to ultimately trust the Lord for His provision. He knows my needs. Not just what I yearn for, but what I need.

All GLORY, HONOR, and POWER goes to God.

Whom the Son sets FREE is FREE indeed!

Oh, the journey of one's heart! What an exciting one at that, though painful. I have come to the conclusion that I can't do this on my own. And, I don't think I was meant too. I want to be free. Like completely, genuinely FREEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I do not need this bondage, and I don't think God wills it that way!

I'm tired of this. I want to be all in or all out. I choose all in. Whatever it takes! This bondage is hindering me from a lot and it just needs to die and fall away. The chains need to be broken once and for all. I just can't live this way.

On a better note...I found this tree by the pond and it's SO serene! I love it. I feel so captivated by God. I've been doing my devotions lately under it and it's relaxing!

God always provides. He is always faithful. His mercies are new everyone morning. All praise and glory and honor goes to HIM.

God is good all the time...all the time He is good. He's been so so so so so good to me.

AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HE IS SO GOOD. I can't help but praise Him!

That's all for now.

Till next time...

I have written a lot this year already. I need too. It's healthy for me to get it all out.

It goes like this. It's not him. It really isn't. It's a plethora of the past. It's a whole lot of crap coming to the surface and culminating. Years and years of striving after guy after guy after guy has failed. The last five months God has brought guys into my life and taken guys out. I try and run back to them, and lately God hasn't been letting me get away with it. He's been pulling me back to Him. Into his arms. Into His perfectly capable arms. All these years. God is so faithful.

How can God watch me walk away from Him? Just like that? And still love me? How can God take it? This is insane!

For once in my life I want to be free. I long to be free from the belief that I am affirmed by a guy. I DO NOT need a guy. That is a lie from the pits of Hell. Straight from the enemy! I want to walk, I long to walk in the freedom that Christ has given me.

God is doing amazing things and moving in amazing ways and I don't want to lose focus. It's a battle. There are so many things vying for my attention. Oh my gosh is it ever hard.

Not even with the issues of life. Following Jesus is hard in and of itself. I mean, by human nature, we are all selfish. It's hard loving people and loving our enemies. As a good friend reminded me, "Love is gritty." It rubs up and comes in contact with life and it hurts sometimes to love.

It's a lot easier to sit here and be in my own world and do my own thing. It's a lot harder to go and meet someone's need.

Until next time...

Back to the Swing of Things.

I hate it! I hate how I always go back to the old.

It's like this. I get up. I am standing. I am walking. I am focused. And then I fall back. The tears come. The anger boils. The frustration plagues me. And I become lost. I become stuck.

I can't move. I want to run from this place. I want to be done. I wish this summer never would have happened. I wish it could disappear and I could move on! I am sick of this place I'm in. I'm sick of running and tripping and running and tripping and running and tripping. I just want to be done.

I am not okay. I am falling a part. Maybe this emptiness or longing is for God?

I long to find satisfaction in the love of Christ. The world keeps failing me. People keep letting me down. It's not worth it. Why do I keep turning away from Grace? Why?

God's love is astounding. His perfect peace finds me in my desperation and I am made whole. I love those times when you can feel the presence of God surrounding you. It's so thick and tangible. I don't think words can fully describe this divine, holy, beautiful experience.

I am letting go.

letting go.

letting go.

letting go.

I. AM. LETTING.GO.

I am sick and tired of carrying this and worrying about it. I'm tired of being angry. I am tired of being so concerned with him. I'm tired. I want to run away from this place. But I can't.

Suffer well.

The Crazy Busy Life of a Twenty Year Old.

Life is a battlefield. It's a constant war. The last few days I've felt really attacked and that's tough. It's hard fighting all the time. It's like, sometimes I want to lay it down and give up. And it's hard because I have all these weird feelings in my heart and it's like resistance or doubt or anxiety. I want it to leave. I want to be free, except, then life wouldn't be a war everyday. It would be easy to get out of bed in the morning. It'd be easy to get things done. It would be easy to look the person who you despise the most and love them.

Except life isn't like that, and it will never be...ever. And, if life were a breeze and you had that peace all the time how would one ever grow? How would anyone ever move forward? I DO NOT want to be in the same place tomorrow as I am right now. I want to be holy as He is holy. I want to be molded and refined into the likeness of Christ Jesus. If I have to go through these uncertain, painful days, than so be it. If I have to struggle through my pride, selfishness, sin, lust, faithlessness, and if I have to keep praying through the same strongholds...then I will.

Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance: perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.” – Romans 5:1-5 (NIV)

This is the point where I remind myself that fifty years of suffering is nothing compared to eternal glory.

God is faithful. Even in these moments where I feel so weighed down in my sin and shame. God. Is.Faithful.

Period.

I had other thoughts, but I'm so exhausted. That is all for tonight.

It is for Freedom.

This week has been SO productive and beautiful. It has been a week of healing, surrender, and peace. My heart has felt pain in places I didn't know were there. I have cried many tears. It has been a week of learning, immense growth, and God. This week has been one of the BEST and one of the HARDEST...in a good way though!

The thing I continually have to work on is that of FOCUS. I've never been one to focus. Growing up I succeeded at running around on the playground. Playing tag in gym class, multi-tasking. I didn't do so well in the context of a class room. I've never been one for focus. It's hard. It's almost as if you have to want and desire something so much, and that in itself helps you focus. That to say, I have to keep going back to the Lord. He is my stronghold, my support, my peace, my strength. My eyes have wandered off and when they do God gently brings them back to focus on His face. His glorious face!

Letting go is hard. That's nothing new. I've stated this concept before. Surrender is not easy. My human nature thinks hanging on to money and worrying over what I look like and what guy likes me and everything else that vies for my attention...my humanness believes hanging onto things and people is what will save me. It's been a battle against flesh and spirit. I'm learning to let go of things in my life that are unhealthy. God has brought to the surface mindsets and assumptions that are deceiving. This refining process hurts, but it is SO spectacularly beautiful! This is only the beginning! God's love never ends. God never ends. I'm SOOOOO excited to see how God continues moving in me.

"Draw near to God and He will draw near to you."

It's true. It's real. It's genuine.

The author of James wrote this as a statement. An unwavering statement. When we seek the Lord and draw near to Him, He draws near to us. It's beautiful!!!!!!!!!!! I have never felt the presence of God as much as I have this week. In the painful moments and joyful ones!

Don't think I'm there yet. Never will be until the glorious day we are united with Christ. This is a tiny fraction of how God is working and moving in my heart. This is a tiny part of the journey I'm on.

God has not just been evident in that aspect of life, but also in the area of academics. I LOVE MY CLASSES. All of them! They are SO interesting and that's all I'm going to say.

Anyways, God is on the move. I'm excited to see what He is going to do in my life tomorrow.

Until next time...